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Satire Since 1993

January 1, 2021   •   Issue 145

IT Ends as IT Began ...


Almost Washington State (WHN) January 1, 2021.... or is it January 1, 2017? President-Eject Trump returned early from Mar-a-Lago to celebrate the New Year in the White House with a few (hundred) of his closest sycophants. Declaring: "I deserve a 'mulligan' for 2020 so I have issued an Executive Order declaring that the this new year shall henceforth be known as 2017. As a result, the election of the, now, yet-to-occur 2020, as well as the now fictional COVID pandemic, have not occurred and I shall be sworn in again, but for the first time, as President on January 20.  While the rest of the world may have moved on, I see no reason that the United States can't lag behind by a few years.... I mean we still use miles, pounds, gallons, and the Fahrenheit scale while the rest of the world uses the metric system.  So while 'they' use 'metric years' and we will use my newly declared 'Trump years'.  The Golden Age of America begins this January 20, in our year 2017! May all of America enjoy the 'Golden Shower' that I have bestowed upon our, now, semi-democracy!"

When asked about Mr. Trump's Executive Calendar Decree, Senate Majority Leader 'Moscow Mitch' McConnell stated that "Nothing in the constitution states that we have to follow some so-called calendar devised by some unamerican devil. If China can have their own domestic calendar [Editor: currently this is the year 4716], I see no reason that AMERICA can't have its own calendar system as well. We in the Senate support this truly American calendar innovation."  The House of Representatives was less pleased with Nancy Pelosi stating, "This is a direct subversion of American democracy and the House will initiate impeachment proceedings against Mr. Trump should he follow through on his threats this January 20th." Mr. Trump simply responded, "Yea, like that worked so well last time..."  When contacted by the WHN, Mr. Trump's best friend Vlad M.R. Poutine, a mysterious French-Canadian, stated, "Good job Donny! You should follow my lead and stay in office until 2036... or whatever year that is in 'Trump Years'."

Coming In Our Next Issue!

The "NEWS" Crisis

WHN, as well as other media giants, express concerns about Biden's impeding Presidency. Will 'Boring Joe' (when compared to 'Tumultuous Trump') lead to a decline in revenues?! Is he a Circulation risk?

WHN EXCLUSIVE: President-Eject Trump returned early from Mar-a-Lago to celebrate the New Year in the White House with a few of his closest Proud Boy sycophants. Using a realistic face mask of Steven Miller, our own Ned Ander-Thal infiltrated the gathering to capture this exclusive photo of Mr. Trump expressing his New Year wishes to the American electoral system.   World Headline News © 2021 Ned Ander-Thal.

Flashback:  May 16, 2016. The World Headline News Endorses Donald J. Trump For President Citing His Excellence in 'Foreign Affairs' (e.g., see Ivana and Melania)

Almost Washington State (WHN) January 1 ?2021? Despite Mr. Trump's ongoing efforts to ignore the results of the 2020 Election, preparations are being made by the 'DEEP STATE' to relocate the soon-to-be former President to non-public housing in Mar-a-Lago, Florida. Mrs. Trump 3rd (Melania) has been actively redecorating the Florida residence to her tastes (but apparently not HIS tastes per recent shouting matches) in preparation for the 'trial' (scheduled for New York in 2021) separation of Mr. Trump from America.  

However, close confidents of Melania (i.e., those who have not YET written tell-all books about the soon-to-be former First Lady) report that she is despondent about the impending relocation. "Dey tell me dat I have to still live wit him... can President Biden give me clemency? Da White House was BIG and we had separate beed-rooms. Our personal residence at Mar-a-Lago is so tiny dat we have to share da same bedroom and bad-room. I taught he would grow in da Presidency, but look, he is still da same tiny, ill-tempered brat he waz when I married his money... back when when I taught he was rich.  But da New York Times says dat he owes people more dan $400,000,000.... and he needs a diaper change..... HELP! I sooo hope dat da State of New York successfully relocates him to da nice suite dey have in der public housing complex on Riker's Island.... I hear it is lovely dis time of year."

When asked to comment, Mr. Trump simply cried, "Help me obi-wan-Giuliani, only you can save me.... and only you are willing to change my diaper... and boy is it stinky...."  

Worldwide concern about the soon-to-be former President plight has caught the attention of Mr. Trump's BFF, Vlad M.R. Poutine, a mysterious French-Canadian. Mr. Poutine has enlisted the help of friends within Russia to provide aid to Mr. Trump should he need it. Reports indicate that Moscow is preparing to offer asylum to Mr. Trump (affectionately know as Trumpusha) [SERIOUSLY! see Link ] as a solution to Trump's state-law based legal challenges! Dasvidanya Donald!

WHN EXCLUSIVE: A distraught Melania tends to Donald during the Christmas Holiday at Mar-a-Lago where she was overheard yelling, "It stinks living vit Donald!"   World Headline News © 2021 Ned Ander-Thal.

President-Eject tRump

Rings In The NEW YEAR!

"Waah, I had the BIGGEST Inauguration crowd ever!"

"Waah, I won, I won, I won.."

see 2020

In The Rearview Mirror

2021 - It' Has To Be Better.... famous last words...

Exclusive to the

World Headline News