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Satire Since 1993

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World Headline News

January 1, 2020   •   Issue 124

Impeachment Begins?

The End of The American Republic?

It may take a few decades, but history suggests the GOP response to Trump's actions, his impeachment by the House of Representatives, and the Senate's abdication of its mandated constitutional role spell the beginning of the end for constitutional order.

Almost Washington State (WHN) January 1, 2020. In an enthralling conclusion to 2019, Washington D.C. was treated to a tear inducing fireworks show at the Nations Capital as House Democrats pursued a surprisingly agile Donald Trump as he fled the House of Representatives.

White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham stated that, "In contrast to the claims of Speaker Pelosi, Mr. Trump was not fleeing the House Democrats, "Mr. Trump was simply practicing for the 'Running of the Bulls' that is held annually in July in Pamplona, Spain.  As everyone, but the Democrats, know, Mr. Trump is a stickler for regular physical exercise and this was just part of his unrelenting regime.  Plus, since it was practice for the Bulls of Pamplona, the House Democrats seemed like a perfect replacement because, as Rudy Giuliani likes to say, of all the bulls**t the Democrats like to call evidence.  I mean demonstrable 'Facts' versus 'Alternative Facts' who to say what is real... clearly not the President."

House and Senate Democrats however state that Mr. Trump was not properly exercising - neither physically nor constitutionally.  Moreover, photographic evidence obtained by WHN Investigative Reporter Ned Ander-Thal, has been seized upon by the Democrats as further evidence of Mr. Trump's illegal behavior.  Indeed, some say it is THE smoking gun...

WHN EXCLUSIVE Photo: Democratic Representatives aggressively pursue Donald Trump following a pitched battle in the U.S. House of Representatives. A defeated, but unrepentant, Donald Trump flees towards the safety of the Senate (and, if necessary, the Eastern European home of friend and confident, Vlad M.R. Poutine, a well-known French-Canadian. Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News © 2020.

House Issues 'Articles of Impeachment' - Trump Flees to Senate

WHN EXCLUSIVE: A chip off the old block? Mr. Trump's Senate Defense team. "They all love ME as do I!"  

Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News © 2020.

Almost Washington State (WHN) January 1, 2020. WHN Investigative Reporter Ned Ander-Thal has, literally, captured an exclusive photo of President Trump with the Quid Pro Quo Smoking Gun.  Unlike the Democratic National Committee (DNC) computer server that Trump, and some Republicans, claim resides in the Ukraine, Mr. Trump was photographed fleeing Democratic Representatives towards the Senate chambers with the still smoking Quid Pro Quo shotgun in his hands.

Nancy Pelosi, upon seeing the photo stated: "I pray that he won't injure himself." Acting decisively, Ms. Pelosi then removed her riot helmet and yelled, "Donald, don't run with that thing, you'll shoot your eye out!".  

WHN EXCLUSIVE Photo: Vlad M.R. Poutine to Moscow Mitch; "Look at those moves!  He truly is MY 'American Hero'." Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News © 2020.

Hindsight is Always 20/20 (or is it?)


"Hindsight is no longer 20/20; and may even be dangerous..."

!! OUCH !!

Almost Washington State (WHN) January 1, 2020. President Trump congratulated Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell on his loyalty to the G.O.P. [EDITOR: Government of Putin] after the Kentucky Republican said he would coordinate with White House counsel on "everything" regarding the looming Senate impeachment trial. McConnell told Fox News Thursday night, "Everything I do during this, I will be coordinating with White House counsel." To this end, Trump and McConnell, along with the mysterious French-Canadian Vlad M.R. Poutine, have assembled a stalwart defense team.  Mr. Rudy Giuliani will handle the prosecution of the prosecution, as well as any potential 2020 Democratic Presidential nominee.  Senator Lindsey Graham will be in charge of 'down-home analogies' that bear no relevance to evidence produced by Democrats.  A surprising member of the team is Congressman Jim Jordan.  Mr. McConnell has recruited Mr. Jordan because it gets hot in the Senate Chambers and the Republican Senators "don't know how to take off their own suit coats and we're hoping that Mr. Jordan can teach us ol'dogs new tricks and provide the necessary expertise to help us get rid of these blasted things." While Mr. Jordan may prove essential as the hearings heat up, Mr. McConnell let slip the Senator's key weapon against the impeachment process, "But the real key to beating the impeachment rap, we've codenamed Operation 'Darth Vader'. Oops, forget I said that!".

