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Satire Since 1993

America's Pest President

Exclusive to the World Headline News

Exclusive WHN Report:

March 13, 2017

Per Dr. Ander-Thal's exclusive WHN Report:  “I can confirm that the President is indeed a Pest!  Russian hackers are no longer the major concern of loyal Americans, these fears have been superseded by “Biological Hackers”.  These “BioHackers' are disgruntled former NIH-funded scientists working in support of the shadow government of a Mr. Barack Obama.  Evidence supports the contention that during the election, these BioHackers started the 'bugging' of Mr. Trump.  However, in contrast to Mr. Trump's contention, this did not start in New York, but rather Florida where Mr. Trump's larval development could proceed more naturally in the swamps surrounding Mar-a-Lago.  Using photographs obtained during the course of the 2016 Election, it appears that the BioHackers initial “egging” of Mr. Trump occurred in February 2016 during the South Carolina Primary which was won by Mr. Trump.  The larval stage appears to have been completed around election day (November 8) followed by a relatively quiet pupal stage that ended January 20, 2017.  What we see today is the full-fledged Adult.  While many may doubt my investigation, our indisputable photographic evidence should convince all but the most vile, or visually challenged, Americans.”

Ms. Kellyanne Conway, speaking on behalf of Mr. Trump states:  “There is NO need for Americans to panic, while Mr. Trump has clearly been bugged, nothing was found that should be of concern.  As all Americans know, it is only the female of the species that is blood sucking…. as evidenced by Ms. Clinton…… and maybe me…. Oh, and definitely Ann Coulter.  The male pest is a gentle, nectar imbibing, creature that is of no threat to humanity. Indeed, these terms describe Mr. Trump to a, pardon the pun, T!  He is clearly the PEST President ever!”  

Based on his findings, Dr. Ander-Thal is not fully convinced by the charming Ms. Conway's claims.  “Our investigation revealed that the “BioHackers” may have inadvertently left some of Mr. Trump's original genome intact including the solitary human male X chromosome.  When the human female X chromosome was melded with the PEST genome,  female characteristics may have been inadvertently retained in Il Trumpe.  This may be seen in both his small hand, first noted by Mr. Marco Rubio during the Florida primary - a sign, I think, of his larval metamorphosis, as well as his increasing blood thirstiness.  Currently this blood lust is being feed by a diet high in M&Ms (Mexicans and Muslims), but some members of the entomological community, including myself, fear that this will be insufficient to feed “The Pest President of America”.  

Because of these threats to Americans, well at least to Democrats, Mexicans and Muslims, leading political figures have called for the mobilization of the SWAT (special weapons and tactics) forces along the eastern seaboard (dubbed “Operation Fly Swatter”).  Senator Charles Schumer of New York states, “Imaging what will happen in Mar-a-Lago during mosquito breeding season.  If we don't eliminate the threat now, America will be bled dry by his blood thirsty offspring….. actually I hear that may already be happening because Donald Jr. and Eric have returned from opening Trump Tower in Vancouver Canada and are buzzing around Florida as we speak.  I don't even want to think about Zika... this is a man who has already had children by three different wives and had countless other "affairs".”  President Enrique Pena Nieto is reportedly considering building a Trump-proof mosquito net barrier along his northern border to prevent the Il Trumpe invasion of Mexico.

Surrey, BC (WHN) Despite ridicule by the “Main Street Media”, intrepid WHN Reporter, and world renowned entomologist, Dr. Ned Ander-Thal has conducted an in-depth investigation into the recent earth shattering “bugging” claims made by Trump White House's against the former occupant Barack Obama.  SHOCKINGLY, 'bugmeister' Ander-Thal's investigation has supported Mr. Trump's claims.  

However, many southern Republicans in the threat area remain unconcerned .  This lack of concern may arise from the fact that their normal attire provides them with significant protection against pests of all kinds (see photo).  Note how the head gear protects against the bite of the Pest President but allows him to whisper sweet nothings into the voters ear.

Photo Credit: Steve Bannon.  Shown is Mr. Jefferson Beauregard "Jeff" Sessions, U.S. Attorney General, in his weekend attire.  Mr. Trump enjoyed a 'good-ol-boy southern M&M BBQ' that evening.  Taken on the grounds of the Mar-a-Lago estate of the Pest President.

Photo Credit: Ned Ander-Thal.  Taken on the grounds of the Mar-a-Lago estate of the Pest President.

"I'm America's

Pest President!"

Post-Presidential Career Opportunity?  Several national and international blood providers are in negotiation with Mr. Trump with post-presidential job offers.  According to one unnamed source associated with an undisclosed Canadian blood provider, "Mr. Trump could single handedly solve our donation issues.  He could, in one feeding session, provide enough blood for all of Canada (except Quebec) should we be successful in recruiting him to our service.  It is important to note that the Trumps have a history in Canada (see story)."


"Obama BUGGED ME!"

He Is America's

Pest President!

March 13, 2018   •   Issue 90