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Satire Since 1993

June 5, 2020   •   Issue 132

'Sherlock Trump'

WHN EXCLUSIVE: A master of brevity, the WHN has obtained the complete 1 page investigative findings of 'Sherlock Trump's' investigation into the alleged murder committed by 'Pretty Boy Joe' Scarborough, a notorious criminal formerly representing the Florida panhandle in the now criminalized U.S. House of Representatives. Attorney General William Barr has instructed the FBI, NSA, and Fashion World police to begin an investigation following a Presidential Executive Order. Mr. Scarborough, and surprisingly, Mr. Trump are both hiding behind the FIRST AMENDMENT... though Mr. tRump is a bit peeved at Twitter for flagging his tweets as 'lacking in truth'....  World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

'Sherlock' Trump Opens Investigations Into

"The Case of the Virus of Death" and "The Case of The Scarborough Murder"

THE CASE OF THE VIRUS OF DEATH as solved by Sherlock Trump

Almost Washington State (WHN) June 5, 2020. Despite the unchallengeable success of the tRump Administrations response to the worldwide pandemic, anxious Democrats have resorted to other avenues in an attempt to 'impeach' the credibility of the well-oiled machinery of the White House. One of these avenues has been to question the honesty of the Administration by focusing on the recent 'forced retirements'* of multiple governmental Inspector Generals who were actively investigating potential criminal and ethical acts by Mr. tRumps Administration. Indeed, one Inspector General (Christi Grimm) even dared to question the success of America's pandemic response.

To counter this outrageous lie, PresiDeath tRump unveiled his secret identity, 'Sherlock Trump': "Many people don't realize that I alone have the investigative prowess to solve all of societies, nay, the worlds, problems. With my sidekick Dr. Pence, we have uncovered another aspect of "OBAMAGATE" - the dreaded 'Obamavirus'. Dr. Pence's work in his state of the art laboratory demonstrated that there is NO coronavirus, only the dastardly 'Obamavirus'. Studies of this virus show that it not only causes death, but also neurological symptoms characterized by mass demonstrations of crazed peoples.  Indeed, my investigations show that the current unrest in America is due to 'Obamavirus' infections - it has to be, because all the polls say that everybody loves me and thinks I'm the best PresiDeath, er President, ever. I will loudly proclaim to all, that this 'Obamavirus', or as I call it, THE NEW BLACK DEATH, is horrible."

When told of the findings of Mr. tRump's investigation, Senator Mitch McConnell stated, "I agree with the President that even a singular black death is horrible and I, as a caring statesman, will do what I can to enable the President and Mr. Barr to coverup, er, address, the problem of black death in America."

While awaiting passage of his "Twitter-Can't-Tell-Me-What-To-Do" Constitutional Amendment,  President Pouty Pants has issued several additional Executive Orders that instruct state governments to:

1. Removal Of All Laws Forbidding Murder: These antiquated laws are infringing my constitutional 2nd amendment rights... and I have a pending 'appointment' on 5th Avenue in New York. I just hope Governor Cuomo shows up on time as I don't want to be late in getting the new KFC fried chicken sandwich...

2. Legalization of Bribes: If I've got the money I should be able to buy what I want - like zoning exemptions, sell shoddy construction at inflated prices, and paying off my, er, ah, 'consorts'... ('Hey Stormy, I have an extra $150K, you available?)

3. Abolishment of Driver Licenses: These must be outlawed - the 'deep state' uses them to track us and we should just trust the good sense of 'real' Americans to drive responsibly - though we will of course have multiple definitions of 'responsible' - but mine is the right one. But mostly we need to get rid of them because some states might give them to 'bad hombres'.

I use and recommend hydroxymoxychloroxaquinine, er,

hydroxymoroncloroxaquine, er, 'hydroxy'covfefe...

Who Needs Independent

Inspector Generals* When America Has

'Sherlock Trump'!

WHN EXCLUSIVE: But not all of 'Sherlock Trump's' activities are focused on righting the wrongs of the left.  All great men need hobbies, and 'Sherlock' is no exception. According to Melania, "The Donald" is into 'knockers'.

Seen in this exclusive photos, Mr. Trump is closely examining a 'knocker' as he prepares to enters his private booth at the "Miss America Pageant".  World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.


Trump 2020

Campaign Slogan

Uncovered By WHN:

"The PAST Begins Tomorrow!”

But clearly NOT 1956....

Think 1820 And The


WHN EXCLUSIVE: In a Rose Garden address, followed by selected bible verses ("In the beginning there was Trump...") the White House announced that in time for the 2020 elections they will release new documentary of Trump's response to the dreaded Obamavirus. As will be documented in "THE VIRUS OF DEATH" investigative work by 'Sherlock Trump' conclusively proves that the "coronavirus" does not exist and that the USA was actually attacked by the deadly "Obamavirus". As 'Sherlock Trump' states in the stirring conclusion, "Science and truth MUST have no place in my America! ...that's why I had to fire all the scientists and inspector generals..."  World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

Fanning the Flames of Disunity

In 2020 we have to ask: "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY!?!" What started initially as 'fiscal conservatism' turned to 'social conservatism' with the rise of 'Southern Republicans' who replaced the conservative Southern Democrats who, consequent to Presidents John Kennedy and Lyndon Johnson social programs, were seen as betraying post civil war 'southern values'. The highly partisan 'Southern Republican' Newt Gingrich later cemented the virtual end of the liberal wing of the Republican party.  