Operation Darth Vader': McConnell's slip has set the internet on fire as the public, and Democrats in particular, speculate what Operation 'Darth Vader' might be. WHN Investigative Reporter Ned Ander-Thal, using secret White House sources, has uncovered the outlines of the secret operation.  Per Mr. Ander-Thal, the plan was devised by the mysterious French-Canadian Vlad M.R. Poutine.  Mr. Poutine was secretly recruited to the team by Mr. Trump and Mr. McConnell following their visit to Mr. Poutine's countryside dacha (thought to be located outside of Moscow, 'Quebec').  The recruitment of the shadowy Mr. Poutine, an internationally recognized expert in foreign relations, has surprised both the Democrats and some moderate (who of course are NOT running for re-election in 2020) Republicans - but not Mr. Trump's inner circle.  According to the documents leaked to Mr. Ander-Thal, the biggest risk to the President is his unpopularity amongst the general public. Despite the repeated and ongoing efforts of the FOX News Channel to mitigate the problem, the technology to fully reverse Mr. Trump's unpopularity did not exist - until now. Developed at Mr. Poutine's secret Siberian, er, Nunavut, laboratory since late 2015, Mr. Trump (internet rumors abound that Mr. Trump himself is a secret clone of Mr. Poutine) has been semi-successfully cloned.  The 'mini-me's' lacked only a brain - an apparent fault originating with the original Trump.  To compensate for the neurological defect, rabid supporters of the President were cloned, their heads amputated, and surgically attached to the Trump bodies.  While the dismemberment step was not absolutely necessary ( a mini-McConnell would likely have functioned), Mr. Poutine thought it was a fun step and that the infamous Trump physique would provide an additional benefit.  By introducing the army of Trump clones into the political and social (via Facebook and Twitter) environment it is felt that this would both complement and complete the efforts of the Fox News Channel.

Consequent to the discovery of Operation 'Darth Vader' and Democratic concerns about Mr. Trump's the top-notch defense team, several frightened Democrats have expressed, per Mr. McConnell, nonsensical reservations about the Senate trial.  Indeed, Democratic Congressman Jerry Nadler stated the hysterical belief "The Constitution prescribes a special oath for the senators when they sit as a trial in impeachment. They have to pledge to do impartial justice, and here you have the majority leader of the Senate, in effect, the foreman of the jury, saying they're going to work hand and glove with the defense attorney, Now, that's a violation of the oath they're about to take, and it's a complete subversion of the constitutional scheme."  Mr. McConnell refuted this clearly crazy statement, "That can't be the case. If we had to listen to evidence AND be impartial, we'd have to convict Mr. Trump.  There is just too much evidence of against the man.  That is why I HAVE to coordinate with the White House just to make sure that we don't look like a bunch of fools... and I can't do this without my army of Trump clones.  Besides, Melania told me she hopes one of them is more 'functional' than the original..."

Others have expressed concerns for their own personal safety - especially in light of the involvement of Mr. Poutine and the large number of headless cloned bodies piling up outside the Senate.  Senator Link vonOski of the great state of (state redacted for safety) opined, "This, French-Canadian, is problematic for us Democrats.  This man can make the evidence - both the physical and the person - disappear.  We may be asking, in the near future, where have Pelosi and Schumer disappeared to and then be told by the FOX News Channel and InfoWars that they have secretly eloped or that they have season passes to Disneyland. We may never know the truth..."


The REAL Genius?

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Mr. Trump's Partying at Mar-a-Lago on New Years Eve 2019.  

Photo: Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News © 2020.

Trump Impeachment Defense Team Announced

Mysterious 'French-Canadian' In Charge?

The Amazing Ander-Thal's Predictions for

20/20 and BEYOND

A Prognosticator With Unbelievable Accuracy!

It was the perfect phone call; I asked Stormy if she would

... do me a 'favor'...

... and she did...

Devin Nunes, Kevin McCarthy, Lindsey Graham, and 'Moscow' Mitch McConnell have vigorously disagreed with the House Democrats and most constitutional scholars.  In a joint [EDITOR: yes, it is legal now in many states, but we don't think it was that kind of joint... though they did go out for pizza afterwards...] communique, these leading Trump defenders in the House and Senate stated, "This virile specimen of a man known as Donald J. Trump is perfect - indeed better than perfect. In fact, we have unanimously agreed that he is 'America's Action Hero'.  No President has done more to the environment, the justice system, or constitutional order than this man. We can hardly imagine what more he can do with four more years."  House and Senate Democrat similarly wondered what the Donald would do with another four years as well... leading them to smoke a joint...  

Based on the evidence uncovered by Ukraine investigators, 'many' Health Experts state that 'hindsight' can have adverse psychological, and even physical, effects - especially to those with 20/20 vision (uncorrected or corrected).  Hence, to protect the American viewing public, this once standard quote is being updated the Trump's administration to:


WHN EXCLUSIVE: Will Mr. Trump be 'America's LAST Action Hero'?. Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News © 2020.