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Satire Since 1993

February 1, 2024   •   Issue 183 (of 200?)


Bizarrely, some people doubt Ned's horticultural wisdom, including Mrs. Ander-Thal.  Per Mrs. Ander-Thal, "Ned's a horticultural and botanical dummy. He may have a Ph.D., but it definitely stands for 'Piled Higher and Deeper'. Mrs. Ander-Thal states that: "Ned's knowledge of plants is limited to categorizing green things as being: 1) Tree; 2) Shrub; or possibly 3) 'grass' - which he believes to be an alien life form. There are no such things as vegetables in Ned's world." According to Mrs. Ander-Thal, to get Ned to eat a vegetable or a salad, she has to claim it is Green Eggs and Ham: "Ned has always assumed that Dr. Seuss's book was a cookbook." Per Mrs. Ander-Thal, "In public, I'm embarrassed every time Ned sees a nice leaf in the street gutter ("Ohh, look at that sexy leaf!") and he 'rescues it' so that it can mate and produce beautiful offspring.... But I don't discourage Ned from snow mulching as I made it part of his New Year Resolutions. He has promised to mow the lawn at least once a month to defeat the aliens (i.e., grasses) and if he gets out of the habit in January - March, the lawn won't get mowed in the summer or fall. Sigh, the things I have to deal with... "  


1400s No evidence that 'real' humans exist in North or South America

1498 Columbus discovers, per current Supreme Court standards, 'Unoccupied' Continent!

     • Ripe for conquest, er, exploitation, er, CIVILIZATION.

1600s EUROPEANS Begin to Occupy 'Unoccupied' Continent.

     'Property' imported from Africa to aid in the building the wealth of the future AMERICA.

1630 Civilization Begins to Tame Wilderness.

     • Obviously illegal 'aliens' ("Hey, they ain't like us!") identified and "removed".

1780 The NEW AMERICA, er, United States of America, is PERFECT.

     • No issues with human rights (because THE RIGHT humans have THE RIGHTS)

     • Continued successful 'removal' of 'illegals' as AMERICANS expands westward.

1860 - 1865 Federal Government Unlawfully Encroaches on SOUTHERN STATES RIGHTS.

     • Angry protestors 'peacefully' protest Lincoln's jack booted thugs who attempt to seize/free

     'property'. Robert E. Lee attempts to take 'Southern Tourists' on a tour of the Capital and Pennsylvania.  

     Thwarted by 'Black Lives Matter' aligned ANTIFA protestors.

1866 - 1870s Massive Human Rights Abuses:

     • i.e., some minorities gain temporary rights in the southern states.

1880s - 1950s  America Almost Perfect.

     • Rights restored to the RIGHT races, er, people.

     • Rights of minorities restored to historical levels (per Supreme Court 'Originalist Doctrine'); i.e., "none".

     • Rights to women... well, things do start to fall apart in 1920 as women are given the vote.

1964 Destruction of America Begins in earnest.

     • President Lyndon Johnson (obviously a Democrat) signs into law Civil Rights legislation leading to

     the wrong RIGHTS being given to the wrong people. (just like in the 1870s!)

1960s-2016 Continued Destruction of America

     • Brazen, and illegal, Black man seizes control of federal government (2008-2016).

     • Attempt made by Democrats to then illegally 'place' a woman in the Presidency

     • Donald J. Trump defeats the UNAMERICAN (and estrogen fueled) efforts of the Democrats.

2016 - 2020  Donald Trump 'MAKES AMERICA GREAT AGAIN'.

     • Packs Federal and Supreme Courts with Judges espousing 'Originalists Doctrine';

        i.e., America should live by the tenets, norms, morals, and visions of 1776 society.

     • Identifies millions of illegals and the illegal dissemination of rights.

     • Supreme Court rules government can dictate a woman's body autonomy,

     but can't dictate clean water, air, public safety, transportation, or voting standards.

2021 (January 6) Donald Trump Illegally (Voters) Removed From the Presidency.

     • Infamous traitor Mike Pence betrays America. Escapes 'Capital' Justice.

     • Trump flees to Mar-a-Lago to plot immediate return to power... or possibly in 4 years.

2022 (June 24) Antiabortion Rights Restored.

     • Women no longer control body autonomy.

     • Power properly given to old MEN.

     • Women's vote may be next on list...

       "They is just way too emotional to make laws!" cries Senator Tommy Tuberville

        (affectionately known as 'Potato Head' Tommy).

2024 The VOTE TO RESTORE AMERICA (Part II) begins.  

     • Will RIGHTS be restored to the RIGHT PEOPLE?


