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Satire Since 1993

Woodstock Remembered

Ned Ander-Thal

Editor • Publisher

World Headline News

My favorite memory of Woodstock was the abundance of Boones Farms®, Ripple® and Annie Green Springs® Apple Wine - perhaps the finest wines ever created by humankind.  I was devastated when, due to the 'supposedly' superior taste of the damn French, Italian, then Spanish - and GASP! Canadian - wines they disappeared from the shelves.  When Donald Trump makes America Great Again®, it better be with Ripple.  I still drive the VW van - chicks find it groovy and far-out.

William Henry Smyth III

a.k.a Ripple

Very bitter, retired, Sommelier

The Iggies - Almost Rock Legends  

We unofficially played Woodstock on the unofficial Day 4 at an unofficial stage set up by our converted school bus.  We handed out some joints and played our hearts out to tens to hundreds of stoned people who grooved to our signature song "Free Love, Free Dope and Kill Dick Nixon".  Using our Woodstock 'creds' we had some BIG gigs at major state fairs like Arkansas in the 1970s but, despite our best efforts, never made the transition to disco.  

Today, retro is in and we came back together as a glam band called 'The Biggies'.  Most of us work part time at Wendy's and McDonalds; except for Ernie "Studster" Macowitz who is a big time star in the porn industry.  But hey, music, cholesterol and maybe STDs are in our blood.

County Fairs are our 'bread and butter', or maybe we should say 'our deep-fried Twinkies'.  We hope to hit the big time again and are in negotiations with Arkansas and are hoping to headline the first Tuesday of the 2017 State Fair.  Wish us luck... I mean we are walking heart attacks waiting to happen...  

Bud, Sam, Kurt, Peter and "Studster"

I was never really a 'Hippie' but I started my multi-Billion dollar corporation selling macrame and leather purses at Woodstock.  I discovered early on that you can sell anything, AND charge outrageous prices to stoners and drunks.  Using what I learned at Woodstock, I opened up clothing kiosks selling expensive, but god-awful cheap, clothing and accessories (manufactured for next to nothing by child labor in third world countries) outside of bars and AA meetings.  But my real stroke of Genius was Hemp Clothing - not the crap that a lot of people make today, but real marijuana cloth that people could smoke.  Buy a shirt, wear it then smoke it and then buy another shirt.  This cigar I'm smoking, my underwear from yesterday....

These inexpensive fortified wine that were popular in the US in the 1960's and 1970s. Due to their low prices and sweet tastes, they had a reputation as a drink for alcoholics and the destitute.  It was popular among young drinkers, especially underage and college age students.

Woodstock showed me the decadence of the baby-boomer generation and the value of family.  In fact, I meet my first wife Cyn-Dee 'Baby-Girl' Smith there.  Sure there was an age difference, but it was the 60's and love ruled all.  After my Woodstock epiphany, I became a Family-Value Republican and ran for the state legislature representing my Appalachian home town - a place where my somewhat young-ish wife didn't raise eyebrows - not that too many people have eyebrows due to inbreeding.  I'm now a US Senator from the State.  I've recently married again to a wonderful young women whom I've known since she was 3 -  my daughter was her babysitter.   I am the state organizer for Donald J. Trump for President and hope to be appointed to the US Supreme Court based on my conservative 'Family Values' agenda.

Hugh H. Bovine

US Senator (Republican)

Dude, I was like a bookworm, straight A, boring nerd.  Went to Woodstock by mistake - thought I was going to Band Camp.  But BAM! Drank some 'Groovy Juice' and BAM! Life! I dropped out... I mean who needs more than an 8th grade education.  Followed the Grateful Dead for almost 4 decades, dropped lots of acid.  I'll tell you, Woodstock was the BEST THING that ever happened.  I mean my brother Ned, he's a slave to his WHN Publishing Empire. Sure, he might know where his next meal is coming from, he might know where he's going to sleep, he might even have a car....  But I'm FREE.  Ok, so I go to the Free Clinic, get my free meals at the Homeless Mission, but I can go where I want when I want (provided the Transit Police aren't around).

Ted Ander-Thal

Free Spirit and Recovering (oops) Drug Addict

I've not seen Ted since 1969 when he left for band camp in upstate New York.  I think he went to the wrong 'band camp'.

I've heard stories about Ted's life since then and must say I'm envious.....he's so free...   I mean, publishing is a cut throat business. I'm always in court fighting libel suits, dealing with deadlines, staff issues  ...I mean he is so free...

Ned Ander-Thal

August 12, 2016

Peggy-Sue Goldsmith

Billionaire Entrepreneur

Exclusive to the World Headline News

Exclusive WHN Report:

The Woodstock music festival attracted more than 400,000 people.  Originally scheduled for three days on a dairy farm in New York state from August 15 to 17, 1969, it actually lasted four days to August 18, 1969.  It was truly the "HIGH" point of the Baby-Boomer Generation.

Billed as "An Aquarian Exposition: 3 Days of Peace & Music", it was held at Max Yasgur's 600-acre (240 ha; 0.94 sq mi) dairy farm in the Catskills near the hamlet of White Lake in the town of Bethel, New York.  Bethel, in Sullivan County, is 43 miles (69 km) southwest of the town of Woodstock, New York, in adjoining Ulster County.  So Woodstock was not in Woodstock.... but hey everyone was on acid so no one really cared.

During the sometimes rainy weekend, 32 acts performed outdoors. It is widely regarded as a pivotal moment in popular music history, as well as the definitive nexus for the larger counterculture generation.

Then & Now  


August 15 to 18, 1969

August 15, 2016   •   Issue 80