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Satire Since 1993

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World Headline News

October 5, 2019   •   Issue 121

A visibly angry Mr. Trump responded to Alexa's claims that the Ukraine call, despite evidence to the contrary in the released transcript, was "The most perfect call ever!" To support this contention, the White House released the 'photo transcript' (right) of a small portion of recent visit between Mr. Trump and Mr. Putin occurring in May, 2019.  Per Mr. Trump, "This is simply how perfect friends talk!  Clearly Pelosi and Schiff don't have friends.  Me, I'm a compassionate man and love to help my fellow dictators, er, man."

President Trump also took the opportunity to condemned the recent uptick in un-American (i.e., anti-Trump) activities by the treasonous House of Representatives and the even more un-American Democratic contenders for the Presidency.  "I'll get you my pretties, we'll see HOW DO YOU LIKE MY TANKS AND PLANES!  Great aren't they!  You Munchkins wont have a chance.  I plan to have a tank on every street corner in OZ, er, America by November 2020! Can you believe it, there are people who actually want to replace me - how can they even think that?"

WHN WITCH HUNT EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump and his loyal minion Attorney General William Barr look into the future using secret technology. © 2019 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Almost Washington State (WHN) October 5, 2019. In a White House press release, Mr. Trump claimed the title of "America's BIGGEST Environmentalist" stating, "I LOVE the environment, in fact nobody loves the environment more than I do!  That 16 year old Greta Thunberg 'girl' has done anything to the environment while nobody has done more to it than I have.  Did you know that coal comes from the environment?  Not many people do....  I have ended the war on beautiful, clean, coal so that means I have ended the war on the environment.  Greta is a 'coal' blooded killer... clearly not a nice girl."



"IF you disagree with me, that means you are a TRAITOR...

...and I know what we should do to you... bang, bang ...

WHN EXCLUSIVE: On a clear day you can see forever, er, 10-12 feet.  Mr. Trump touts the effects of his Administration's environmental protection policies. "I LOVE crisp clear days like today, look at all that beautiful clean, coal in the air!  Can somebody tell me if it's daytime or nighttime?"  © 2019 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

WHN political Reporter Ned Ander-Thal suggests that the demands for the investigation of Mr. Obama arose from the fact that the former President's book signing and NETFLIX deals were several times larger than what Mr. Trump has ever received.  Moreover, according to Mr. Ander-Thal, "The demands on the DOJ and F.B.I. seem to mirror those most perfect phone calls placed to the leaders of the Ukraine, Australia, England and other countries. Mr. Trump seems to display a 'pattern of activity' that is in clear violation of US Laws and is an abuse of Presidential power."  Mr. Trump vehemently disagreed with Mr. Ander-Thal and has issued an "arrest on sight" order to the Trump MAGA brownshirts.

TRUMP Demands Department of Justice and F.B.I Investigate


Deal With Obama

"Greatest Witch Hunt In American History!"

Trump 'Clears' The Air?

Witch Hunt? Trump Clears The Air

What Were THE REAL FINDINGS Of 'The Mueller Report'

COLLUSION: Russia interfered in the 2016 election to the benefit of Mr. Trump.  However, the investigation could not reach a definitive finding of 'collusion'; mostly because of the 'incompetence' of the individuals within the Trump campaign.

OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE: The Mueller Report found 10 CLEAR INSTANCES OF PROBABLE OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.  However, due to a (clearly self-serving) Nixon Era Department of Justice opinion (not law), Mr. Mueller did not feel he had the authority to indict a sitting President.  However, he did clearly state that these instance of PROBABLE obstruction could be pursued by the House of Representatives or could be re-visited once Mr. Trump was out of office at which time he could then be indicted for these probable crimes.

Almost Washington State (WHN) October 5, 2019.  Decades ago, President Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." Following the reports of an unknown patriot's whistleblower complaint, the United States House of Representatives has overcome the disappointment of the Mueller Report [see actual findings in below box] to once again examine the, shall we say, unorthodox behavior of Dictator, er, President, Donald Trump.

In related news, Mr. Trump has announced plans to revoke the EPA waiver held by California since 1970 to establish tail pipe emission standards for cars sold in California.  The waiver, in essence, due to California's market size, establishes the US emission standards for car manufacturers.  The California emissions waiver has been highly instrumental in successfully improving air quality in California and in addressing the infamous 'Los Angeles Brown Cloud' from the 1960s.

In related, related news, Mr. Trump and EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler informed California that it was considering withholding billions of dollars in Federal Highway Funds to California due to "chronic air quality problems" and violations of the Federal Clean Air Act. Per Mr. Trump, "I won't 'waiver' when I say that I can guarantee that in 10 more years, California air will be even dirtier.  They should use beautiful, coal powered, cars to clean their air.  I know this because I am the BIGGEST environmentalist."


"He's getting more money than I did - UNFAIR!"

In a shocking account arising from the intelligence community, to which Mr. Trump clearly does not belong..., evidence suggests that Mr. Trump was asking for Ukraines assistance in smearing Joe Biden, a potential Democratic opponent in 2020.  Huddling with Attorney General William Barr, Mr. Trump is focusing on how to impede, er, address the House impeachment inquiry.  WHN White House correspondent Ned Ander-Thal was given unprecedented access to the 'Situation Room' as Mr. Barr and Mr. Trump delved into the magic of modern soothsaying.  Using a DOJ updated version of Amazon Alexa, Mr. Trump initiated the computer model by saying, "Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble. Tell me what the Democrats will get..."  To which Alexa answered, "They'll get you my pretty, and your little dog Bill, too.  Rudy slippers will help you naught, Leavenworth Kansas is your next Federal stop...”

Almost Washington State (WHN) October 5, 2019. In a bizarre tweet, President Trump has exhorted the Department of Justice, F.B.I. and House Judiciary Committee to investigate former President Barack Obama's recently signed, mega-dollar, book and NETFLIX deals as well as "all the deals made by the Dems in Congress".  Mr. Trump did so despite no indications that any violation of any law had occurred.  The suggested targets, who happen to be his political adversaries, have responded with incredulity and the common question of "What has he been smoking?"

REAL FACT: One of the enduring phenomena of the Trump era will be the list of statutes that have given far too much power to the President. Previous Congresses didn't had not  worried about this — assuming there'd be political safeguards.

Today's Entrant: The 1977 International Emergency Economic Powers Act. Trump claims that he has virtually unlimited power and the ABSOLUTE RIGHT to unilaterally order US companies out of China under this 1977 law.