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WHN (Surrey) January 23, 2014.  While Canadian outrage at the rabid, unethical, American Press attacks on our national treasure known as Justin Bieber is rapidly mounting, the average Canadian feels helpless in their ability to fight back against our nuclear neighbor to the south (apparently located somewhere below Toronto - who knew...).  However, one MAN is NOT intimidated by this outrage – Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.   

Crack sources (code names: “Hardball”,  “Monster “ and “Nose”,) within the Ford Administration, have all informed upon Mayor Ford to the WHN saying that the Mayor “Just snorts and then laughs off the libelous reports from mainstream American media on himself, but is incensed by their attack on the Bieber”.  Crack WHN Reporter Ned Ander-Thal, covering the Ford Administration, secretly followed the Mayor to a run down house in Mississauga where Ford reportedly met with the Biebs, Lil Za and Molly.  In a photo exclusive, the WHN captured the secret meeting.  The meeting only occurred after Mr. Bieb’s complementary, though unanticipated, vacation extension, courtesy of the State of Florida, [Home of the Hanging Chad; see story -last PRINT Edition] was over.

WHN Exclusive:  Rob Ford meets Justin in clandestine meeting in Mississauga.  Crack PR approach to be revealed soon.

Mr. Ford, is a true ‘Belieber’ as he has known “the boy” from Justin’s days singing on the streets of Toronto - usually around the nondescript ‘drug dispensaries’ frequented by Mr. Ford.   Bieber’s Public Relations Staff state that Mayor Ford is offering crack crisis management advice to the Biebs.  Among the advice offered by Mayor Ford is for Bieber to rally the Canadian Government to his cause by claiming that “The anti-Canadian American Press is out to destroy him because of his un-American talent”.  Furthermore, Mayor Ford has encouraged Mr. Bieber to try to explain to culturally insensitive Americans that Canadian Holiday Eggnog tradition is different than in the USA.  As per Mayor Ford, “Mr. Bieber is from a culturally diverse country and was simply being Canadian by trying to be culturally sensitive.  Most Americans are unaware that Canadian eggnog is typically gifted via airmail using Canadian Geese.  However due to a shortage of Canadian Geese in Los Angeles, Mr. Bieber, trying to be a good neighbor, improvised and, simulating a goose, simply tossed his neighbor a few eggs by which the neighbor could make either eggnog or, if of a different culture, an omelet.”  With more damage-control advice expected from Mayor Ford in the near future, the Mayor has retreated to an ‘inspiration house’ in Mississauga to formulate more crack ideas by which to protect the Biebs.  

UPDATE: Mayor Ford’s Mother states that her son is not in Mississauga but is at a religious retreat praying with other Beliebers.  

UPDATE 2: Mayor Ford and Bieber Secret Meeting #2?  The Bieb has re-entered Canada!   With a FULL POLICE escort, the Biebs visited downtown Toronto with an extended visit to the Police Station – possibly meeting with the Mayor in a secluded holding cell?  

UPDATE 3: The Biebs has left Toronto and launched his invasion of the USA.  While American Custom Agents worriedly tried to prevent this stealthy invasion, the Biebs, using Rob Ford’s advice, was able to ‘smoke’ their efforts and is now on American soil (again, this mythical land is apparently located somewhere south of Toronto) where he will persist in his fight against sobriety… err … vicious anti-Canadian attacks.

USA: Anti-Canadian?

Mayor Rob Ford Rushes to Justin Bieber’s Defense in

L.A. Egg-Gate Scandal  

Canadians Must Unite Against American Aggression

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January 23, 2014   •   Issue 67