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Satire Since 1993

Exclusive to the

World Headline News

September 6, 2018   •   Issue 109

Almost Washington State (WHN) The unrepentant Capo Crimini (Head) of the Trump Crime Family, Donald  "The Don" Trump recently sat down with WHN Crime Reporter Ned Ander-Thal at an undisclosed 'safe-house' in Washington D.C. - all we can say is it was a WHITE - all white - house.  The Don, currently under investigation by multiple State Attorney Generals and the Federal Justice Department, seemed unconcerned by the Trump Crime Family's problems raging, "Da coppers ain't going to do nut'in to me.  Not even wit da help of all democrats, bimbos, an stupid special Feds.  I will personally gut Cohen, Stormy, and dat Mueller guy... and I don't even wanna say wat I's will do to dat traitor Sessions. I is immune to Johnny Law cause I got me pardon power... I am a Caesar!  Dey needs to go after that bimbo Hillary - she's da real colluder.  I mean first Mexico an den Russia... at least dat is what I is saying an you is ta beleive...  ...or else."

Despite The Don's bravado, not all of the lawless Trump Crime Family members are as confident. Caporegime (Capo; underboss) Donald Jr., a known hitman (known victims include lions, tigers, bears and giraffes) is in legal jeopardy ("Alex, I'll take True Crime for $100") as evidence of illegal transactions with the Russian Mafia (led by a mysterious Vlad M.R. Poutine) have been uncovered by "Johnny Law".

"The Don" - is Little Caesar

"I'm 'The Don' of AMERICA... I say to hell

with 'Johnny Law' and 'HELLO HOLLYWOOD'!"

AMERICA'S MOB BOSS Rages Against Dirty Rats and Coppers; Sells Story To Hollywood!

But The Don remains unperturbed about Junior's problem because, in his word, "..the fix is in!".  Indeed, WHN's sources in the U.S. Capital confirm that "The Don" has several very senior Judges "in his back pocket" - by some accounts 5 of the 9 most supreme U.S. Justices.  But, even if the Judges fail him, The Don holds the ultimate "Get Out of Jail Free" card - virtually unlimited Presidential pardon power [EDITOR:  This is P.P.P., not the infamous 'pee-pee';  Russian Crime Czar Poutine will only release the 'pee-pee' evidence should The Don double cross him].  

But is "Johnny Law" powerless?  Only ONE brave lawman stands in the way of The Don's unlimited power, graft, and groping.  Robert Mueller, a former F.B.I. Director, has been tasked with investigating The Don's ties to Russia's crime Czar.  Mueller's appointment only came consequent to a gaff by the, all too-often, rather dimwitted Trump.  Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, a senior Capo in the Trump Crime Family, failed to protect The Don.  After unexpectedly seizing the White House in 2016, Capo Session inexplicably stepped back from controlling the Russian Graft Investigation in which Don Jr. had already been implicated.  In this brief window of judicial neutrality, Mr. Mueller was appointed.  To date, Mr. Mueller has successfully prosecuted minor members of the Trump Crime Family, but senior family members (Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka, and Jarad as well as The Don himself) have yet to be charged with any crimes.  But this may be changing. Michael Cohen, The Don's longtime "Fixer" just pled guilty to Federal crimes and implicated the The Don himself in these crimes.  Capo Paul John Manafort Jr. was also recently convicted and joins other junior members of the family (Gates, Flynn, Papadopoulos, Pinedo, and Van der Zwaan) who have pled or been found guilty of a range of crimes.  Others in the Russian Mob, celebrity extortion game (a talking Pecker... the publisher of a competing scandalous rag the National Enquirer), and Trump's 'Legal' enterprises, have also be named and may soon be indicted or given immunity for cooperation against The Don. But Mueller is at risk.  Persistent rumors suggest that a "hit" on Mueller has been put in place by The Don... but only after he has whacked, gutted, and personally thrown Sessions under the bus.

The Capo Crimini (Don) of the infamous Trump Crime Family, Donald "The Don" Trump poses for the WHN during our recent clandestine interview.  Reputedly, to throw the Feds off his tail, The Don is attempting to deflect their attention, indictments and bullets onto/into Hillary Clinton - even pressing the, now disused, Trump University diploma printing press into producing "Wanted" posters. Exclusive Photo By: Ned Ander-Thal; ©2018.