(Ultra Right to Far Right, er, L to R):

Stephen Miller, Steve Bannon, Roger Stone, Dunce (er, Tucker) Carlson, Elon Musk and Donald Trump

Prelude to Spring 2024

Helping Ned Keep His New Year's Resolution:

"I'll mow the lawn once a month no matter what..."

January 17, 2024

FOXNEWS Opens Virtual 'Classroom'

Getting it RIGHT: Fox's MAGA NEW HISTORY Channel

"Because the old history was too critical of 'US'!"

The RIGHT History of America

The RIGHTEOUS FOXNews History Channel Gets It RIGHT!

Re-Educating America RIGHT Requires Tough

Love, and


TRUMP Argues for TOTAL Immunity

"Presidents can not be constrained by

the laws of mere mortals!"

President Joe Biden: "I AGREE with Donny!"

Almost Washington State (WHN) February 1, 2024. In a shocking development, President Joe Biden has adopted the 'TRUMP DOCTRINE'*; i.e., Unlimited Presidential Immunity.  

In an address to the nation, President Biden stated: "My fellow Americans, as President, I face many challenges that require difficult decisions on my part to protect our country, our constitution and our way of life. The courts, via TRUMP v. DOJ, as well as  God-Given Presidential Infallibility, has led me to decide that Donald John Trump poses a clear and present threat to all that America stands for.

In light of this Presidential, hence infallible, judgement, I have taken the course argued by Mr. Trump's own lawyers in Federal Court, and tasked Seal Team 6 to, ah, 'permanently remove' Mr. Trump's threat to America. With his, er, 'departure' from the 2024 Presidential Race, I, again using my infallible Presidential Power, have selected Former Representative George Santos as the 2024 Republican nominee for President. He tells me he has some experience in this area as he was President of Brazil a few years ago."    

* Mr. Trump and his legal team seem to have forgot who is President. Per Mr. Trump's own legal arguments, President Biden is well within his rights as PRESIDENT to follow this course of action.

The House could IMPEACH, but the Senate would NOT CONVICT...

... just like in 2020, and Biden Would Be Innocent and Free.

Almost Washington State (WHN) February 1, 2024. In his continued battle against the 91 Federal charges filed by the Department of Justice (DOJ), Mr. Trump and his legal team have argued that THE PRESIDENT MUST HAVE UNLIMITED IMMUNITY in order to do the tasks of the Presidency. Per the 'TRUMP DOCTRINE', Mr. Trump argues that the DOJ itself is acting illegally: "Hey, as President I can grab whoever I want, however I want... and it shouldn't cost me a dime! I need to be able to shoot a person on Sixth Avenue and the courts shouldn't be able to charge me with a crime. In fact, if I deem somebody as threat, I need to be able to have them whacked.  I mean if a lowly Mafia Don [Editor: the 'BIG Boss'] can do it, imagine what a 'President Don' should be able to do! As Commander of the Armed Forces, they HAVE to do what I say.... I can launch nukes or I can order Seal Team 6 to take out 'Bad Guys' ...and only I get to decide who is a 'Bad Guy' ...or 'Bad Girl' Nikki.

Now, somebody get me a Diet Coke, I've got to get my enemies list in order... and it starts with Ned..."

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Seal Team 6 begins training for 'Operation Mar-a-Lago' at an undisclosed location. WHN Reporter Ned Ander-Thal has been embedded within the Team and is seen talking to the Commander of the unit; a familiar looking commando who goes by the cryptic call sign 'Hunter'. The operation is expected to be completed after the Republican National Convention (July 15-18, 2024; Milwaukee, WI) So that Mr. Biden can appoint former Representative George Santos as the Republican nominee for President.. © 2024 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Almost Washington State (WHN) February 1, 2024. For a great garden this Spring and Summer, it is important to start now! WHN agricultural expert Dr. Ned Ander-Thal states that a good snow mulch is critical to spring flowers: "Some people see snow as just something to to have a heart attack shoveling . But to those of us in the know, we understand that snow, when properly prepared, is essential to a great crop of spring flowers.  That's why I snow mulch.  Lots of people don't know that snow, when left to melt naturally, forms droplets way too big to be absorbed by flowering plants... sure BIG drops is ok for BIG plants like trees, but them delicate little plants that makes them purty flowers need teeny, tiny, drops of water. That's where snow mulching comes in. I personally use a 6 horsepower mulching mower to dice up the snow to increase the yield of tiny water droplets. Now some people favor the old manual rotary mowers of their great grandparents, but too many of them freeze to death in the cold weather. Crocuses particularly need an abundance of properly mulched snow. In fact, many people don't realize that that us west coasters are more likely to snow mulch than folks in Ottawa and that is why we get crocuses in late February early March and those folks in Ottawa have to wait till May. It's all in the snow mulch!"

