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Satire Since 1993

Money, Money, Money

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Hidden camera photo of WHN counterfeiters at work duplicating BIG DENOMATION BILLS. Said one counterfeiter, "Our only really problem is carrying enough of these bills around to exchange at 7-Eleven stores. Most stores seem reluctant to take the bills because their cash registers don't have space for them." © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

As Economy Sours, Counterfeiting Soars

FBI: "Major Canadian Mob Boss Producing BIG BILL$!"

April 28, 2023   •   Issue 175

Exclusive to the

World Headline News

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Alternative monetary systems considered by the Canadian Loonie-Twoonie Commission. © 2002 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News


Selected Exclusive Reports from the

World Headline News Print Edition Archives (1993-2012)

Issue 52

March 7, 2002

White Rock (WHN) Following months of economic uncertainty and the continued drop in the value of the Loonie, Canada has taken bold action to reassert its place in the World economy. In a surprise announcement, Prime Minister Jean Chrétien announced today that “Canada is a Country on the Go” and should have a National Currency that better reflects the “go-go” nature of Canadians and Canada.

Canada Proudly Adopts NEW National Currency!

Acting upon the recommendation of the Canadian Loonie-Twoonie Commission, the Prime Minister announced the adoption of new, yet familiar, currency: “Mais no, not the US dollar - but the Canadian Canadian Tire Dollar. The 'CCTD' has for decades carried the name of Canada proudly and been accepted at thousands of locations across our nation.”

Chrétien promised that the adoption of the 'CCTD' will strengthen the Canadian economy and prevent a return of inflation: “The largest denomination is $2 which will be on par with 50 loonies. Using a highly technical economic formula, we have mandated, by Federal law, that a cup of coffee and donut, chocolate glazed, eh, at Tim Horton’s will, in perpetuity, always cost $0.10 'CCTD'. The wealth of Canadians will increase tremendously as we know that millions of you have large numbers of 'CCTD' scattered about the house, this is a good thing as many of you will become instant 'CCTD' Thousandaires, eh. Take that Bill Gates!” To numismatically demonstrate the “go-go” nature of the Canadian economy, the Ottawa government has released the design of the “go-go” $0.10 'CCTD' bill. However, not all people are happy with the design. Some, obviously hungry, numismatic experts have suggested that the design of the'CCTD' should adhere to the "yum!" standard.  For example, the $0.10 'CCTD' could incorporate a stylized chocolate glazed donut in place of the “go-go”  tire in the bill. As Canadians know, if you eat too many Tim Horton donuts, that also results in a “go-go” situation.  Using the “yum!” standard, the highest denomination (the $2 'CCTD') would "maple syrup colored" and a bit "sticky". To facilitate the monetary change and invigorate the economy, the government has, in partnership with the banking system, been secretly locking up, er, exchanging, all loonies for the new n'CCTD' [these 'Loonies' are currently housed in the Senate Chamber of Parliament Hill].

However, the decision to replace the loonie was not taken lightly and there was much debate. The Canadian Loonie-Twoonie Commission mandated that any new currency must reflect Canada’s independence and heritage. Perhaps the most popular plan initially considered was a return to the monetary system used by the aboriginal population of the North America - the 'Head of the Pileated Woodpecker'*. However, this plan was shot down (along with several thousand Argentinian pigeons and doves) when the Quebec Minister of Finance noted that entrepreneurial counterfeiting (i.e., bird breeding) might occur with the conversion of chicken ranches into woodpecker ranches. It was further feared that the “counterfeiting” of Pileated Woodpecker heads would exacerbate an ongoing national crisis by driving up the already high market price of chicken and chicken parts - however, this fear was somewhat balanced by the finding that Pileated Woodpecker drumstick prices (as well as other pecker parts) would likely drop. Other monetary options considered, and discarded, included the adoption of the French Franc (as proposed by the Ministry of Finance of Quebec), variably sized plywood planks (what with the American opposition to Canadian softwood industry what else could be done with Canadian timber), and the Argentinian Peso (because even the lowly Loonie could buy a million of them). For a while, the wood plank standard was championed by British Columbia until Ontario pointed out that the colored numerals could be easily sanded off and a new, higher, counterfeit value could be simply painted on. In the end, the 'CCTD' was chosen because it had all of the benefits of the discarded plans (pretty like the French Franc, utilized Canadian softwood pulp like the plywood plan, and was as cheap to produce as the Argentinian peso).

*True Fact!

Loonies Banned! "I say no more Loonies in the Treasury. Canadians already know and love the Canadian Tire currency, and will love it more now that it is backed by CANADA." Jean Chrétien, Prime Minister of Canada. ©2002 World Headline News

In some cases, slight textual and/or photo updates may be present.

