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Satire Since 1993

World Wide ELECTRON Shortage Jeopardizes Web

WHN (Surrey) February 23, 2014. In breaking news, WHN Science and Technology Editor Ned Ander-Thal reports that “The internet is on the verge of collapse due to a world wide shortage of electrons.”   The shortage is so severe that it is threatening the economic collapse of some of the worlds most treasured, and essential, industries.  Indeed, the crucial Porn industry is so concerned that it is demanding that President Obama approve an emergency release of electrons from the Strategic Electron eXchange (SEX) Reserve – a demand The White House has uncharacteristically ignored.  

The shortage of electrons is very suspicious as the most recent Annual Reports and SEC Filings for the world’s top electron mines report more than adequate electron production to meet current global demand.  Indeed, the Google Fukushima Mine reported run-away record levels of electron production.   Thus, the question becomes:

‘Why the near-crippling shortage?'

Rumors abound regarding both a ‘mysterious cartel’ and other ‘vague’ reports about a secret US Government Black-Ops Program (BO Program) that is consuming huge levels of electrons. Whether it be the Cartel or the US Government, a single entity is clearly buying up virtually all electron futures at the SEX and is also buying heavily on the spot electron market.  Tea Party politicians and innumerable conservative theorists claim that President Obama is behind the shortage.  Indeed, significant evidence supports the conclusion that The Cartel and the BO Program are one and the same.  Respected, and impartial, analysts former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and former Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann have uncovered evidence that the artificial shortage is being masterminded by the White House and the National Shush Agency (NSA) in an effort to silence freedom loving conservatives.  Indeed, it is worth noting that freedom-loving conservatives such as Mr. Rush Limbaugh are MAJOR electron consumers.   It is estimated that Mr. Limbaugh uses in excess of 100,000,000,000,000,000 electrons daily (est. at 5% of the total daily World usage).  Liberals point out that this high-energy usage has led to excess ‘hot air’ and has significantly contributed to Global Warming and could itself have contributed to a real electron shortage.  But sound conservative science has been quick to rebuke this ‘liberal’ interpretation of the data and point to the fact that by creating an artificial electron shortage, conservative voices will be preferentially targeted and silenced.  In the absence of these sane Conservative (electron-fed) voices, the American public will be forced into a dependence on the ‘mainstream media’ and a ‘public’ school system rife with socialists thus keeping the typical citizen ignorant of the Conservative truths.

But is there even more to the story? All evidence supports the involvement of the NSA.  In January, WHN and FOX News Science and Technology Editor Ned Ander-Thal used forged CBS News credentials to infiltrate the secret NSA test facility in Washington.  To his shock, he discovered that massive numbers of electrons were being administered to President Obama by the nefarious Dr. Who.   According to web sources (only available to those few who still have sufficient electron stocks), Dr. Who is known to be an intergalactic liberal/socialist ne’er-do-well responsible for the mass deaths of Daleks, Cybermen, and Sontarans while also causing Angels to Weep (‘nothing is as sad as a Weeping Angels’).  Moreover, as seen in the Exclusive WHN Photo, the fragile Daleks seem essential for the ‘supercharging’ process.  It is unknown if the process is fatal to the Dalek, but based on both the photo and what is known about Dr. Who, famously quoted as saying “The only good Dalek is a dead Dalek”, it is assumed to be so.  

But to what end is the ‘supercharging’ of the President with the near total of the world’s supply of electrons being done?  Is it a performance enhancement drug (PED) to aid him in reaching the ambitious goals he set for his second term, or is it something more nefarious?  While Mr. Obama is a known ‘PED’-o-phile, it is most probable that it is the villainous later.  Fear is rampant among patriotic Americans that Mr. Obama is attempting to become an EVIL SUPER VILLAIN (versus his current status as a ‘simple’ villain) in order to destroy American Democracy.  Only time will tell, but to be safe, True Americans (and smart Canadians) are encouraged to hoard all the precious electrons they can now so that when the internet dies for others, they can use those hoarded electrons to listen in to Rush and the EIB Nation.

DC Electron Crisis

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February 23, 2014   •   Issue 69