1956 Republican Platform

1. Provide federal assistance to low-income communities.

2. Protect Social Security.

3. Provide asylum for refugees.

4. Extend the minimum wage.

5. Improve unemployment benefits to cover more people.

6. Strengthen labor laws so workers can easily join a union

7. Assure equal pay for women.

* Fired Inspector Generals and Their 'Sins'

Michael Atkinson, Intelligence Community:  As inspector general for the intelligence community, Atkinson handled the complaint filed by an anonymous whistleblower that raised concerns about Mr. Trump's dealings with Ukraine and ultimately led to House Democrats' impeachment inquiry into the president. Atkinson determined the complaint was credible and reported it to the director of national intelligence, as required by federal law.

Mitch Behm, Transportation Department:  Behm was overseeing a high profile investigation of Secretary Chao's alleged favoritisms benefiting her husband Senator Mitch McConnell's political prospects. In addition, he was a member of the Pandemic Response Accountability Committee (PRAC), which is tasked with overseeing implementation of the $2.4 trillion coronavirus relief packages passed by Congress in response to the coronavirus pandemic and composed of 20 inspectors general. Mr. tRump has indicated that his preference that the White House, or at the very least people with sworn loyalty to Mr. tRump, oversee the coronavirus relief package.

Glenn Fine, Defense Department:  In addition to serving as the acting inspector general at the Pentagon, Fine also was selected to head the PRAC. With Mr. Trump's removal of Fine as acting inspector general, he was also stripped of his role as leader of the accountability committee, a desired goal as the White House does not want independent oversight of the PRAC.

Christi Grimm, Health and Human Services:  Grimm was fired following her release of a report detailing testing and supply shortages in hospitals responding to the coronavirus pandemic. Grimm found "severe" shortages of testing supplies, "widespread shortages of PPE," difficulties in maintaining adequate staffing levels and in expanding hospital capacity. These findings were counter to what Mr. Trump claimed.

Steve Linick, State Department: Linick's office was investigating Secretary of State Pompeo and said his "firing amid such a probe strongly suggests that this is an unlawful act of retaliation".


as solved by Sherlock Trump

Almost Washington State (WHN) June 5, 2020. Battling an epidemic of FAKE NEWS, the tRump Administration turned once again to the incomparable 'Sherlock Trump" to restore justice to America.  Unbeknownst to most Americans, most journalist are known homicidal maniacs. According to one anonymous journalist (ok, me Ned Ander-Thal), "I admit it, I am a killer ! I have serially killed or attempted to kill hundreds.. of lies and half-truths spread by the tRump Administration. I just hope I don't have to do this for 4 more years... Mrs. Ander-Thal is already worried about my sanity ... or what little is left of it...."

According to William Barr, U.S. Attorney General, "There are so many mass murderers in the  traditional and online media that we in the Justice Department are paralyzed in our attempts to incarcerate these dastardly individuals as they routinely turn the laws of our land against us in the Justice Department - I mean how many times are we going to let them use the FIRST AMENDMENT hide behind their blatant murders of Mr. Trump's 'truths'!"

As a frequent target of these homicidal maniacs, Mr. tRump has taken it upon himself to singularly pursue Joe Scarborough, a one-time ally who was turned to the dark side. Per 'Sherlock Trump', "Joe is the 'Dr. Moriarty' of these 'killers of lies and deceit'. He use to be good. Hell, he was a Republican Congressman (R-FLA) who I made famous when he resigned from Congress, without a scandal even, and went to MSNBC. But I should have seen through his good looks - the guy doesn't wear socks and, as we all know, if you don't wear socks you must be a liberal and liberals are homicidal killers. In fact, as I've uncovered, see in-depth report [RIGHT], Joe Scarborough killed a young women in Florida - even though he wasn't there at the time and the medical examiner ruled it an accidental death due to underlying health condition. I've instructed my 'Barr-man' to investigate Joe and to LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!"

PяesiDuиce Tяump TWITTER EDICT:

"You MUST Let Me Lie!"

"Some say 'Truth is mighty and will prevail', all I can say is I hope not..."

Now The One and Only Inspector General

Because events in Washington D.C., and the current American political scene, change so quickly, it is imperative that firm ETHICAL hands oversee America’s institutions. This job is fulfilled by the Inspector Generals - the people who investigate claims of dishonesty, malfeasance, and political interference.  However, there has been a rash of, er, ‘retirements’ putting America at risk of an unethical government. Fortunately America is BLESSED with the ultimate investigator: SHERLOCK TRUMP!

Exclusive to the

World Headline News