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Satire Since 1993

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World Headline News

May 9, 2019   •   Issue 114

A Plague of 'Thorny' Issues

Almost Washington State (WHN) May 9, 2019.  Attorney General William Barr today provided President Trump with his mid-term post-Mueller Department of Justice Report Card. With a (EDITOR: barely) passing grade, an ecstatic Donald Trump proclaimed himself "Best President Ever; Lincoln, Reagan, and Nixon, well maybe Nixon, can't hold a candle to me!"

To celebrate his truly historic DOJ Report Card, Mr. Trump secretly boarded Air Force One for a secretive visit with his 'bestie', the mysterious French-Canadian Vlad M.R. Poutine.  

Via secretive sources in the White House (o.k., the White House plumber) the WHN learned that Mr. Poutine was currently vacationing on the banks of the Moskva River in idyllic central Moscow.  Upon landing at a secret 'Executive Terminal' at a Moscow (not Idaho) airport, the very buoyant* President boarded the former Presidential yacht of ex-Russian President Dmitri Medvedev.  The former 'Sirius' was renamed the U.S.S. No Collusion.  Waiting on board the USS No Collusion was the elusive Vlad.  Rarely photographed, WHN Reporter Ned Ander-Thal was able to photograph the happy 'couple'.  Captured in front of the American flag flying on the bow of the USS No Collusion, the depth of the relationship was obvious.


What Does It ACTUALLY Report

TяUMP: "Hey Vlad, I passed! See no Collusion!  Without Collusion how could they grade Obstruction!"

Post-Mueller TяUMP Celebrates With POUTINE

Was/Is a Thorn to His Presidency

After nearly two years, Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation netted 199 criminal charges, 37 indictments or guilty pleas, and 5 prison sentences. The Russia investigation has been a major thorn to the Trump Presidency.

- BUT no collusion/conspiracy CHARGES against Donald J. Trump -

- BUT - the 'Mueller Report' makes clear that Trump had many felons (..."Only the BEST people...") in his orbit and that: "... [while the] report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him."

Almost Washington State (WHN) May 9, 2019.  Despite extensive evidence of direct meddling by the Russians to the benefit on Donald J. Trump during the 2016 campaign, the investigation conducted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller concluded that these events DID NOT reach the level of "collusion" because the Trump election campaign did not direct, or participate in, the actual actions of the Russians in obtaining the information or planting the false FaceBook stories.


Special Counsel Robert Mueller stated that he was not sufficiently confident that he could prove “beyond a reasonable doubt” that the 140 instances of mutually helpful interactions between the Russians and the Trump Campaign rose to the level of criminal conspiracy.  In large part, the lack of criminal conspiracy was due to ineptitude on part of the Trump Campaign.  Hence “NO COLLUSION” as shouted by one Donald J. Trump.


Multiple instances of possible/probable obstruction of justice were identified in Special Counsel Robert Mueller report. The only reason Mueller did not indict on obstruction was an internal Department of Justice rule based on a 1973 (Nixon-era) memo from their Office of Legal Counsel asserting, without legal foundation, that a sitting president cannot be indicted. However, Mueller did specifically state that Congress had probable cause to pursue impeachment (House for indictment, Senate for conviction)  and/or for any future Department of Justice to 'indict Mr. Trump for obstruction once he was no longer in office'.  These clear statements do NOT vindicate Mr. Trump.


Think about it this way, you are 8 years old and your friend Vlad (an exchange student from Moscow, Idaho) gives you the answers to the math test ahead of time allowing you to 'ace' the exam.  Turns out Vlad broke into your teacher's home to get the test.  Vlad, who has since returned to Moscow, is guilty of breaking and entering, and theft.  You are in receipt of the ill-gotten answers (that have no definable financial value), but you did not participate in the break-in, nor did you help plan the break-in, you only received the benefits of the break-in.  Hence NO criminal conspiracy (i.e., "NO COLLUSION").  But are you unethical and guilty of cheating on the exam?  YES to both. If you then tell your friend Michael C., who knows you got the answers from Vlad, to lie to the police and say Vlad never gave you the answers, that is obstruction of justice.

Almost Washington State (WHN) May 9, 2019.  President Trump has once again tried to clear up the (intentional?) confusion by the' FAKE NEWS media' on "THE WALL", a key tenet of his immigration policy.  On April 30, 2019 the Trump Administration announced planned changes to the U.S. Immigration Asylum laws:  Under the new rules to be implemented, Immigrants must pay an non-refundable application processing fee - a potential thorn to their hopes to enter the USA.  While the amount has yet to be set, sources say it will be HIGH.

In speaking to one of the few REAL news sources, in a live phone call with INFOWARS host Alex Jones, Mr. Trump discussed 'THE WALL":  "Alex,  I never said 'WALL', I said 'PAY WALL"... and it will be a 'HIGH' Pay Wall. Why is it ok when the failing NY Times and the Amazon Washington Post can be put behind a 'PAY WALL" but he United States Government can't be.  This will be bigly and all the money collected will be from 'Mexicans'.  Just like I always promised, Mexicans will pay for the 'Wall'.  See America, another promise kept."  

While some details are still being discussed, the 'PAY WALL' will be managed by Trump International.  According to the White House, Trump International is unique in that, as a 'hospitality' driven industry, they will be able to assure that potential immigrants "get what they deserve". Per Mr. Trump, "Don Junior and Eric have great experience in laundering, er managing, Rubles so I'm sure that they can take care of Pesos.  There are several worthwhile opportunities for these funds in golf courses and luxury condos."

