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Satire Since 1993

Ivanka Trump Saves USA?

Almost Washington State Bureau (WHN) - The White House has announced that the Duchessa Ivanka Marie Trumpe will be joining the Oval Office staff effective immediately.  The panicked hiring of Duchessa Trumpe was precipitated by a barrage of unrestrained, and poorly received, tweets by La Sua Magnificience Il Trumpe.  According to unnamed sources (see Kellyanne, I told you we could be discreet) within the White House, Duchessa Ivanka's official duties will be focused on preventing the runaway tweets of Il Trumpe that have infamously scarred his first two months in office. Il Trumpe, nicknamed "The Mad Twit" by both his friends and enemies, is said to be pleased with being able to see his daughter everyday.

March 26, 2017   •   Issue 91

Exclusive to the World Headline News

Exclusive WHN Report:

President Il Trumpe holds a press conference to announce that daughter Ivanka Trumpe will be joining the oval office staff.  While the White House has been circumspect with regards to her duties, a secret WHN White House mole states that, "Ms. Trumpe's job is to stick it to the man!"  Background:  Shadow Supremo Steven Bannon works at his desk in his never-ending endeavor to keep America devoid of 'color'. Note the caucasian beige walls of the remodeled oval office.

Ivanka Trumpe

Joins Oval Office Staff  

Tasked With Reigning In

"The Mad Twit" Il Trumpe

* EDITOR:  While treatment of this severe medical condition is covered under Obamacare, it was not covered under Trumpcare.  Trying to show the value of Trumpcare, the White House resorted to medical tourism for this testing.  A Mr. Putin arranged and paid for Il Trumpe's test saving the U.S. Taxpayers oodles of money.

** EDITOR: This may explains Mr. Trump's three marriages, multiple affairs, The Apprentice TV show and, bigly, the fact that Melania is staying in New York.

Unfortunately, according to Dr. de'Ander-Thal of the Papa Doc School of Nursing, the "vitamins" need to be administered every 6-12 hours to keep Il Trumpe's brain and fingers flat-lined.  Because of this, and Il Trumpe's close proximity to the nuclear launch codes, medical support is required 24/7.  However, this need could not be met by mere humans as repeated attempts to use “normal” humans  showed that even the strongest individual would either murder Il Trumpe or commit seppuku after 14 hours of moderately close contact.**  However, perhaps because of her Trumpe genome, Duchessa Ivanka has proven immune to the "curse of the Donald" Hence, White House staffers turned to the Infermiera Ivanka Trumpe to administer the "Haitian Voodoo Vitamins" and to keep America safe.  

White House sources stress that the Duchessa will not be taking a salary from the American taxpayer but will simply receive an advance on Tiffany's Trumpe's inheritance.  Moreover, an unnamed bleach bottle-blond White House source (Kellyanne or Sean?) states that Duchessa Trumpe will be a role model to Americans by carpooling to the White House with her husband Jared Kushner, Senior White House Advisor and Director of the White House American Innovation Office.  Per the White House Press Release, “It is our hope and prayer ("Please, please, please God, let this fool them all!") that Ivanka and Jared carpooling together will prove to Americans and our foreign friends that the Il Trumpe Administration is serious about addressing global climate change and supporting environmental causes.”


Ivanka: "Restoring sanity to the Oval Office one syringe full at a time!"

Papa Doc School of Nursing and Haitian Voodoo Vitamins

Founded in 1957 by Francois Duvalier, The Papa Doc School of Nursing's humanitarian mission was to treat the victims of the Tontons Macoutes who killed and maimed the political enemies of Francois Duvalier.  It is thought that this impressive circular reasoning inspired Il Trumpe's choices of an: EPA critic to lead the EPA; Charter School Advocate to lead the Dept. of (Public) Education; and Anti-Vaccination Critics To Lead NIH-Review of Vaccine Safety.

Haitian Voodoo Vitamins: Developed by Voodoo scientists at the Papa Doc School of Nursing, this delicious blend of 11 herbs and neurotoxins is guaranteed to make even the most angry man mellow and open to suggestions/direction and was selected specifically by Steven Bannon and Vladimir Putin for "taking the edge off an angry Il Trumpe".  Key ingredients are WHITE pepper and puffer fish (Fugu) tetrodotoxin.  However, due to Il Trumpe's extreme anger issues, it must be delivered every 6-12 hours.  

To address this precarious situation, aides to La Sua Magnificience Il Trumpe initiated a plan three years ago, paid for by a generous donation by Russian humanitarian Vladimir Putin.  Unknown to many Americans is that, over the last two years of campaigning, Duchessa Ivanka attended the Papa Doc School of Nursing in Port-au-Prince, Haiti.  Following her graduation in December 2016, Ivanka became qualified to secretly inject the President with "Haitian Voodoo Vitamins" (described below).  

According to renowned Haitian pharmacologist Ned de'Ander-Thal, "The "vitamins" restore balance to a person by evening out the highs and lows of life to a simple flat-line."  Importantly, most experts agree that the American policy and international standing will significantly benefit from a "flat-line" Il Trumpe.  Foreign leaders as diverse as Angela Merkel and Kim Jong-Un have expressed support the proposed pharmacological intervention.  Vladimir Putin seemed less enthusiastic, but only because he thought Il Trumpe's brain had always been 'flat lined' – the perfect state for an American President.

While Duchessa Trumpe refused to confirm that her role is to prevent “The Mad Twit's” tweets, she did state, "I have dressed papa Il Trumpe in one of my "Ivanka Signature Collection" vanilla white custom jackets with the optional, but elegant, organic hemp tie-downs.  The beauty of the custom jacket is that papa Il Trumpe can self-administer the 'hugs' that he so desperately craves, and never gets.  However, as is often true of haute couture, this particular jacket does, err, limit hand movement."

While the Ivanka Signature Collection is a key component of Il Trumpe's handlers plans to constrain the Presidential very small, but very busy, fingers, it will not be enough.  Secret MRI brain scans of “The Mad Twit” Trumpe cranium conducted at a secluded “out-of-plan” hospital* in the Ural mountains showed that Il Trumpe's cerebrum (the part of the brain used for critical thinking) is very, very tiny – much like his hands.  In contrast to the cerebrum, the amygdala (the center for emotions; e.g., anger and mad impulses) was observed to be vastly oversized (indeed “huuge!”) - likely accounting for the viciousness and fecal slinging propensity of La Sua Magnificience Il Trumpe.   However, despite the size of the amygdala, little to no evidence for the antithesis of anger (i.e., compassion) has been observed making Il Trumpe a clear and present danger to others.

"The Hugger"

from The Ivanka Signature Collection

Modeled by Mr. Donald Trump at a recent White House press conference.  Exclusively available from fine retailers (Kmart, Sears, Claire's Boutiques and Putin's Cry-Me-A Gifts and Notions) worldwide for $98.99 plus shipping and handling.  Great for unruly children and Presidents.  Prevents potentially catastrophic "button pushing".