Spring Gardening Tips Fighting 'BIG BOTANY'

Prelude to the NEW America



for the States of Florida and Texas.  

More states coming soon!

Prelude To

The Era of the Imperial President

CHAPTER 1: What 'BIG BOTANY' Doesn't Want You To Know

'BIG BOTANY' has subverted science for centuries.   The 'botanical fraud' on humanity was started in 463 CE by Pope Hilarius (or Hilary; coincidence, I think NOT) who was Bishop of Rome from 461-468 CE. Born in Sardinia (hence, close to Sicily and the newly emerging Mafia!), Pope Hilary was reported to be overly indulgent of an unpopular drink of the time called 'vino' (or wine). Vino was unpopular because the citizens of Rome knew that its production was dependent on grape bushes that were infested with a slimy creature (the invertebrate Leaf vino). Consequently, BIG VINO, a collective of grape producers, was on the verge of economic collapse as people switched to other pleasure drinks (fermented goat milk was all the rage). Historical records suggest that BIG VINO (Headquartered in Sicily) slipped Pope Hilary a rather large 'donation' and promised a lifetime supply of Sacramental Wine for his personal pleasure in exchange for: 1) the Pope declaring that God told him that leaves were actually part of the grape plants, and not some disgusting invertebrate; and 2) that vino was the blood of Christ thus assuring large, and highly profitable, communion orders to BIG VINO. On an historical side note, Pope Hilary died of liver failure in 468 CE. Despite his demise, BIG VINO future was bright as subsequent Popes continued the lie, and a few, apparently under the influence of the 'vino', were actually married (e.g., Popes Hormisdas, 514-523; Adrian II, 867-872; John XVII, 1003; Clement IV, 1265-1268).

Since then, BIG BOTANY, the successor to BIG VINO, has fooled the world's population into thinking that apples, oranges, kiwi, bananas, blueberries and even avocados are derived solely from trees and shrubs. Thanks to BIG BOTANY's indoctrination, even today, if a person finds an immature leaf (referred to ironically as a 'worm' - the single most dangerous predator of the leaf) in an apple, they will discard the apple in disgust.  BIG BOTANY can not afford to have the TRUTH come out.     

CHAPTER 2: The Life Cycle of the Leaf

While not commonly known to the average citizen (or even the average Ph.D.!) the 'leaf' is not part of a plant but rather is a symbiotic invertebrate that provides energy to the genera Tree sp. and Bush sp.  Through diligent research Dr. Ander-Thal's team has finally documented the lifecycle (see schematic) of this under appreciated (and unbelievable) invertebrate (Leaf sp.).  As diagramed, when leaves fall to earth every autumn it begins the sexual phase of the 'leaf' breeding cycle.  Similar to salmon spawning, the mature male and female leaves (YES, there are at least two genders; see diagram) migrate to the breeding grounds which is referred to as a Leaf Pile.  Following a breeding frenzy, scientifically termed as an 'orgy', the female leaf lay her eggs which hatch in late fall. In a race against winter's cold temperature, the motile bud larvae climb back up the nearest species specific tree/bush.  Importantly, there is a very strong Tree/Bush species specificity amongst Leaf sp. which results in a species of Tree/Bush hosting only specific Leaf species.  The motile  larval buds are phototropic and climb up the host where they soon attach to the host's bare branches in late autumn/early winter where the now dormant larvae overwinter in their 'bud form'. As the season changes from winter to spring, the radiant heat of the sun triggers the 'bud form' to metamorph into the juvenile 'leaf form' of the invertebrate. This change is crucial as it is key to the symbiotic relationship between the Leaf sp. and the various Tree sp. and Bush sp. that serves as its home as ONLY the Juvenile Leaf is of value to the tree/bush host.

In contrast to what most (i.e., all) botanical research states, it is clear, based on our research, that trees and bushes long ago lost their ability to produce metabolic energy. Rather, just like the eukaryotic mitochondria, trees/bushes became dependent on the energy production of the symbiotic invertebrate leaf. Indeed, a symbiotic relationship between Leaf sp. and the Tree/Bush genera developed in which trees/bushes have become 100% dependent of the leaf migration cycle to remain alive and reproduce as they gain energy from their symbiotic Juvenile Leaves. The symbiotic Leaf sp. meanwhile receive a protected habitat from leaf predators (such as the ravenous earthworm; a mortal enemy during the breeding phase). As the season passes, the Juvenile Leaf transforms into the sexually reproductive Mature Leaf. and ceases to provide energy to the tree. This triggers an immunological rejection response by the tree/bush which results in the shedding of the mature Leaf where they form the breeding mound (i.e., Leaf Pile) to once again begin the cycle.