BUT MOVIE WORK IS HARD WORK!  Reporter Wendy Ander-Thal of the WHN's sister  magazine, Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous (slogan: "machine gun bullets and bimbo dreams"), recently sat down (unfortunately only the toilet was available - and it had no seat cover...) with The Don between gangland extortions, murders and the hectic filming schedule of "Little Caesar".  When asked by Ms. Ander-Thal what his favorite scene was, after thoughtful pondering (see photo), The Don responded: "Well I really liked da scenes with Stormy and McDougal - they was great 'gun molls'... if you know what I mean.... until dey turned on me, doz rats, I hate rats.  I also loved da scene where I gunned down Crooked Hillary, I used real bullets ya know, after she had colluded with Mexico, or was it Russia...maybe it was Canada; anyway she was as crooked as my bookkeeper.  But probably my favorite scene is where I literally gutted Sessions and Mueller... and da ethics of da Justice Department... let's just say, dey all is now manure at my chicken farm in Upstate New York. Course one of da Producers told me dat's only a dream sequence in the movie...  kinda like my sexy scenes with Ivanka..."  

When asked about his favorite weapon, The Don, despite his love of the Second Amendment, surprised Wendy, "While I luvs my tommy gun, I has to say that my bestest weapon is my little birdie... Say hello to my little friend! Bang, Bang, er,

Tweet, Tweet".

Pre-Release Movie Poster for: Little Caesar

"An action packed, raunchy and disturbing tour de force! The Don is truly unbelievable, Ander-Thal rocks and Scott is a real weasel!"

Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous

The premier of the movie is scheduled for September 2019 at the Toronto International Film Festival.  However, according to informed sources in the F.B.I., it may be necessary to relocate the premier to the newly reopened Alcatraz BIG HOUSE Correctional Institute.  Evidence suggests that Mr. Mueller may be successful and The Don unsuccessful** in the ongoing Russia investigation.

** Though this would prove LUCKY for ~60% of America.

UPDATE? The WHN prepares to announce the outcome of the Mueller investigation.

"The Don", the Capo Crimini of the infamous Trump Crime Family, relaxes in the tub eating pizza following a hard day of filming  "Little Caesar".  The Don states he likes "... to soak wit da fishes, but my enemies dey swim wit da fishes... cuz I fit dem wit some of Ivanka Trump's® designer concrete overshoes...they fit real snug..just like they was poured around da feet... bwa-ha-ha..."

Exclusive Photo by: Ned Ander-Thal ©2018.

If this sounds like it should be a movie, you are right!   World Headline News PICTURES, in association with Warner Brothers Pictures, is pleased to announce the joint-production of the sure-to-be modern classic:


In an amazing turn of events, The Don convinced (*see note below) the movie's producers to allow himself to play the lead role of "Little Caesar"; "Hey dis is da BIGGEST, BADDEST and BESTEST movie role ever written - mostly cause it's my true life story!"   The script, written by P.T. Barnum, was inspired by the 2016 election. The highly versatile Ned Ander-Thal, due to his established investigative skills, will co-star in the role of F.B.I. Agent Robert Mueller.  In a shock announcement, some say a real birthday gift, the little known Mark Scott has been cast in the challenging role of Michael "The Fixer" Cohen - the two-faced rat lawyer who throws (an obviously obese) Little Caesar under the bus.

But the movie is not just non-stop action, it also deals with the all-too-real human issues that The Don had to overcome to run the most ruthless crime family in America.  Perhaps the most challenging was a severe health crisis The Don faced in the turbulent 1960s - life threatening "bone spurs".  Much to his regret, The Don's bone spurs kept him from almost certain heroic deeds in the jungles of Viet Nam - and the similarly almost certain honor of winning (The Don "I'm always winning") nations highest military award, The Medal of Honor.  Fortunately, daughter Ivanka has gained some revenge on the Vietnamese for The Don's lost opportunities for glory by using child labor, paid mere pennies on the day, to manufacture her criminal clothing line.


* NOTE:  The WHN regrets to announce the unexpected execution, er, death, of our highly regarded 2 year old stallion "Obama's Hope"; thus ending our horse racing dreams.  Ned is still recovering from the shock, and shocking laundry bill, arising from the demise of Obama's Hope... but Ned swears will  'get even' with The Don. Does this spell S-E-Q-U-E-L?

Starring Edward G. Robinson as Caesar Enrico "Rico" Bandello;  a small time gangster who seizes control of his criminal organization (Country?).  The film is often listed as one of the first full-fledged gangster films and is included in the Library of Congress Film Collection.  The trailer for "Little Caesar" can be seen on YouTube.  

The movie ends with a desperate, and alone, Rico retreating to the gutter from which he sprang and hiding in a flophouse.  But Rico becomes enraged by negative newspaper stories about him. He foolishly telephones (tweets) to the cops to announce he is coming after them. But 'Johnny Law' guns him down and Rico, dying, utters his final words, "Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?"

With respect to the classic

1931 Warner Brothers movie:






"This 'Mother' has NO mercy, and this IS the end of

Puerto Rico!"