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Satire Since 1993

INDICTED but still SEXY?

WHN EXCLUSIVE: "They've 'INDICATED' me!" an angry Donald Trump 'truthed' to the world on Truth Social and at the WHN camera present at the Presidential Booking Suite at New York City's Hall of Justice. Mr. Trump learned of his indictment via the morning print edition of the World Headline News which is provided free to the 'guests' of the New York justice system. He had been enticed to the courthouse with a coupon offering a Original Recipie KFC Bucket Dinner pack. © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

INDICTED - Who Can Replace TRUMP?

"The GQP has only ONE Real Choice"


Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, 2023. Trump's current attorneys have failed the former President once again in Court as the Manhatten District Attorney has indicted the former 1 term, twice impeached, serial Grand Jury, President on 34 counts of fraud. Rumors are that bail will be set at $130,000 and that Mr. Trump is trying to get his former lawyer Michael Cohen to front the money: "Hey, he owes me for screwing me... oh, wait, that was Stormy... she should have paid me, because many women say that I am the best. But maybe she can front me the $130K I gave her... and then maybe 'read' me something from the 'back end' of Forbes magazine."

Sources close to the former President stated that upon hearing of his indictment, the (alleged) crime boss whined: "Hey, dey got nuttin' on me.  All dem stool pigeons is lying and de iz is nows being measured for cement overshoes even as I speak. Eric haz got a few of da company goons to heist a cement truck and Don Jr., well he'z too busy doing blow to help. And don't even mention Ivanka. My wimpy daughter ain't helping because, whine, 'it's a felony and I don't want to go to jail'. So, SHE wants ME to go to jail? Talk about ungrateful kids... Anyways, I'll beat the wrap.. even if I haz to bribe a supreme court judge or juror or probably both. Worst case, I call in my January 6 shock troops to prevent da jurors votes from being counted. I has heard dat Mike Pence is gonna be da jury foreman. HANG MIKE PENCE!"

April 1, 2023   •   Issue 173

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Official Portrait of the NEW Emir of South Surrey as appointed and approved of by the Universal Bastard Cartel (UBC) Senate. The Royal Bastard of Albania was highly honored by the new Royal Title and pledged to not dishonor the tile for at least 48 hours upon hearing of its award. He failed in this pledge.

© 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Exclusive to the

World Headline News

The Royal Bastard of Albania

Named as the NEW

Emir(itus) of South Surrey

"AMERICA, it was the perfect BRIBE... that I had no role in..."

The current New York case continues the string of losses the former resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has suffered in the courts. While some legal observers have cited the falsity, idiocy, and in some cases, outright illegality, of Mr. Trumps claims to the courts, Mr. Trump himself blames the Courts. "It's a rigged system... I've hired the BEST lawyers, Cohen, Giuliani, Sidney Powell, da blond wit da big... er, big, LAW books, and da others, but da courts, dey either disbar dem, or the damn lawyers quit... just because I don't pay dem in cash... but I do give-'em top secret documents dat are worth more than cash if dey would just pick up the phone and place PERFECT phone call to Putin, Xi or Kim like I do."  Mr. Trump has announced that following his booking, he will, as is common, go on a nationwide BOOK(ing) TOUR to grift, er, raise money for his 2024 Presidential Campaign .... and to potentially payoff a few more sexy skeletons in his closet, but not his lawyers because they should just be honored to be in the same compound, and perhaps cell, as him.

To address his recurring 'Lawyer Problem', Mr. Trump, who also serves as Dean of the prestiges Trump University Law School, is fast-tracking the graduation of Kid Rock, Roseanne Barr, Ted Nugent, and Gary Busey. It is anticipated that these new lawyers will lead his defense for the coming indictments from Georgia and the DOJ Special Counsel.

But the current legal peril of Mr. Trump could leave the GQP rudderless.

WHO is qualified to replace "The Don"?

Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, 2023. Citing the need for new, fresh ideas, and youth, the GQP caucus of the Republican party has coalesced their support behind the distinguished Representative from New York  3rd Congressional District George Anthony Devolder Santos.  According to the announcement, Mr. Santos "brings a wealth of experience, both foreign and domestic, to the political arena".  House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, citing Mr. Santos's resume stated, "I have NEVER seen a more qualified candidate.  While he has previously served as President of Brazil, I have checked with Supreme Court Clarence Thomas who assures me that this should pose no problem to him serving as our 47th President."

