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World Headline News

July 20, 2019   •   Issue 117

50 Years of Mooning...

Almost Washington State (WHN) July 20, 2019.  Fifty years ago today, humans, nay, AMERICANS, made history by landing men on the moon.  While many believe that that all the details of the National Aeronautics and Space Administrations (NASA) lunar conquest are known, surprises remain. As President, Donald Trump has lifted the lid of secrecy exposing the real story and his own key role in the 1969 moon landing. In an exclusive interview with WHN Chief Scientist Ned Ander-Thal, a gracious Mr. Trump disclosed the here-to-fore hidden account of the startling details about the REAL MOON MISSION.  Per President Trump:

“Kennedy was a schmuck... you know he was a Democrat , but on September 12, 1962 JFK gave a speech in which he basically 'moon'ed' the AMERICANS public by making insane comments about sending them to the moon - just like Ralph Kramden. Anyway, he did do one thing that was smart, he hired a NAZI, err, ex-NAZI.  This NAZI, a rocket guy named Wernher von Braun [EDITOR: von Braun was the Father of the American space program who was brought to the USA as part of Operation Paperclip].  Anyway, Wernher dropped by the New York Military Academy in 1963 because he had heard rumors about the biggest stable genius the world has ever known… me.  Anyway, Vonny, as I called him, could design the rocket that went boom [EDITOR: search V1 and V2 rockets], but needed a brainiac to make them go vroom versus boom and a brave man to fly it.  Well obviously I'm not only smart but brave.  I had originally planned to go to Vietnam to fight the COMMIES, just like I'm doing now with those COMMIE women Democrats, but, and I will forever be sorry about this, I had to give up my ticket to Vietnam (see actual ticket below!) to train for the moon.  The CIA, or Daddy, I can't remember, arranged for a diagnosis of debilitating 'bone spurs' to get out of the draft and then sent me to a secret space school in Mar-a-Lago where, in the company of NFL cheerleaders, I trained, I trained hard.  Many people say life in Mar-a-Lago was worse than 'Nam - in fact just the other day Melania said something like that. Anyway, it was a US Top Secret that I was the very first astronaut selected by NASA – and straight out of high school!  Part of my training also went on at Wharton  where I practiced my moon maneuvers by 'mooning' classmates… I did the half-moon, the full moon, and the lunar eclipse;  Melania really likes the lunar eclipse - that's where I disappear from the bedroom.  Financially though, the program was in trouble cause NASA couldn't afford to build both the rocket and feed me. So being a genius, I arranged for the McDonald's burger chain to provide some financial capital, and free fries for life for me, in exchange for exclusive burger rights on the moon.  This got the Saturn V built, it was going to be a Saturn IV but I put on a bit of weight due to the fries, and I continued to train in Manhattan where my Daddy I also built a fortune in real estate.

So, after a few practice runs by the “B” team, I took off for the moon in July 1969.  Because I was a secret CIA payload, Apollo 11 was actually a 4-man capsule, not 3-man like they've told you.  Little known fact, it was during our flight to the moon that I first came up with the idea for the US Space Force.  I thought it would be cool to build like a Death Star or [EDITOR:  the 'Death Star' was FIRST envisoned by George Lucas in 1977's 'Star Wars'] or something.  

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Science Reporter Ned Ander-Thal has uncovered a secret NASA  archive of the real moon landing on July 20, 1969. Secret documents shows that the McDonald Corporation (NOT McDonnell-Douglas) funded the Apollo 11 moon mission.  Indeed, McDonald's opened its first moon franchise (owned by Donald J. Trump) on July 20, 1969.  It closed shortly afterward due to unforeseen problems - fries drifting off in zero gravity and an inability to open the space helmet to eat the fries....  Unknown to many without TOP SECRET security clearance, moon life WAS also discovered and brought back to earth. These minions, many of whom have top White House jobs, have faithfully served Astronaut ("He's Out to Space") Trump since that fateful 1969 meeting.  Photo Credit: Neil Armstrong & Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

50 YEARS AFTER: CIA and NASA Release New, Never Before Seen, Photo of the REAL MOON LANDING

No Bone-Spurs!

"A PERFECT Physical Specimen"

Trump Excused from Vietnam Duty Due to Super Secret Mission for Richard Nixon and AMERICA!

Trump's Grandfather was both a German IMMIGRANT and a DRAFT DODGER!

50 YEARS LATER: The Tяump Intergalactic Hotel is Bustling and 'Green' Fees Are Sky High

NATURALIST'S NOTE: Per the documentary Minions, Minions are small, yellow creatures who have existed since the beginning of time, evolving from yellow single-celled organisms into beings which exist only to serve the most despicable and diabolical masters - who they call BOSS. Without an evil master to serve, Minions become depressed, restless, and unmotivated. To regain their dignity and sense of purpose, the moon minions became imprinted on the most evil man on the moonDonald J. Trump.

You Know This "FACT" Is the "TRUTH"

Because It Comes From The

U.S. Department Of "TRUTH"

WHN EXCLUSIVE:  Trump Intergalactic Golf Links, opened in 1969, announces record club memberships. Donald Trump, "I always shoot below par on this course." [EDITOR: see par notice] Mr. Trump also highly recommends flying to the Trump Intergalactic Hotel on the new and improved Trump Shuttle Space Ship. Il Trumpe XLV is shown golfing with the Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin.  Per Trump, "He carries not only my pocket money but my clubs as well.... can't put down these delicious fries...."

Photo Credit: © 2019 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Anyway, we got to the moon and when it came time to land, I flew the landing module, not Neil Armstrong, and I made a perfect landing.  Now Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were wimps and afraid to step out onto the moon because they, like lots of scientists, thought the moon might be like camembert cheese – you know soft and gooey. Another little known fact, until I went to the moon, most people did not know it existed and then I proved that it was not made of cheese… it is made of real estate.  I still remember my first words as I stepped on the lunar surface, “Damn, I feel like I only weigh 20 lbs – I can eat more fries!”.  But because I was CIA, I couldn't appear on the TV newscast, so that damn Neil Armstrong got all the press – but being a looser, he didn't get an Emmy - if I had been on the screen we would have won the Emmy...

Per my "fries" clause, I claimed the moon for McDonalds and then staked out the first hole of the Trump Intergalactic Golf Links club.  There are some great sand traps on the course, but no water hazards.  My experience on the moon was fantastic, the best, but I did face tough obstacles. The worst was that while I had lots of fries, they kept floating away in the zero gravity.  I also couldn't figure out how to eat the things... damn helmet got in the way.  Who knew there was no oxygen on the moon.

It was also on the moon that I made my first longterm hires.  Many people do not realize this, but as I've repeatedly stated my minions are out of this world - literally.  While claiming the moon for McDonalds, I also discovered the moon minions and became their "Boss!".  You could say they were my very first Apprentices -  Emmy please.  In fact, I brought back several minions who have served me faithfully in both business, and now, in the White House.  I also looked for Moon Maid, because I loved Dick Tracy, but couldn't find her so I've had to settle for Ivana, then Marla and now Melania.. but I'm still always looking."

When the WHN reached out to House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi to comment on the newly discovered moon landing story, Ms. Pelosi would only state, “...well he is a little spacey... not Kevin Spacey.... just spacey... and clearly a lunatic.”.  Lindsey Graham enthused, “I knew he was out to launch.  And you can see he's not racist, he loves minions and they're yellow. But of course they are the same yellow as McDonald's Golden Arches... so I'm not so sure now.  He may just think they're talking fries... like Eric.”

One Chief Executive tweets:

"I only say the most outrageous 'TRUTHS' ..."

actual ticket!