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Satire Since 1993

August 15, 2020   •   Issue 136

The Best Year Ever

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Link Ander-Thal is enthralled with 2020 stating "It's the best year ever for walks, dog treats, and shaking hands for even MORE dog treats. I hope this pandemic NEVER ends!" Tuxedo designed by Wendy of Berkeley. World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

“Nobody can play the DOG WHISTLE better than me!”

Almost Washington State (WHN) August 15, 2020.  While many Homo sapiens have disparaged the viral events overtaking 2020, not all of Earth's inhabitants have been adversely affected. In a poll conducted by the World Headline News sister publication Woof-Howl-Nose (WHN), 98% of it's readers/shredders/chewers agree that 2020 IS THE BEST YEAR EVER!

Intrep-'peed' WHN reporter, and Premier League squirrel chaser, Link Ander-Thal states: "America's Canis lupus familiaris believe that, er, wait a second, I need to lick down there, aaahhh, that the pandemic has been a boon to the Homo sapiens-Canis familiaris relationship.  I myself have noted a SIGNIFICANT (p<0.001) increase in my contact time with my house humans. This has resulted in a very beneficial increases in walks, dog treats, outdoor time and squirrel chasing.... and I never get tired of them looking at me with their big eyes and begging 'Who's a good boy!'.  Of course I always tell them that they 'are the good boy... and girl!'.

But it has also been a great time for us to open new businesses.  I personally have started my own business: Custom Interiors Designs By Link®. The Ander-Thal's were, not surprisingly, one of my first customers. I can honestly say I have NEVER heard any humans scream with as much excitement as my humans did when they saw my design (photo below). I proved that they loved the effort I put into this custom design.

2020: Best Year Ever!

Custom Interior Designs By Link®

“I think this throw pillow should go there, there, there, there and there...  and maybe, just a tiny bit, there...”

"I literally cried when I saw the results"

Ned Ander-Thal

"It's A GREAT Time To Open A New Small Business!"

TRUMP Signs Executive Order Giving Votes To Canine Citizens

Chihuahuas and Afghan Hounds Excluded

Moreover, we canines are now, compliments of the GREAT PRESIDENT TRUMP, an important voting block. Obviously all canines are grateful to Mr. Trump for the fantastic year that 2020 has become and....


.....oh, sorry, it was just Donald's hair

flapping in the wind....."

Almost Washington State (WHN) August 15, 2020. In light of national polling showing Mr. Trump loosing by double digits to the Biden-Harris campaign, the Trump Administration has made an 'unpresidential' move to INCREASE VOTER ENROLLMENT!

In a bold move, Mr. Trump issued the "CANINE VOTER ACT" Executive Order giving the vote to 'Real American Dogs'. Per Mr. Trump, "Dogs love me.. they think I am charismatic and they chase after me all the time. Dogs also love what I've done to America - they get more time with their humans and dog shelters are virtually empty as these happy dogs find homes with people 'choosing' to leave the workplace. My staff tells me that because of my lack of a pandemic response, that I should get about 98% of the canine voters. With almost 90 million dogs in the United states - most eligible to now vote - I am certain to win a second term. To help out these new voters, I am also unveiling a NEW G.O.P. incentive to these voters: A lifetime supply of dog treats;  but just not any old treat, but Trump Treats® - a delicious blend of choice cuts from Democrats unsustainably harvested from protestors, House Representatives and Senators."

"But to make sure that we maintain the integrity of the election this fall, the Canine Voter Act specifically EXCLUDES chihuahuas (very bad hombres) and chihuahua mixes (possibly bad hombres), as well as Afghan, I call them un-Christian, hounds. But, to make up for those exclusions, Siberian Huskies, Borzoi, Caucasian Shepherd Dogs, and Russian Wolfhounds get 10 votes each. Moreover, because most dogs can't write or use the postal system, it is now even more imperative that we prohibit mail-in ballots (though absentee ballots are ok) as it would disenfranchise this crucial voter pool."

