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Satire Since 1993

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World Headline News

September 1, 2019   •   Issue 119

The Lying King is 'The Chosen One'

WHN EXCLUSIVE Docudrama: The Chosen One starring in (a limited run of?) 'The Lying King'  © 2019 Ned Ander-Thal

Almost Washington State (WHN) September 1, 2019. In announcing the annexation of Greenland from Denmark, President Trump stated, "We should have let the Germans keep Denmark after World War II.  THOSE Germans knew about geopolitics and that BIG countries swallow smaller, weaker, countries. Adolf's problem was that Russia was BIGGER. Denmark still owes us for saving their bacon, mmmm, bacon and Danish....  They either give it to me, our they will feel the wrath of my slush!  But I like to wheel and deal, so, just because I'm a nice guy, I would be willing to trade them that nasty Puerto Rico in exchange for Greenland.

Is it America's SUNRISE or SUNSET?

TЯUMP: "I am the Chosen One"

Trump Declares War On Denmark -

Moves Troops From Afghanistan to Greenland


Unveil$ Immigration Reform$

Oligarchs ONLY Need Apply

Almost Washington State (WHN) September 1, 2019.  Frustrated with the unwillingness of the Democrats in the House of Representative to pass meaningful deportation laws, President Trump has issued an Executive Order limiting who has the rights to immigrate to the USA.  "The fantastic changes I am implementing today will enrich America* with only the BEST people; and by that I mean people who can afford to buy condos in the Trump Properties.  My sons. Don Jr. and Eric, will be joining the Administration to oversee the new policy."

According to the new policy, to avoid detention, family separation and eventual deportation, highly qualified (credit score greater than: $$$$) immigrants can apply for the Trump approved "USA SUPER-PASS" .

Per Mr. Trump, "Unlike the Obama approach, this plan is a real money-maker, not a money pit!  Don Jr. and Eric will make sure that all funds raised will benefit my AMERICA*!"  * see Disclaimer on Application Form.

With Strategic US Snowball resources threatened by global warming, President Trump has announced plans to annex Greenland in order to regain World Snowball Superiority. Per Mr. Trump, "America must EXPAND, just look at me, I've done my part.  I've always said, GO BIG or go home, and I've gone BIG!  See my balls?  The ruler of Denmark doesn't have balls this BIG, she was just letting Greenland go to waste - just look around, no Trump condo complexes."  In this EXCLUSIVE WHN photo, Mr. Trump is seen celebrating his 'Superior Balls' in front of the newly named Mount Melania: "I named it Mount Melania because it's big and white.... and untouchable because she's it's so cold and frigid..."   Photo Credit:  Ned Ander-Thal, WHN © 2019

Almost Washington State (WHN) September 1, 2019.  Clearly God's favorite, America has been blessed with the BEST President ever according to a poll conducted by the Republican Association of Transactional Science (R.A.T.S.). Mr. Вёg Pяoffёt, President of R.A.T.S., stated, "The 'random people' we polled by phone, absolutely love the guy.  Our polling guru, that infamous French-Canadian Vlad M.R. Poutine, used the latest in technology and surveyed 20,000 people in the +7 country code to confirm, er, discover, the popularity of the President among average citizens.  This highly 'scientific' poll found that Mr. Trump had an approval rating of slightly over 99.99%." Upon hearing the results of the G.O.P. (Government of Putin) funded poll, an ecstatic Mr. Trump tweeted the results to putting (or Putin-ing?) to rest claims by the Democrats that his previously dismal approval ratings were dropping further.



“Give me your RICH, your GLAMOROUS, your bundled REAMS of CASH that yearns to buy freedom.”

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”





Trump threatens 'Nasty' Leader of DENMARK with


* Designed in Mar-a-Lago, Constructed in China

Greenland, U.S.A.

