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Satire Since 1993

May 12, 2022   •   Issue 166

Almost Washington State (WHN) May 12, 2022. Led by Justices appointed by former President Donald Trump, the established law of the land since 1973 regarding a woman's right to abortion appears to have been overturned.  In a leaked draft opinion written by Associate Justice Samuel A. Alito, Roe v. Wade, which in a landmark 1973 ruling established a woman's right to obtain an abortion, was found to be a flawed decision.  Per Justice Alito, while the legal right to abortion was established in 1973, the actual LEGAL precedent that should have been used to determine Roe v. Wade dates to at least the 1650s. A visibly angry Alito blasted the 1973 court: "Those damn hippie judges were stoned on pot and dropping acid when they ruled on Roe v. Wade. Hell, just look at that photo of Justice Blackmun - the guy was into free love, that's why he legalized abortions! Fortunately for America, 6 of this court's Justices only drinks beer, drop Viagra®, or believe that the Handmaids Tales is the way a woman's life should be. But those other 3 justices, look at them... 6-6-6... those are some 'devilish' liberal justices."

One southern Republican Senator stated off the record: "Once finalized, women will simply become 'birthing units' that the state can control.  Now if we could only get back to the 3/5 person rule for certain voting populations we'd have the perfect Republic." Senator Susan Collins, one of the few 'Pro-Choice' Republicans stated, "This is a lesson for all Americans.... I'm just not sure what that lesson is... but I'm sure that President Trump has learned his lesson."  Former President Trump was indeed clear on the lesson learned, "I used to be strongly in favor of abortion and I wasn't President. I then became anti-choice and I became President. Hence, America does not want a choice, which is why I orchestrated January 6 - Choice, or voting as some people call it, is vastly over-rated."

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Shumer stated: "Oh $%#@!!!!!  Well, on the other hand, the same Court did say Americans could buy guns, lots and lots of guns.... so I guess that Republicans will simply abort people later rather than sooner.".

'Radical' 1973 Abortion

Ruling  To Be Overturned

Alito: "Stoned 1970s Hippie Justices Got It Wrong"


Ander-Thal v. Ander-Thal

WHN EXCLUSIVE: OFFICIAL U.S. SUPREME COURT OPINION: Ander-Thal v. Ander-Thal. Note to readers: the above is taken from a 1950s university level Home Economic textbook.  Soon (?) to be republished for use in Florida and Texas in 2023..... © 2022 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Mrs. Ned Ander-Thal relaxes at home post ruling: "This beats the bonfire.... which is good because, gosh darn it, Ned doesn't like marshmallows.". © 2022 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Sir Matthew Hale (1609-1676), author of "History of the Pleas of the Crown"; a compendium of English Common Law is being hailed as a Legal Genius of the 21st Century!

In 2022, Sir, er, Justice Samuel Alito cited Sir Hale's teachings to overturn 1973's Roe v. Wade ruling. Mr. Hale's treatises, codified 17th Century Common Law and his own judicial rulings. Sir Hale also favored "burning of female witches" and support for a males right of "marital rape".

Fortunately for 2022 women, the standards of 17th and 21st century society are virtually identical. Obviously, this ruling will lead to de-evolution of our thinking regarding slavery, inter-racial marriage, gay rights, evolution, and a myriad of other progressive (hence, destructive) changes in society.

"If it was good enough for 1650, it's good enough for 2022!"

paraphrased from: Samuel A. Alito

Associate Justice, U.S. Supreme Court

Inherent in the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment is a fundamental “right to privacy” that protects a pregnant woman’s choice whether to have an abortion. However, this right is balanced against the government’s interests in protecting women's health and protecting “the potentiality of human life.” The Texas law challenged in this case violated this right.

In the first trimester of pregnancy, the state may not regulate the abortion decision; only the pregnant woman and her attending physician can make that decision. In the second trimester, the state may impose regulations on abortion that are reasonably related to maternal health. In the third trimester, once the fetus reaches the point of “viability,” a state may regulate abortions or prohibit them entirely, so long as the laws contain exceptions for cases when abortion is necessary to save the life or health of the mother.


Almost Washington State (WHN) May 12, 2022. While much of the public reaction in the U.S., and much of the world, has been the leaked U.S. Supreme Court Opinion on Roe v. Wade, other contentious draft rulings were also released.  One of particular interest is 'Ander-Thal v. Ander-Thal' in which an aggrieved female spouse sued her husband for cruel and unusual domestic chores.

In it's ruling, the U.S. Supreme court (Majority Opinion by Amy Coney Barrett) ruled that a female person has a legal obligation "TO BE A GOOD WIFE".  

In an unusually detailed ruling, Justice Coney Barrett delineated the duties of the FEMALE spouse.  The MALE spouse was found to have NO marital duties and is free " do what men do...".

When asked by the WHN about the courts ruling, a contrite MRS. Ned Ander-Thal stated: "I'd like to thank the Court for clarifying my spousal duties.  Before this ruling, I had been indoctrinated by the radical left into thinking that women actually had rights.".  Meanwhile, a clearly jubilant MR. Ned Ander-Thal was observed running through the streets bellowing: "Property is Property. Thank GOD that the Justices of 2022 have NOT evolved from the wisdom preached by Sir Matthew Hale in1650.  If my property, er wife, don't follow these learned laws, she be a witch!  And if she be a witch, you'all can come to the bonfire and be sure to bring your own marshmallows.... and your wives... 'cause somebody has gotta clean up the empty beer cans and dirty dishes!"


Sir Matthew Hale


"The inescapable conclusion is that a right to abortion is not deeply rooted in the Nation's history and traditions. On the contrary, an unbroken tradition of prohibiting abortion on the pain of criminal punishment persisted from the earliest days of the common law until 1973."

Justice Samuel Alito 2022

An optimist says we live in the best of all worlds,

while the pessimist fears this to be true...

Actual Quote

Ruling to Codify 'Wifely Duties and Obligations'


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"Hey Tucker, my eyes are up here!"

Roe-ing Against The Tide of History

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