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Satire Since 1993

July 20, 2020   •   Issue 135

Trump 'Unmasks' America

Almost Washington State (WHN) July 20, 2020. Unrest in America continues to increase over the highly contentious issue of "Public Health": face masks to reduce the transmission of a deadly virus.

While there is near universal agreement in the science/medical communities over the life saving benefits of face masks in preventing the spread of COVID-19, a vocal and aggressive segment of Americans, including the President, appear to be 'anti-mask'.

When asked by FoxNews host Chris Wallace if Mr. Trump would consider instituting a mandate, Trump responded, "No, I want people to have a certain freedom, and I don't believe in that, no. I mean, if you want to infect others, you should have that freedom. If you want to become infected you should also have that freedom."

Despite Mr. Trump's well reasoned thoughts on the matter, other rumors continue to circulate as to why the President refuses to set a positive example for Americans by wearing a mask. However, there is no mystery to be solved, as Mr. Trump has stated that it musses up his 'hair'.

At a recent meeting of the Coronavirus Task Force, Dr. Anthony Fauci proposed a solution to the President's obstinance. Per Dr. Fauci, "I really see this as no big deal. Donny could just take the toupee off, put the mask on, and then put the toupee back on... no fuss and no muss."


Build That Wall!

Almost Washington State (WHN) July 20, 2020. “Build That WALL” wasn’t a Trump plan, it was an applause line. Trump threw it out once, got a great response, and decided to keep running with it.

Since Trump took office, 216 miles of border fencing has been built (out of the 1954 mile border). But of this 216 miles, only 3 miles represents NEW border fencing. There other 213 miles is replacement fencing - a large part of it previously approved by the Obama Administration...

At a rate of ~1 mile year, or 14 ft/4.2 meters per day, the border fence should be completed around the

Year 3758.

STUPIDITY Went Pandemic Before the VIRUS Went Pandemic


During the FIRST American Civil War (1861-1865), Confederate soldiers killed 360,222 AMERICAN soldiers. As an American whose ancestors arrived in 1635, fought in the Revolution (both sides) and Civil War (both sides) I am puzzled by Trump's continued defense of Confederate statutes.  After all, he did not have a single ancestor in the USA prior to the 1885; and a draft dodger at that! Based on his family's, apparently genetic, predisposition towards draft dodging, if his ancestors had been here in 1861-1865, they would have been very busy avoiding military service ("Oh, my bone spurs!") no matter which side of the Mason-Dixon line they lived on.

"We Will Protect 'Our' Culture"

It is also important to note that the majority of Confederate statues were erected during periods of extreme racial tensions: the Jim Crow era (1890-1920) and the start of the modern civil rights era (1955-1970). The purpose of these statues were not to 'honor' the Confederate dead, but to 'intimidate non-white citizens'.  

TRUMP: "ALL Statues MUST Be Treasured and Protected!"

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Don't worry about the tunnels, hacksaws, or ladders. Worry about people who don't like walls. World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

U.S.A Officially Hits "DESPOT" Status

#1 In a perhaps not surprising move, President Trump ordered the States to no longer report COVID-19 cases to the CDC but to send them to a no-bid "Outside Contractor"selected by the White House. COVID-19 data was then removed from, but later restored later to, the CDC website. The loss of data transparency will impact the tracking of the pandemic in the United States... making it harder to report on the disease....

#2 Trump orders Federal law enforcement to Portland in opposition to the wishes of the City and State governments. Federal agents 'abduct' protestors (in absence of criminal activity) question and then release the. The US Attorney in Oregon files suit against Office of Homeland Security.

The World Asks:

"Has the USA Gone Bananas?"

Almost Washington State (WHN) July 4, 2020. As America Celebrated on July 4th, homes and bio-bunkers everywhere celebrated with beer (or in a few homes, lysol disinfectant) and bratwurst. The White House was no different... with the exception of the Wurst Brat also showed up and 'hogged' all delicious hot dogs provided by America's favorite chef Vlad M.R. Poutine ( a mysterious French-Canadian). Said Mr. Trump, "Hey, I am America's Top Dog so I deserve and WANT them all. It's not like there are any hungry people in 'MY America'." Chef Poutine agreed, "I told him he has to eat them all if he doesn't want the pee-pee tape posted on YouTube."

"If you don't like masks, you will really HATE the ventilator...."

"blah, blah, blah, blah

#Fire Fauci"

But others claim that since the mask covers 'God's breathing tubes', the US Constitution prohibits the Government from mandating masks as a public health measure (saving thens of thousands of lives) as it would counter God's will...

Separation of Church and State Is Enshrined in the United States Constitution

The U.S. Constitution, including the 27 amendments, contains 7,591 words. NONE of these words are: God, Christianity, Christian, Jesus, Christ, Lord, Commandments, New Testament or Bible. That said, the current Administration presents itself as the 'Christian' Administration. Perplexingly, the resistance to wearing mask is  at odds with the “love thy neighbor” concept - an essential element of New Testament Christianity. Therefore, one must assume that people who refuse to wear masks must NOT be Christians…

...though they do seem to love the Old Testament Punishments...


At the request of the White House, famed sculptor Ned Ander-Thal has created a new modern classic entitled:

"The Emperor of Mar-a-Lago"

This sculpture exquisitely captures the Trump Administrations response to the global coronavirus pandemic.  World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.


Not since Watergate has the Presidential news cycle moved so fast... ...and so bizarrely.

We Forgot About Russian interference in 2016 Because of Ukraine; We Forgot About Ukraine/Impeachment Because of The Pandemic; We Forgot About the Pandemic Because of the Russian Bounty on American Soldiers; We Forgot About the Bounty Because Trump Attacked Fauci; We Forgot About Fauci Because Trump Commandeered CDC COVID Data Collection; We Forgot About the CDC Because DHS Invaded Portland; What Will We Forget Next...

What about Roger Stone?

What about Michael Flynn?

What about 75,000 new COVID-19 cases per day?

"It's a good likeness!"

What about the Inspector Generals?

Exclusive to the

World Headline News