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Satire Since 1993

June 23, 2020   •   Issue 134

Trump 'Rallies' America


"But I am NOT liable for any illness!"

WHN EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Donald Trump and Attorney General Barr review the White House Security detail prior to Mr. Trump's visit to St. John's Episcopal Church to demonstrate to the world how to hold a bible; "You need to now how to hold it right, otherwise the holy water may spill out of it... what, oh, that's a glass that spills water? Never mind....".  World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

Almost Washington State (WHN) June 23, 2020. "Look at this crowd; have you ever seen a crowd this BIG!" a jubilant Donald Trump yelled at his recent triumphant Tulsa rally.  Mr. Trump regaled the 'HUGE' crowd stating, "I've conquered the coronavirus, or as I like to call it, THE CHINA VIRUS, or the KUNG FLU, pandemic. No more Americans, though possibly some illegals, will ever again test positive for the virus [EDITOR: see sidebar].  In honor of my accomplishments, we will spread my 'TRUTHS' to all my believers at more, huger, raucous rallies in all the best places. I want to see my faithfuls followers smile, so NO masks; and I want to feel the warmth of the crowd, so NO social distancing; and I want the events to be memorable, so massive coronavirus outbreaks to make history. Here I come Phoenix, Jacksonville, and Mar-a-Lago. Sure my rallies violates EVERY CDC recommendation, but who cares - I love to hear people chant my name! And LOOK at my bible - nobody has a bigger bible than me; not even the Pope. As you can see, I depend on the bible for both spiritual and physical support.... But mostly I use it like I use the flag... Hey look, Mitch and Mike made it! Hey Guys!! Take a DEEP BREATH and look at my fancy campaign staff party balloons. May the South rise again - we need to protect our 'Southern Patriots' like Hood, Lee, Jefferson Davis and 'Jim Crow'!"

Despite Trump campaign claims that 1 million people registered for the Tulsa event and that, due to the expected 100,000 attendees, an overflow arena for 40,000 patriots was built, complete with a stage for a SECOND speech by Trump and Pence, the city of Tulsa Fire Department stated that only 6,200 people attended. A number well below the 19,000 seat capacity of the arena... though another 25 people were seen milling about in the 40,000 seat outdoor arena....

"They say I have no sense of humor. That is not true. Look at all the jokes I've appointed to my cabinet and judgeships*..."

*As of February 3, 2020, the American Bar Association (ABA) has deemed multiple Trump appointees unqualified for Federal judgeships. The ABA had rated 220 of President Trump's nominees. Of these nominees, 150 were rated "well-qualified," 61 were rated "qualified" and 9 were rated "not qualified". No Obama appointees were rated as "not qualified". Moreover, the Trump cabinet/senior advisors has the highest rate of turnover in modern Presidential history.


On Trump's Coronavirus Response Success!

South Korea, one of the earliest nations affected by the coronavirus, has a death rate of ~5 per million population.  The United States has a death rate of ~360 per million population. It is also worth noting that the population density of South Korea is MUCH higher than that of the United States theoretically making coronavirus spread MUCH easier. Aggressive early testing and contact tracing made the difference in South Korea - a key tenet of the Obama Pandemic Plan that the Trump Administration discarded in favor of ignoring and/or discounting the risk of the coronavirus and ignoring public health measures. The U.S. response is failing as hospital and ICU admissions are once again INCREASING in large parts of the United States. ICU beds in Arizona, the next stop on Trump's tour, are already full...  

As a stable genius, I have single handedly saved America from the 'China Virus'.  First I discovered hydroxy-covfefe as a miracle treatment for the 'China Virus', then I encouraged Americans to disinfect their bowels and eyes via the use of disinfectants - I personally recommend Gatorade with Clorox! By these swift medical interventions I am positive that I saved people. But that was not enough for some - especially those Democrats.  'SOME' people continue to claim that the 'China Virus', or the 'Kung Flu' as I like to call it, is still a problem because the reported number of infected people is increasing in many locations like Arizona, Alabama, Georgia and Florida - all states I need to win for my re-election.

Using my giant brain, I solved this problem too! I am pleased to announce that, as of today, there will be no more coronavirus in the USA.... mostly because I realized that [begin real quotes] "If the US stopped testing, there would be no more coronavirus cases!... so I told my people to slow the testing down!" As I like to say, ignorance is bliss - the philosophy by which I have lived all my life - and I am the most ignorant person possible!

