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Science News

Living T-Rex Species Discovered!

America Trembles: Small Hands, BIG Mouth, and Danger to All

June 17, 2016

Surrey (WHN)  Famed paleontologist Dr. Ned Ander-Thal of the Cranial Bonehead Society (CBS) today exclaimed:  “The T-Rex is NOT extinct – just ever so slightly evolved”!  This astounding discovery was discovered using sophisticated DNA (Donald Not Allthere) testing of fecal matter obtained from a feral “Trump”.  Dr. Ander-Thal, a Senior CBS Scientist, and his colleagues risked their lives tracking a feral Trump specimen in Florida to order obtain the DNA material necessary to determine its proper phylogenetic order.  Based on the DNA specimens recovered, as well as a peculiar habit (described below) of the feral Trump, Dr. Ander-Thal has successfully placed the Trump in the same prehistoric phylogenetic tree as the Tyrannosaurus rex and Drumphosaurus rex.  Dr. Ander-Thal has proposed the scientific name Trumpassosaurus rex.  Colloquially the newly identified creature is known as the 'Trumpass' to differentiate it from the T. rex.

According to Dr. Ander-Thal, the initial 'hint' of the genetic ties between the here-to-fore poorly characterized Trumpass creature to the more ancient T. rex arose from the astute observation of amateur Floridian paleontologist Mr. Marco Rubio.  Mr. Rubio documented both the menacing nature and small hands of the feral Trump.  According to Mr. Rubio, “The Trump snarled aggressively at me, but was stymied in his attempts to punch me by his small hands.  Unfortunately, theTrump did succeed in knocking me out via his tall Tales [sic] which hit me quite hard”.   Other keen observers, including a Mr. Jeb Bush, also of Florida, noted that the Trump has a VERY large mouth and a vicious bite.  Per Mr. Bush, “The Trump commonly bites all the hands that feeds it, and, in my case, also kicked my butt”.

These keen amateur insights led the highly respected Dr. Ander-Thal to begin tracking the elusive Trumpass in hopes of collecting fecal specimens for DNA analysis from the victims of its foul attacks.  Observational studies (see CNN, Fox, MSNBC, ABC, NBC and CBS) report that the Trump commonly smears its prey with fecal matter prior to the victim's eventual evisceration.  Tracking the Trump was not easy.  However, the observations of the Floridians clearly demonstrated that Florida was within the natural range of the Trumpass with multiple sightings occurring around the Mar-a-Lago Game Preserve in Palm Beach, Florida.  

In an attempt to document the Trumpass in it's natural habitat, Dr. Ander-Thal collaborated with the renowned 'wild-life' model and photographer Melania Knauss who had been pursuing the Trump since 2000.  In 2005 Melania successfully planted a semi-permanent tracker on a finger, apparently very tiny finger, of one male Trump affectionately named 'The Donald' by Ms. Knauss.  Using the advanced tracker technology, Ms. Melania captured for the WHN an EXCLUSIVE photo of 'The Donald' immediately following its wallowing in the water hazard of the 9th hole of the Mar-a-Lago Game Preserve in Florida.  

However, much to the lament of many Americans, it appears that the range of the Trumpass is not limited to Florida.  Based on the scientific analysis of wide-spread sighting over the last few months, it appears that the its range extends geographically from at least New York City and the Hamptons in the east to Las Vegas, Nevada in west.  Furthermore, confirmed and unconfirmed Trumpass sightings have now been reported from in all 50 states –suggesting that the Trumpass has vastly expanded its range within the United States.   Moreover, there is fear that the Trumpassosaurus rex may extend its range to additional countries in the coming years.  Indeed, there have been some unconfirmed sightings of Trumpasses in Vancouver Canada.  Due to its viciousness and predatory nature, Mexico has become very concerned and is investigating building a wall at the border with the USA (at the expense of the USA) to prevent the Trumpass from invading its sovereign territories.