White Rock (WHN) American Treasury officials are closely following the 'CCTD' . President Bush has stated that the US might follow suit and adopt McDonald Gift Certificates as an economical replacement for the US dollar. In a recent speech, George Bush declared, “I’m not sure who that guy on the dollar bill is, but I DO know Ronald McDonald and he is NOT evil. It’s the damn Iraqis who are trying to soil Ronald’s reputation with that ‘Evil Ronny’ liberal trash......gasp, choke.... damn those evil pretzels. Dick, aren’t these things of German origin? I hereby declare Germany Evil - we invade at high noon! Let’s take over Switzerland too, I like their chocolate milk.”

The ALL NEW 2002 Canadian CANADIAN TIRE DOLLAR - Preserving Our National Pride while Saving Money! Some versions of the final design MAY include an homage to Tim Horton's if contract negotiations are successful.

OTHER Potential Monetary Systems Investigated



Higher levels of carbon dioxide (CO2) are changing micronutrients levels in grasses, trees, and kelp. Partly due to that nutrient-deficient diet, there’s been a huge decline in grasshopper numbers; by about one-third over the last two decades (per a 2020 study).  Vegetables like lettuce and tomatoes may be sweeter and tastier due to added carbon-rich sugars, but have LOST 10 to 20 percent of the protein, nitrate, magnesium, iron and zinc that they have in lower-carbon (CO2) conditions. On average, plants may lose about 8 percent of their mineral content in conditions of elevated carbon dioxide. Thus, a reputedly nourishing kale salad becomes a bowl of low-nutrient 'iceberg' lettuce.

see lay science story HERE

A CO2-Warmed Planet Leads to LESS Nutritious Plants and FEWER Grasshoppers!

Will Ned STARVE????

WHN EXCLUSIVE: In a shocking development, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) has accused WHN Editor Ned Ander-Thal, of also being the head of the World Hoodlum Network (WHN) and involved in the "LARGE SCALE" counterfeiting of U.S. currency.  According to secret FBI tapes, reputed Mob Boss 'BIG Ned' told his minions, "Don't bother with da Canadian stuff, since the money redesign in 2002, it's IMPOSSIBLE to counterfeit. US currency is da stuff ta do... Make our moola da BIG BILL$."  WHN Legal Advisor (we are not sure which WHN he represents) Michael 'Da Canary' Cohen stated, "How else do I get my $130,000 back and pay the vig? Oh, wait, different mob boss..." © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Almost Washington State (WHN) April 28, 2023. As economies shrink and peoples discretionary income disappears before their very eyes, many erstwhile honest, or semi-honest in the case of journalists, individuals have turned to a life of crime in order to maintain their over indulgent lifestyles. As reported in our last issue, Editor Emeritus Ned Ander-Thal is one of those POOR people (story here; see right sidebar for STORY UPDATE!).

While readers of the WHN might reasonably assume that Ned is obscenely wealthy (versus simply obscene) due to the huge subscription base of the World Headline News, that is sadly not the case. As Ned explained in the most recent WHN bankruptcy filing, "Quality journalism ain't cheap.... and while we don't practice that, we still have lots of fixed costs.  I mean, have you seen the price of a pound of electrons on the open market? Hell, in this economy, well, really any economy, most of our readers don't even bother to pay their subscription fees on time, or even at all. Their ain't no money in journalism. I should have listened to my mother who told me to take up an 'honest', or at least 'profitable', profession like loan sharking, the numbers racket, or extortion. Well, extortion is a bit like journalism.... right Congressman?"

Perhaps because of the financial difficulties facing the World Headline News, and Ned personally, the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) has accused Ned of being involved in the "LARGE SCALE" production of counterfeit US $100 bills. Transcripts of secret recordings obtained of Mr. Ander-Thal in the Head Office [possibly a bathroom at an unnamed Canadian University] of the WHN cites reputed crime boss 'BIG Ned' as saying, "Don't bother with da Canadian stuff, since the money redesign in 2002 [Editor: see story below] , it's impossible to counterfeit. US currency is da stuff ta do... Make our fake 'moola' da BIG BILL$ because I'm 'BIG Ned' and I do BIG paper."

The FBI contends that the WHN printing presses, previously used for the print WHN editions, have been repurposed for counterfeiting $100 bills. According to FBI sources, great attention was paid to the anti-counterfeiting features of the US currency, "We have photographic evidence, obtained by a deep cover agent infiltrated into the World Hoodlum Network (WHN) some 32 years ago, of BIG Ned's counterfeiting team carefully crafting the counterfeit BIG BILL$." According to the FBI court filings, Agent 'Windy', all too often confused with Agent 'Stormy' in the Trump investigation, was able to place hidden cameras in both the Head Office of the WHN/WHN and, somehow, within the palatial private residence of Ned Ander-Thal. According to Agent 'Windy' "The sooner the 'BIG Ned' goes to jail, the sooner I can escape jail, er, I mean domestic bliss... and enjoy life."

Will the U.S.A. Follow Canada's Monetary Policy?

