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Satire Since 1993

Christmas 2021 Jesus is a 45 Cal. Peacemaker!


* The NEW Second Amendment Holiday

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Christmas, a holiday heretofore lacking a clear marketing message, has been reimagined by the GQP just in time for 2021. While golf clubs were the gift of choice for the establishment (i.e., RHINO) GQP, 'ammo and guns' are the gift of choice for the new GQP. But what about Democrats? According to GQP sources with the U.S. House of Representatives, "...the bullets are for them!"   © 2021 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

December 24, 2021   •   Issue 158


Teaching the World How To Be A "SUCCESSFUL" Democracy

Jesus Is The Reason For The Season!  no more...

Remember the old adage:

"Those who can't do, teach..."

Almost Washington State (WHN) December 24, 2021. In an attempt to reassure the world that the United States is still the leading democracy (despite being a Republic), President Biden held a virtual SUMMIT FOR DEMOCRACY (December 9-10, 2021). The attendees included countries with much BETTER democracy 'scores' than the U.S.A. as well as countries that could, at best, be described as 'benevolent' dictatorships.

The SUMMIT was focused on three themes:

1) Defending against authoritarianism

2) Addressing and Fighting Corruption and

3) Advancing human rights.

Strangely, these themes were in direct opposition to the focus of the Trump Administration which: 1) actively promoted both domestic and international authoritarianism; 2) embraced corruption both domestically and internationally; and 3) corroded human and voting rights both domestically and internationally.

However, some questions arose as to whether the U.S. should actually be lecturing about 'democracy' anymore. In 2020, using the the POLITY Scale, a long established set of parameters created in part by the U.S.A.*, these organizations stated that the United States no longer qualified as a democracy but was now an anocracy (see below).

However, members of the GQP remain unconcerned by these findings as they love to point out that the United States is NOT a democracy but rather a Representative Republic.... as if that distinction justified the anti-democratic actions of the Trump Administration.

Anocracy, or semi-democracy, is a form of government that is loosely defined as part democracy and part dictatorship, or as a "regime that mixes democratic with autocratic features." In 2020, the United States dropped below the democracy threshold on the POLITY Scale and is now considered an anocracy.  

The downgrade can be tied directly to the Trump administration’s actions over the past four years including the executive branch’s systematic rejection of congressional oversight; the executive branch’s systematic purge of “disloyalists” from government positions; the forceful response to protest; the vilification of the main opposition party (Democrats); and the undermining public trust in the electoral process.  Analysis of these trends places the US at “high risk of impending political instability (i.e., adverse regime change and/or onset of political violence)” and designates “the ongoing efforts of the [now former] USA executive to circumvent electoral outcomes and subvert democratic processes as an ‘attempted (presidential) coup’”.

Consequent to this shift, the United States has lost its designation as the world's oldest, continuous democracy.  That designation now belongs to Switzerland (171 years) followed by New Zealand (142 years) and the United Kingdom (139 years).

My Dearest Trumpushka,

While the pretender President Joe Biden did not invite us to his recent SUMMIT FOR DEMOCRACY, despite Russia's strong(arm) democratic history, we know that you would have invited us simply BECAUSE of our strong(arm) democratic history. I just wanted you to know that we deeply miss you in the White House. We (myself and the oligarchs) love you and we will do all we can to get you back into the White House in 2024 - or even sooner if our secret plans pan out! Would an invasion of the Ukraine be helpful? Or maybe cutting off gas supplies to western Europe this winter? Love to Ivana!

Your bff,  


Angry Putin Slams Biden's





& The Jolly Old

Elf Himself


PARADISE LOST: Trump Presidency Turned the

United States Into An Anocracy


REAL NEWS: Further attesting to the ongoing disintegration of American Democracy, Donald Trump announced (December 21, 2021) that he will host a press conference on January 6, 2022 to commemorate the First Anniversary of the Trump driven U.S. Capital Attack - or as he called it, the 'Peaceful ['Hang Mike Pence'] Protest Against The Rigged Presidential Election'. He further celebrated the GQP-driven efforts underway in Pennsylvania, Arizona, Georgia, Wisconsin and Michigan to introduce increasingly restrictive voting and to place dangerous powers into the hands of the GQP-controlled legislatures to override the popular vote, as well as to discard votes without proof of fraud.