The impact of civilization has been felt by the Leaf sp. Evolutionarily, Leaf sp. had to contend with massive larval losses to the dreaded earthworm.  However, as humans evolved, the loss of larval leaves to earthworms has been outstripped by losses due to children jumping into leaf piles and disrupting the reproductive act ("Honey, not in front of the kids!") as well as rain gutters, cars and storm drains.  Indeed, in large cities, the observed loss of trees and bushes has been directly tied to disruption of the Leaf Life Cycle (shown above).

CHAPTER 7: EXOTICA and the Leaf

While modern 'botanists' have failed to disclose the invertebrate leaf, the classical arts have long understood the inherent sensual nature of the Leaf. Biologically speaking (from the Leaf perspective) the sexiest leaf is Leaf fig (i.e, commonly called the Fig leaf). If one carefully examines classical painting and sculpture, one can see that the Leaf fig is used to denote the overt sexuality of humans (photo)!

This correlation has been memorialized at the Museum of Modern Art at Ander-Thal University where they paired the SEXIEST LEAF sculpture ever made with SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. Honored, it was clear that the former President Trump was enamored with the sculpture stating: "Some of the smoothes curves I've ever fondled.... I hope this 'caress' doesn't lead to another $83,000,000 judgement against me!"

See, the fig leaf is SEXIER than the man ....

CHAPTER 13: Grasses are NOT Native to this Planet!

In classes at Ander-Thal University, students often ask about genera Grass sp. (class 'Grasses'). Our research has definitively concluded that Grass sp. DON'T HAVE INVERTEBRATE LEAVES! Perhaps the clearest indication of the alien nature of grasses is the lack of earthworm predation. Grasses live in close proximity to earthworms yet manage to flourish.

Moreover, our research has demonstrated that grasses are an alien species that we humans must endeavor to keep in check via active predations (e.g., cows, goats, sheep) or, when those are absent, through weapons of mass destruction (e.g., mowing).  Indeed, the presence of grasses typically results in the loss of habitat for Tree sp. and Bush sp. as noted in suburbs everywhere. Indeed, in most geographical areas, mowing is the ONLY way to keep the alien grasses under control!


Dr. Ander-Thal's  book has been unfortunately banned [Obviously by BIG BOTANY!] worldwide - with the notable exceptions of Florida and Texas where age-appropriate (leaf orgy section excluded) versions have been adopted as the primary plant science textbook for grades K-12 and all state funded colleges, universities and insane asylums. In Florida, Governor DeSantis has further demanded that Disney World incorporate Dr. Ander-Thal's findings into the 'Jungle Cruise' amusement ride and has appointed Dr. Ander-Thal as the state's Agricultural Chief.




Ned's Favorite "COOKBOOK"

or any book period...

Figure from The Secret Sex Life Of A Leaf

Ned Ander-Thal, Ph.D. World Headline News Science-ish Books © 2024. All Rights Reserved.

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump closely 'inspects' The God of Ianuarius 6. Sculpted by Nediculus Anderthulcus circa 466 CE. Note the sculptor's use of the highly sensual fig leaf along with an olive leaf laurel. Permanent exhibit: Ander-Thal University

From: The Secret Sex Life of the Leaf © 2024

Despite conviction for sexual assault, 91 pending federal criminal charge, additional state (NY, GA) charges and tax fraud investigation, Mr. Trump wins Iowa caucus and New Hampshire primary.



Trump loses E. Jean Carroll Defamation Suit #2. Jury awards Ms. Carroll $83 Million. After trial, Mr. Trump defames Ms. Carroll again and again...


Crazy Democrats Claim Fox Is WHITEWASHING American History!


While Ned has spent significant effort, money and time studying snow mulching, his primary interest is in the sex life of the leaf. In his recent book on the topic (The Secret Sex Life of A Leaf) Dr. Ander-Thal has attempted to set the scientific community right on the invertebrate leaf! With permission of the publisher, excerpts of The Secret Sex Life of A Leaf are given blow. These new scientific FACTS are sure to SHOCK and ASTOUND you!

Oh god, give me quaaludes...

Prelude to Insanity?




your kids!



A World Headline News