The effect of the counterfeit WHN BILL$ on the economy has been minimal to date. It appears that the counterfeiters are having a difficult time passing the 'moola' at local stores.  According to one dogged henchman, Cooper,  "Our only really problem is carrying enough of these bills around to exchange at 7-Eleven stores. Most stores seem reluctant to take the bills because their cash registers don't have space for them. Another problem is that it takes 2 to 3 of us to carry a single $100.  I know Ned, er, Da Big Boss, likes the BIG DENOMINATION BILLS, but it would be nice to pass some fake $1 or maybe even a $fiver. I can at least carry those by myself." When questioned about his alleged roll in the mass production of the BIG denominations by the little know NY Times, BIG Ned stated, "Hey, get off my back, or I'll have a couple of 'paper-boys' deliver you 'reporters' a premature obituary.. if you get my drift..." [EDITOR: as Editor of the WHN/WHN I want to clarify the misrepresentations made by the sleaze-ball NY Times. The WHN, in it's print edition days, did have 'paper-boys' to deliver both our a.m. and p.m. editions. Being kindhearted, the WHN kept a few of these burly gorillas, er boys, around. Nowadays, they simply go to 7-Elevens to pick up chewing gum for me - of course they paid with BIG BILL$ because that's how our 'subscribers pay' us! They may also deliver a few carpets as a side gig.]

FBI Agent Ms. Ellie T. Ness states that: "Tracking down the 'paper delivery' boys has been hard as they have been posing as carpet delivery men. These are clever, and surprisingly, literate, mobsters."  The United States has announced that new BIG denominations bills will include anti-counterfeiting features. Lead currency designer, and former clothing designer, Ms. Vera Wang has suggested that the Department of the Treasury may include rare silks, chiffons and bedazzled sequins in order to insure the security of the U.S. monetary system against the scourge of mobsters. BIG Ned states that the WHN will soon be branching out into the high-fashion industry: "There's money in sequins!".

LEGAL NOTICE: The World Headline News Will NO LONGER Accept $100 BILL$ For Subscription Payment; our cash register doesn't have a 12 x 5 foot slot for them.  

Originally Published: March 7, 2002

Fox Pays Record $787.5 Million Dominion Voting Settlement

Murdoch Kicks Another Expensive Dumbass To Curb

WHN EXCLUSIVE: President Bush's proposed US Currency based on the new Canadian currency. © 2002 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, er, 28, 2023. "Hell has frozen over.... and it's full of Swanson's Frozen TV Dinners!" a visibly confused (i.e., his normal expression) Tucker Carlson lamented over a cold Bud Lite, er, anti-Woke beer, as he painfully relived the moment (captured by WHN photographer Ned Ander-Thal) he was kicked to the curb by Rupert Murdoch. "For an old guy, he has a good lift to his kick. It hurt a lot more, especially in the wallet, than when I was booted from MSNBC or CNN" cried Tucker, continuing: "I gave FOX the best of myself. Mind you, that's like saying Hitler was a great painter, but I was the TOP rated host in cable TV! I was FOX...."  Mr. Murdoch when asked by the WHN for a statment replied, "Crikey, I have to give credit to all my years playing football, what you Yanks call soccer. I really got my boot into that dumbass's arse."

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Ace reporter Ned Ander-Thal captured the moment that Tucker Carlson was booted from the FOX News studios by Rupert Murdoch. Mr. Murdoch "Don't let me see your dumb ass sitting in © 2002 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Some media sources claim that Tucker's literal booting was due to secret conditions within the Dominon Voting Machine settlement while other claim it was because he is an arrogant, authoritative, sexist, imbecile and FOX NEWS already had one of those as Chairman. Republicans are aghast at the changes occurring at FOX NEWS and are echoing Tucker's claim, "Only in Biden's America could this happen!". Jim Jordan, Chair of the House Judiciary Committee, has promised to open hearings on FOX NEWS's attack on the First Amendment, "While we fully support the muffling those dangerous woke liberals on CNN and MSNBC, we find this attack on a true, God-Fearing, Dictatorship-Loving Conservative very troublesome. Next thing you know they'll be investigating President Trump, what, I've been told they already are! To combat this troubling Biden-driven agenda, the Committee will be appointing renowned investigative journalist Tucker Carlson to delve into this WOKE-Corporate attack on freedom. In addition to FOX NEWS, we have charged him with also investigating Green m&ms, Woke beers, Disney and pale testicles." Former President Trump when asked for comment stated, "If he's been indicted, I don't know him, but if unindicted, and if he says nice things about me in emails, he is a GREAT guy who is being persecuted by the Biden Crime Family Agenda!".

When asked by the WHN how he was going to cope with the loss of his reported $20 Million annual salary, Mr. Carlson replied, "With frozen Swanson TV dinners and Mrs. Ander-Thal's Honey Spiced Locust... just like BIG Ned, who, by the way, has also offered me a position in his mob... of journalists...I assume?!  Going from FOX to the WHN should not be too much of a change as BIG NED and Rupert have so much in common. The  WHN has also promised to pay me under the table in BIG BILL$ so as to avoid taxes and investigations.... just like Russia did!"