TRUMP'S WALL: While there is money in construction, there is even more money in collecting non-refundable fees from people who  you will never let into the country.  If they ain't in the country how can they sue you for non-delivery of services!  I am a GENIUS, a very STABLE GENIUS.  

I never said 'WALL', I said 'PAY WALL'



Jeff Sessions Elected to the

U.S. Attorney General

Hall of Fame

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, the oft-times thorny 84th United States Attorney General (February 9, 2017 to November 7, 2018) was admitted to the AG Hall of Fame” for his principled stand against the judicial over-reach of President Trump. Mr. Sessions was nominated because he ethically recused himself from the Russian Investigation due to documented interactions with Russians implicated in attempting to influence the 2016 Presidential election.  Despite Mr. Session being a man who, like the President, espoused 1860's Southern ideology,  his recusal incurred the wrath of Mr. Trump who continually pressured the Attorney General to fire Mr. Mueller.  Sessions refusal to do so and continued protection of the ongoing investigations led to his election to the AG Hall of Fame.

One Chief Executive tweets:

"Ethics are for LOSERS

'Mr. Magoo's' no Bill Barr..."

Post Mueller Celebration

Spending' time with my bestie!

HBO needs to build a Wall - A Very Tall Wall

France Needs to Build A Wall - I Told Macron That Over 2 Years Ago - walls keeps undesirables out  ... or in! (see below)

WHN Editor Ned Ander-Thal needs to be behind Walls - 4 walls, a floor and a ceiling to be precise...

Sacrebleu! France to Sue HBO for BILLION$

Dragon Escapes From HBO Set - BURNS Notre Dame Cathedral

Semi-Esteemed US WALL and Dragon Expert Donald J. Trump States:

Surprisingly intimate moment being shared between 'besties'. Only the WHN had a reporter on hand to capture the jubilant Donald and Vlad as they vacationed aboard the newly renamed Presidential yacht "USS No Collusion".  PHOTO CREDIT:  Ned Ander-Thal © 2019.

*EDITOR; with an estimated Body Mass Index (BMI) of over 32, the President is indeed very buoyant in the pool.  While Trump claims to be 6'3", photographic evidence suggests that he is likely only 6 ft tall; if that.  Rumors of shoe lifts abound.

But news of the meeting was met with hostility by some so-called Americans.  Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called the visit "un-Presidential and possibly treasonous.  The president will talk to Poutine about Mueller, but he wouldn't speak to Mueller and he won't speak to Congress, or allow members of the Executive branch talk to Congress."  However, Presidential Advisor Kellyanne Conway stated "It’s not treason, it's alternate loyalty...." Rudy Giuliani echoed Ms. Conway saying, "Truth Isn't Always Truth, Comey's 'Truth' was different from Trump's 'Truth' but Poutine's TRUTH is the law. There's nothing wrong with taking information from Russians; it may be unethical but it's not illegal.”

Almost Washington State (WHN) May 9, 2019.  On April 15, 2019 as a shocked world watched as parts of the 12th-century Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris go up in flames, a collective gasp of "Sacrebleu! How could this happen!" could be heard. To answer this question, WHN Arson Investigator Ned Ander-Thal flew to Paris to investigate.  What he found has led to criminal charges against a powerful person and even more powerful corporation.  

In an exclusive only to be found in the WHN,  Ned reports that the purported 'electrical fire' responsible for the fire was simply a 'smoke-screen' (pun intended) to protect a foreign Queen and one of the most powerful corporations on earth.  It can now be reported that during the filming of Episode 4 (Season 8) of the HBO show Game of Thrones, Queen Daenerys 'The Mother of Dragons' Targaryen became upset due to the disappearance of her 'calming' herbal tea and uttered "Dracarys! No hot tea and no Parisian croissant.... has the Lord of Light no compassion!" The distress of the Khaleesi upset the semi-domesticated dragons being used in the film shoot and one (Drogon we think) escaped the dragon wranglers, flew across The Narrow Sea to Paris.  There the dragon, due to the rude behavior of the Parisians themselves, inadvertently attacked the Cathedral.


Was LACK OF SMOKING TEA the cause of the Notre Dame fire? An investigation into the Notre Dame Cathedral fire points to a dragon starting the fire.  Daenerys 'Mother of Dragons' Targaryen has been charged by the French for a 'crise de mauvaise humeur' over a missing cup of tea that led one of two HBO dragons to cross The Narrow Sea and set fire to the house of the Lord of Light. BUT WHO STOLE THE TEA? Did John Snow set up the Dragon Queen?

Security camera footage captures dragon immediately after setting fire to Notre Dame.

In response, France has called the attack indefensible, "How could we possibly PREVENT dragon attacks, c'est impossible".  [EDITOR:  One US Expert Says It Could Have Been Prevented!  see sidebar] The French government has announced that they will SUE HBO for BILLION$.  HBO in response has stated that by using state of the art CGI (computer-generated imagery), Notre Dame can be fully restored digitally for a fraction of the cost of physically rebuilding the very old, out-dated, monstrosity that previously stood on the Isle de la Cite.  Per one unnamed HBO Executive, "That old thing was cold in the winter, the roof leaked, it wasn't wired with fiber optic cables for high speed internet, and worst of all is so damn old you couldn't get original parts for it.  Believe me when I say that a DIGITAL Notre Dame can be upgraded repeatedly at a fraction of the cost. Who wants this old crap anyway - too expensive to maintain."