(Click Form Icon to Open and Complete)

Today Denmark, tomorrow Canada - I mean we do need a contiguous land bridge between the lower 48 and Alaska, our 49th state, and Greenland, our soon to be 51st state... and that damn Canada just keeps gets in the way.... Hmmm, could we be looking at another fantastic real estate deal?  That Trudeau doesn't have much of an army or air force. Once we have Greenland, we will be BIGGER than Canada, so say 'good-bye' to those Canucks. But we will still be smaller than Russia - good thing that I'm a Russian favorite, huh?"

However, despite the claim that the annexation of Greenland is simply reparations for the financial costs to the USA of liberating Denmark in World War II, WHN Geopolitical Analyst Dr. Ned Ander-Thal states, "It's not that simple. Due to global warming, the USA is suffering a severe shortage of BIG strategic snowballs. If you look at Alaska's 2019 summer temperatures - record breaking heat into the 90°F - America's snowball superiority over Russia and an emerging China has literally evaporated. Sure, they can scrape up a few small ones from the White House freezers, but those won't win Snowball Superiority.   Trump had no choice BUT to TAKE Greenland in order to regain America's World Snowball Superiority.  Can you image what would happen IF Russia had bigger balls than the USA?"

Sources within the White House have denied Dr. Ander-Thal's supposition instead stating that Greenland has simply been annexed for the mere comfort of the President.  White House spokesperson "Name Unknown Due To Constant Turnover" stated, "When you look at Mr. Trump's diet - burger, fries, and Coke - he has become very well, er, 'insulated', and is most comfortable in cooler climates.  Mar-a-Lago is just too hot.  Plus, it's no colder there than it is in the White House residential quarters bedroom.... brrrr!"  'Ms. Unknown' was not available for follow-up questions but can be seen weekday mornings on Fox Cable News.

Members of the Administration stated that the polling results emboldened the 'The Chosen One' to pursue the annexation of Greenland. "I can't do wrong, I've never listened to anyone who says I've done wrong, and what I want, God wants me to have as well. I hate to brag, but just look how BIG my halo is."  According to highly placed sources, Mr. Trump feels that his status of 'The Chosen One' and his ongoing expansion of the territory of the United States (Greenland and, soon, Canada) makes the title of 'President' "weak" and that he should adopt a new title.

Despite claims from the FAKE news, more than 99.99% of American's LOVES ME.  I'm more popular than Jesus -

I am the 'CHOSEN ONE'......

In a recent interview on FOX News, Mr. Trump stated, "Denmark has a king, so as the Leader of the United States, the Free World, and the NEW leader of Greenland, I must also be a King. I mean, we are much more important than Denmark - what are they famous for - wooden shoes?  Denmark doesn't even have a Trump Golf Course. My mother was Scottish and I've always liked the stories of King Richard The Lionheart, hence, from this day forward I shall be known as 'Trump the Lion King'.

Unsurprisingly, political opponents of the "Lion King" have declared him to be the "Lying King". Fortunately, since the "Lion King" can't/won't read, he has not yet picked up on the subtle difference. Similarly, no one at the White House has been brave enough to point out to Mr. Trump that Denmark does NOT have a King; they have a Queen, Queen Margrethe II,  who is still, as of this date, the Queen of Greenland as well. Though , rumor has it, Melania may have some ambitions to assume that title under the name 'Queen Melania, The Ice Queen'.

THE FUTURE?  July 4, 2019

The Chosen One : "HOW DO YOU LIKE THOSE TANKS!  Great aren't they!  I plan to have a tank on every street corner in America by November 2020! Can you believe it, there are people who actually want to replace me - how can they even think that.... I am 'THE CHOSEN ONE'." [see previous story]



EDITOR'S NOTE:  The +7 country code is Russia...

January 1, 2019:  THE NOT SO DIVINE IDIOT! "Knowledge or inspiration, Divine or otherwise, is not needed or wanted - I only trust my gut!." [see previous story]

"I'll gladly trade Puerto Rico to Denmark for Greenland."