An obviously upset Biden stated, "Trump doesn't even have a dog... and dogs don't like Trump! They only appear to like him because of that squirrel he wears as a toupee!  My dog Major, a rescued German Shepherd*, tells me I have nothing to worry about and that come this October, we will pull out our OCTOBER SURPRISE and reveal that the 'squirrel' is nothing but a bad comb-over. We have also appealed to the Supreme Court to block the Trump Campaign from bribing the Canine voter with the obviously delicious Trump Treats® - they MUST be good because they are made with real Democrats. I will say though, my dog Major is against the proposed prohibition against Trump Treats® as he will do almost anything for a good treat - maybe even vote Republican.... damn the wizardry of Donald Trump. My only hope this fall may be to release millions of squirrels around polling sites!"

* DISCLOSURE: Major Biden and WHN Reporter Link Ander-Thal

are both adopted GERMAN (should they even be allowed to vote?)

Shepherds and may be related...

WHN EXCLUSIVE: President Trump announces the "Canine Voter Act" Executive Order allowing most dogs to vote in the coming Presidential Election. SQUIRREL! World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Democrats, but not dogs, have criticized the Trump Campaign for try to buy the Canine Vote via distribution of Trump Treats® - delicious treat made from 100% Democrats that have been harvested 'unsustainably' via Federal Agents in Portland, Seattle, New York, Chicago, and Washington D.C. World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

Or maybe not!

Look Closely!

Dog Whistle Politics: The term is an expression for a message that 'could' be interpreted as innocuous, but is actually a coded term intended to be interpreted favorably by a specific group of people. Common 'dog whistles' themes are extremist racial, economic, political, or religious beliefs.

“Because of this, America is going to the dogs...”

If a country or organization is "going to the dogs" it means it is becoming less successful (i.e., failing) than it was in the past.

COVID-19 Reality Check & Update

The 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic killed about 675,000 Americans over ~3 years (~19,000 per month).

In 6 months of 2020, WITH MODERN MEDICAL CARE, the COVID-19 pandemic has killed >170,000 Americans (~28,000 per month).

Is Trump's 'Canine Voters Act' Fomenting Domestic Violence?

Democrats Cower in Fear as Canine Demand for Trump Treats Explodes!

Tucson, Arizona (WHN) August 15, 2020. Evidence is mounting that Trump Treats may be highly addictive and lead to increases in domestic violence as previously docile dogs attack their human companions when the treats are withheld. Recent SPCA-Police Blotter reports that Ted Ander-Thal, brother of Ned Ander-Thal, was battered by Winston, his Rhodesian Ridgeback mix, when the aforementioned Ted refused to give Winston Trump Treats. A terrified Ted stated, "Hell they're made from Democrats abducted from the streets of Portland, Seattle, New York, Chicago and Washington D.C. by jack booted Federal troops.  I didn't want to feed my friends to my dog. But somebody fed Winston a Trump Treats at the dog park - I think it was a guy from 'Bikers for Trump' and Winston became hooked after just one cookie. When the big brown eyes wouldn't make me buy the damn Trump Treats, Winston butted me in the eye - just look at my black eye! Now I'm scared - Winston is big and he's been rampaging through the house looking for those treats. At the rate these dogs gobble those treats up, there won't be any Democrats left to vote in November..... oh, now I understand. But what can I do? If Winstons happy, I'm happy... or at least alive. So what if they're made from my friends - a man has got to do what a man has got to do.  I think I'll invite Bernie Sanders over for 'dinner' - the Trump Treats made from him might get me through to November.... Where I will have to vote for Trump or be eaten...."  

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Highly addictive Trump Treats are leading to domestic violence as dogs will do anything to feed their cravings. Shown is Winston, formerly a 'Good Boy!' tracking down a hidden stash of Democrat-laced kibble. World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

Canine Contentment At All Time High!

Exclusive to the

World Headline News