Many concerned Americans are calling for an open-season on the Trumps in hopes of eradicating their marauding nature from the United States.  Indeed, several businesses have been destroyed or forced into bankruptcy consequent to marauding Trumpasses.  Frightened citizens (and foreigners) have formed Pro-extinction groups and pushed for a November deadline for the eradication of, at the very least, 'The Donald' due to this one male's excessive aggressiveness.  However, despite innumerable reports of personal injury and property damage arising from the vicious Trumpass, very disturbing reports have reached the WHN of actual Pro-Trumpass groups!  In fact, reports from WHN readers have shown that 'Pro-Trumpass Saving Demonstrators' (PTSD) groups have formed in ALL 50 states, Guam and Puerto Rico (though the supporters numbers in the later location are apparently quite small – much like the hands of the Trumpass).  It is reported that these groups are attempting to stymie the much anticipated November extinction of the Trumpassosaurus rex.

Photo Credit: Covert water hole photo captured for the WHN by Ms. Melania Knauss of New York City and Palm Beach Florida. Ms. Knauss has been tracking the Trumpassosaurus rex since 2000.  In 2005, Melinda managed to attach a tracker device to one dominant male (nicknamed 'The Donald') that she has since been documenting.

   Scientific Facts and Figures:

  Trumpassosaurus rex

Taxonomy and Evolution: The Trumpassosaurus rex is the only living member of the phylogenetic dinosaur tree containing the Drumphosaurus rex and its evolutionary predecessor the Tyrannosaurus rex.

Size and Coloration:  The body size of the Trumpassosaurus rex is large and characterized by an oversized head.  The appearance of the head is made larger by an orange gold mane on the male.  There is some debate as to whether the mane is natural or if feral Trumpass males self-decorate using hair derived from its mammalian victims.  Despite its great body size, the Trumpass has surprisingly tiny hands and based on this, though not fully confirmed, several experts suggest that the male genitalia may be underdeveloped.  Outside of the orange mane, the male Trumpass is typically caucasian in coloration.  Indeed, the Trumpass is overtly hostile to other coloration schemes.

Intelligence:  Prehistoric brain structure based on preserved specimens of a related species (Drumphosaurus rex).  The brain size of the Trumpassosaurus rex 'may' be larger than a typical human brain but differs significantly in structure.  Based on the MRI analysis of an anesthetized specimen ('The Donald'; a feral Trumpassosaurus briefly studied in Florida), the cerebrum (the part of the brain used for critical thinking) is very, very tiny.  In contrast to the cerebrum, the amygdala (the center for emotions; e.g., anger) is vastly oversized (indeed huuge!) and may account for the viciousness and fecal slinging propensity of the Trumpassosaurus rex.   However, despite the size of the amygdala, little to no evidence for the antithesis of anger, i.e., compassion, in feral Trumpass.

Distribution and Habitat: Now thought to be present in all 50 states and many U.S. territories.  Most commonly sighted in New York City and Palm Beach Florida.  Extreme concern that it could become an invasive species in Mexico, North Korea, the Middle East and even Canada.  The Trumpassosaurus rex requires an 'abundance of everything' for survival.  In the absence of marble, gold, mink, and bankruptcy courts the Trumpassosaurus rex does not thrive.

Breeding and Reproduction: Based on the best characterized feral Trumpassosaurus rex, a specimen nicknamed 'The Donald' by wildlife biologists, males of the species are reported to be polygamist in nature.  Less is known regarding the breeding habits of female Trumpass though reports suggest that, like penguins, the male Trumpass presents the female with a rock to initiate breeding; typically it is a rather large stone composed highly compressed, and very sparkly, carbon.

Diet, Threats and Conservation Efforts:  The Trumpassosaurus rex has a very limited dietary range feeding almost exclusively on M&Ms (Mexicans and Muslims).  The Trumpassosaurus rex has no known natural predators and, as noted by his diet, is unafraid of humans.   Due to the vicious nature of the Trumpassosaurus rex there are minimal efforts at conservation – though recently the US Republican Party has adopted the Trumpassosaurus rex as its new mascot replacing the now dated, and politically incorrect, Ringling Brothers® Elephant.  Whether the Republican party truly wishes to save the Trumpassosaurus rex is highly debatable.

Exclusive WHN Report:

June 17, 2016   •   Issue 74

CAUTION: May cause habitat destruction for humans on planet Earth.

Exclusive to the World Headline News