Per Marjorie Taylor Greene, "His previous experience as Pope should help counter the risks that George Soros's space lasers pose to us Jesus loving Americans."  Matt Gaetz was also enthusiastic about Mr. Santos, "When he was 16, and dressed in drag, I went on a date with him... of course I didn't know that she was a he and did not complete my Venmo payment to her, er, him. But other than that he is a GREAT Congressman, or Congresswoman..." Senator Lindsey Graham, after hearing Mr. Gaetz endorsement stated, "I think I need to take Mr. Santos to dinner and have a few drinks and discuss our future together. In Congress.. no, not that congress... oh, hell."

Trump's Heir-Apparent?

"His grasp of 'TRUTHiness' exceeds even that of Mr. Trump!"

Convinced of his pending 2024 Presidential victory, Congressman Santos has already asked President Biden to vacate the White House immediately stating that he "needs time to redecorate" and he also needs "a place to live because I'm being booted from my current apartment due to non-payment of rent."  Mr. Santos' further explained he had paid the rent, but the Brazilian check bounced... "likely due to some foreign exchange issues brought on by the Biden Administration."

Perhaps surprisingly, not all Republicans are lining up behind Mr. Santos. Congresswoman Lauren Opal Boebert (R-Colorado) has argued that there are better choices stating, "As everyone knows, I'm Pro-Choice, well my choice, and we need to abort Mr. Santo's premature takeover of President Trump's party. I've heard rumors that Mr. Santos has exposed himself in public which is evil... and not anything like when my husband was arrested and convicted of exposing himself to girls at our local bowling alley [Editor: True Fact]. I fully expect to be Mr. Trump's Vice President in 2024 and Mr. Santos ain't going to screw me out of that!" Upon hearing Congresswoman Boebert's comment, an loud chant of "Cat Fight" rumbled throughout the House Chamber.  

Meanwhile, Mr. Trump, from his monastical cell at Ryker's Island Jail, stated, "Santos lies... but not a well as I do."  The current President of Mar-a-Lardo went on to praises his supporters for getting their priorities straight: "I feel that my exemplary life and Presidency have shown the value in living life as I have. The Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth are now much more popular in my MAGA supporters than those wimpy Seven Cardinal Virtues of humility, charity, chastity, gratitude, temperance, patience, and diligence that those evil Democrats continue to praise [EDITOR: and occasionally practice]."

WHN EXCLUSIVE: 'FUTURE' President George Anthony Devolder Santos practicing his Inauguration Speech. The intrepid WHN staff infiltrated the secret chamber (well, the Men's Restroom next to the House Chamber) where Mr. Santos practiced his speech in front of a crowd of seated and standing male House members. Seated members clapped loudly, while standing members shook lightly... © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, 2023. In ROYAL NEWS, the WHN can confirm the The Royal Bastard of Albania has been bestowed the exalted title of THE EMIR(itus) OF SOUTH SURREY. This honor arose consequent to his over 20 years service to his people (er, pupils?).  The title, awarded by the Senate of the Universal Bastard Cartel (UBC) in late January 2023. The EMIRitus honor, while highly significant, did not, unfortunately, come with a cash award.  

Hence the poverty stricken Emir of South Surrey is happy for you to book him for Birthday Parties, Capital Riots, Trucker Convoys and Alien Autopsies (the later only as an observer, not as the principal subject). His fee schedule is quite reasonable, but, all fees must be paid upfront in diamonds, rubies, and gold ingots - no checks accepted. A Harem Girl (The Emir-itress of South Surrey) is available for an extra fee. The Royal Hound (Cooper of Golden Dream) may also be hired for treats and petting; though care must be taken due to his vicious nature [EDITOR; just last week, commoners living near the Emir had their faces viciously licked!]

If Interested, contact the Emir via the WHN.

One Chief Executive tweets:


Trump v. Cohen at the new TRUMP TOWER ALCATRAZ

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Previously TRUMP TOUTED HIS STIMULUS 'PACKAGE'. "Hey, I gave Stormy $130,000 for, um, er, stimulation ..." Reports are Stormy was less than impressed with his 'stimulation' package. © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News