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Satire Since 1993

TRUMP: Military Genius?

DONALD TRUMP Commander-in-Chief

Napoleon was Dumb, I'm Smart!

45th President-to-Be Plans for 2017!

August 1, 2016

Surrey (WHN)  Mr. Donald J. Trump, Republican Nominee for President of the United States of America, created a storm of controversy as he invited Mr. Putin and the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service (FSB; successor to the KGB) to hack into US Government, Democratic Party and Clinton Campaign servers in order to with the disclose the contents of the Democratic Nominee's email.    Predictably, per Mr. Trump, corrupt Democratic strategists and disloyal Republican 'apologists' (Lindsey Graham, Paul Ryan and John McCain) have condemned his valiant calls for TRUTH.   However, in light of this controversy, WHN Military Affairs Editor, retired 12-star General Ned Ander-Thal, met with Mr. Trump in a one-on-one Q&A session held in the unfinished subterranean garage of the Trump Tower® Vancouver to clarify the Candidate's military and national security credentials.

Dressed in his newly tailored Seville Row Commander-In- Chief uniform (see photo), future President Trump opened up and discussed his extensive military background, operational expertise and foreign affair goals for his first year in office.

Gen. Ander-Thal:  Tell our readers about your military background.  Are you prepared to be Commander and Chief?

Mr. Trump:  I went to the New York Military Academy - that's harder than any military boot camp or battleground.  I always felt like I was in the military. (I got) more training militarily than a lot of the guys that go into the military.  Yes, I did receive 5 draft deferments, but what about that crooked lyin' Hillary, she used the GENDER CARD to avoid the Vietnam draft.  And think about it, I mean if Hillary can't satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America.  

DISCLAIMER:   Unfortunately, the majority of Mr. Trump's quotes are verbatim.... with just a tiny bit of filler from the WHN.

"I will return USA-Russian relations

to their Glory Days!"

Order Your Disco Ball Now!

There's nobody bigger or better at the military than I am. I am probably the greatest military mind the world has ever known.  I know war and peace - it's Russian right?.  I know 'The Longest Day” – I've watch it probably a hundred times on Trump Air, at the Trump Taj Mahal, and the Trump Towers in Las Vegas and New York City. You know, I've read John McCain's book… You know of course that he's not a war hero.  People only say he was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured.

Gen. Ander-Thal:  As President, how would you deal with ISIS?

Mr. Trump:  Only I can fix it. I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me... I would bomb the sh*t out of them.  I'd also consider the nuclear option because there are no real people in that part of the world…only Muslims and they are all our enemies.  Some of 'them' even join our military, and the Democratic party,  and then die just to fool us and lull us into complacency.  For example, Mr. Khan, who does not know me, viciously attacked me from the stage of the DNC and is now all over T.V. doing the same - Nice!  He needs to apologize to me because I've suffered.

Gen. Ander-Thal:  Just the other day you created controversy when you publicly invited/encouraged Mr. Putin and the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service (FSB; successor to the KGB), to attack US Government and Democratic Servers.  How can you justify this intrusion into both the function of the government and our electoral process.  

Mr. Trump:  You know Ned, that's been blown out of proportion. Predictably, corrupt Democratic strategists and disloyal Republican 'apologists', like failed old guard Republicans Lindsey Graham, Paul Ryan and John McCain have condemned me.  But they're losers … 'L-O-O-S-E-R-S' … nothing but servile donkeys' to lyin' crooked Hillary.  Russia is not our enemy, in fact they will be great friends to the media once they disclose crooked Hillary's email to the press.

Gen. Ander-Thal:  You've brought up Russia.  What will a Trump Administration's approach to Russia be?

Mr. Trump: As I've said, Russia is not our enemy. I know who our friends are, 'Hey Vladimir', and I know who our enemies are – I'm looking at you Mexico and you Lithuania. But I'm smart and I like Putin.  I got to know him very well because we were both on 60 Minutes, we were stablemates. We did well that night.

Putin has no respect for our President whatsoever. He's got a tremendous popularity in Russia, they love what he's doing, they love what he represents.  I was over in Moscow two years ago and I will tell you – you can get along with those people and get along with them well. I can make deals with those people. Obama can't.  Hillary can't.  

I like Russia, because I'm not dumb like Napoleon.  I mean Napoleon froze his ass off in Russia because he was dumb and French.  Because I know Russia, I won't make the dumb mistake that Napoleon did.  I'm no Napoleon.  I won't invade Russia.  Instead I'll ask Russia to invade the USA – just like they did in Ukraine – especially if Hillary wins.  In fact, Putin and I have already talked about things and once elected, or placed in power by Putin, I'm going to rename MY country to TRUMP Amerika®.  I like the name, it reminds me of Ivanka….  You know, Slavic women are beautiful, I've been married to a couple of them, and fathered Ivanka, and Vladimir say there are a lot more of them in future parts of Russia… so I think I'll be doing some détente.

Gen. Ander-Thal:  Despite your claims that Russia is our friend, how do you explain Russia expansionist moves in the Ukraine and in the Caucasus region - for example Georgia. What policy/military operations do you foresee in 2017?

Mr. Trump: As I said.  Russia is not our enemy.   Russia has never invaded Ukraine…

Gen. Ander-Thal:  What!  What about Crimea?  What about the ongoing 'civil war' in Eastern Ukraine.

Mr. Trump:  Cry me a?  Is that a Song? …..Oh, Crimea.  Russia never invaded.  The tanks belonged to local Neighborhood Watch Groups who were very, very angry about taxation without representation – think of it as the 'Boston Tea Party' but with Vodka – they were not represented in Moscow so Moscow let them become represented.   As to Eastern Ukraine, again, neighborhood watch groups...  Fortunately the Ukrainian National Rifle Association (NRA) has strongly protected the Second Amendment rights of Ukrainian Citizens to own tanks so that good ordinary people could protect themselves from bullying by Clinton supported cronies.  Vladimir explained all this to me during our 60 Minutes shoot and says he can give me Hillary's emails to prove it.

As to Georgia, well Jimmy Carter was their Governor at one point so that's why they're screwed up - only Putin or I can fix it.

I think in 2017, I'll focus on redecorating the TRUMP HOUSE – D.C.© and let Putin redecorate Eastern Europe.  I had a really great time in the 60's, 70's and 80's and I think that Putin and I can bring back that era of relations between the TRUMP Amerika® and the USSR, er, Russia.  In fact, I'm ordering my Disco Ball now!

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August 1, 2016   •   Issue 78