Join The                 

Holiday Sing


Almost Washington State (WHN) December 24, 2021. Christmas, a holiday heretofore lacking any clear marketing message, has been re-imagined by the GQP just in time for 2021. To stimulate the economy, handguns, single action rifles, and, the even more popular, semi-automatic assault rifles are the new "go to" gifts for Americans of all ages. While golf clubs were previously the gift of choice for establishment (i.e., RHINO) GOP, 'guns and ammo' are the perfect gift for the new GQP family member. Indeed, CHRISTMAS 2.0 delivers more "BANG!" for the buck and, as an added bonus, increases the readiness of today's modern militias - a crucial cornerstone for any modern political party. Moreover, according to social influencer Lauren Boebert, guns are also a economic marvel as each gift results in more stimulation of the economy as "ammo don't come for free!" and "It's all about the consumables!". But what about a gift for your favorite Democrat? The GQP says "Don't worry, the bullets are for them! The new CHRISTMAS 2.0 rebranding reflects the 'holy', cuz' you seen road sign in the west ain'tcha, glory of the SECOND Amendment! Jesus wasn't no wimp...".

When asked by WHN Christmas Reporter Ned Ander-Thal about the 'upgrade' to CHRISTMAS 2.0, an unnamed spokesperson for the North Pole stated that the streamlining of gift selections to modern weaponry has simplified inventory management: "Can you imagine how difficult it is to manage an inventory of over a hundred million different dolls, toy trucks, bicycles, video games and adult, er, toys? The elves were going crazy using the old system.  By simplifying our inventory management to handguns and various rifles, Santa now how more time for cookies and milk at each stop. Though, we have to admit, that reindeer turnover has increased as a consequence of.., er, shall we say over enthusiastic gift recipients... By the way, have you tried our NEW product:

Santa's All Natural Venison©?

[CAUTION: May Contain Lead]

An added bonus of giving weaponry to Americas youth is its "educational value". Schools can be brought into the GQP fold by using guns as an educational tool, "Every American should know how to field strip and clean a semi-automatic weapon!" stated former Lieutenant General Michael Flynn. "If the patriots of January 6 had received a PROPER education, Donald Trump would still be President.  We MUST be prepared for the NEXT opportunity to RIGHT this country!"

BUT not everyone seems happy with CHRISTMAS 2.0. One frightened evangelical Christian, who requested to remain anonymous in order to avoid being shunned by their fellow evangelicals, asked "WHAT ABOUT JESUS! I thought he was the reason for the season!? Jesus is suppose to be the 'Prince of Peace' and to teach us to love our fellow humans.  How can this ammo-centric 'CHRISTMAS 2.0' be reconciled with the teachings of Jesus?"

When asked to respond to this obviously abstract, and theologically obscure question, GQP Representative and co-Inventor of CHRISTMAS 2.0, Paul Gosar screamed, "Damn liber-tards and their war on Christmas, it never ends! Santa, I need more ammo!" However, when posed the same question, the intellectually gifted sage of Georgia, Representative Marjorie Taylor-Green told the WHN that CHRISTMAS 2.0 is NOT at odds with the teaching of Jesus: "Liberal elitists have distorted the bible wrong for millennia.  Jesus was NOT a peacemaker... I mean he kicked the butts of those money changers in the temple didn't he.  In fact, we have evidence that LIBERALS actually distorted the original teaching of Jesus from 'Jesus is a 45 caliber PEACEMAKER - a prince of a gun' into Jesus is the 'Prince of Peace'.  CHRISTMAS 2.0 reflects the TRUE nature of Christ... GOD knows we need MORE guns to defeat George Soros's space lasers... Christmas is really about the Second Amendment!"

*These organizations were formerly funded by the U.S. C.I.A.. However, funding was stopped in 2020 when these organizations cited the loss of democracy in the U.S. due to actions of the Trump Administrations.

REAL NEWS 2: GQP Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-TX), a speaker at the Turning Point USA’s AmericaFest in Phoenix (December 18-19, 2021) was captured on video answering the question of “Are we getting towards 'Second Amendment' solutions at some point?” he responded “Yeah” [i.e., open armed rebellion against our democratically elected government]. Gohmert has been one of the most vocal supporters of Donald Trump’s ‘BIG LIE’ and, according to a published reports, he and other GQP members of Congress allegedly met with organizers ahead of the January 6th Capital Attack. At the same AmericaFest meeting, former Trump administration official and Newsmax personality Seb Gorka spoke told attendees.“The Second Amendment is the final guarantee of your freedom. Period... ... and people ask me, ‘So when’s the civil war gonna start? When’s it gonna start?'”

"Look, it's fresh Venison!"

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