America finally has a 'Doctor' who will lie and say ONLY what HE wants you to hear...

"Trump commingled the personal and the national not just on trade questions but across the whole field of national security. I am hard-pressed to identify any significant Trump decision during my White House tenure that wasn't driven by reelection calculations."

"I don't think he is fit for office."

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Trump's motorcade travels through the streets of Tulsa on his way to his recent rally.  As can be seen, HUGE crowds [EDITOR: we counted and there were 6,200 people!] were lined up hoping for a chance to see the 'Dear Leader' of the free world. However, some scientists and ethicist (obviously 'NEVER-TRUMPERS') expressed concerns about intentionally exposing people to the risk of acquiring a deadly virus just for a Presidential photo op. Indeed according to these 'negative nabobs of negativism' [Spiro Agnew 1970], Mr. Trump was simply facilitating the spread of coronavirus (8 Trump staffers to date). World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

How I Conquered The 'China Virus' FAKE Pandemic

By Donald

"Doc" Trump


The, now former, darling of the right dishes the dirt on Trump.

Trump was willing to intervene in criminal investigations "to, in effect, give personal favors to dictators he liked....   ...The pattern looked like obstruction of justice as a way of life, which we couldn't accept."

NOTE: Per capita testing is actually higher in the EU

Not since Watergate has the Presidential news cycle moved so fast... ...and so bizarrely. Our once a month reports have turned to twice a month and now...  who knows, the man seems to have an unlimited capacity to do/say 'the most interesting things'....  Raise your hand if you still remember the impeachment....

Trump Derangement Syndrome In Action Ivanka, I Think He Needs More Sedative ...

Almost Washington State (WHN) June 23, 2020. Dubbed 'America's Law and Order President' by his supporters, Mr. Trump is working tirelessly (well, at least between golf games and rallies) to impose HIS sense of order on an inherently disorderly democratic system. "I make the law and Big Boy Bill Barr lays down the order. The only protestors I want on the street are my biker gangs and those fine, strangely white, people that I encourage to protest for the Second Amendment! Hillbillies with guns are just fine with me, but those Antifa-people protesting for 'justice' don't understand 'justice'. My Justice Department, led by my BFF Bill Barr, will force justice down the throat of those antifa radicals. Also, in the name of justice, I have told Bill to fire that disloyal Geoffrey Berman from the Southern District of New York. You would think that he would show me some loyalty since I gave him the job... but no.  He goes after my former BFF Michael Cohen - sends him to JAIL; jail is for Hillary..or Bolton ... or Pelosi. Berman was even investigating my good friend Rudy Giuliani and his Ukrainian pals who were helping me fabricate, er, get some dirt on Biden.  That Berman guy was out of control; claiming it was all about justice. Bah!  But hey, justice is relative - if you're my relative or friend, there is NO justice for you 'cause I've given you PRESIDENTIAL immunity so you can keep doing the injustice!"   

Attorney General Barr, fresh from purging both peaceful protestors and an ethical U.S. Attorney (overseeing many of the criminal cases against the President and his allies) is not resting on his laurels, "I have evidence that Joe Biden was born in China, that's why he wears the sunglasses, and therefore can't run for President. Moreover, he has been implicated in several masked holdups... and may have created the 'Kung Flu' virus with George Soros and Bill Gates. I am assigning famed inveastigator Rudy Giuliani to investigate these claims..."

Testing DOES NOT explain the ever increasing incidence of COVID-19 in the USA. When analyzed as tests per 1,000,000 population, the USA ranks #26 in the world at ~87,000 tests per million.  In contrast, the UK (#18) has done ~118,00 tests per million while Monaco (#1) has done ~413,000 tests per million.  Canada (#37) has done ~64,000 tests per million. South Korea (#80), which does extensive contact tracing, does 'surprisingly little testing' at only ~23,000 tests per million but has effectively controlled COVID-19.  

BARR: My Job Is To Protect Trump At ALL Costs - Even At The Expense of Justice!

'Friends and Family Plan' In Place


WHN EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Have you seen this masked, socially distant, man? Wanted for "Voter Rustling" May be dangerous, do not attempt to apprehend, text Bill Barr @Trump2020 for unspecified 'reward' - HINT:  could be a Presidential Cabinet Position!  World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.


June 25


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