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Satire Since 1993

Exclusive to the World Headline News

July 25, 2018   •   Issue 107

Almost Washington State (WHN) U.S. President Donald Trump declared VICTORY in Helsinki following his on-on-one meeting with Vlad M.R. Poutine, the infamous French-Canadian posing as the 21st Century Russian Tsar.  Despite the "nattering nabobs of negativity" [EDITOR:  Thank you Spiro Agnew; Nixon's VP prior to resigning due to scandal] within America's main stream media (MSM), CIA, NSA, NATO allies, and others, President Trump continues to claim great (unknown) things were accomplishment with Poutine.  Indeed, the 'bromance' has continued to build as Mr. Trump continues to tweet his admiration for the "very, very strong" Poutine who was "extremely strong" in denying meddling in the 2016 American Elections (despite extensive evidence to the contrary) both in Helsinki and later in an interview with Sean Hannity on FOX semi-NEWS.

But never one to let press coverage, good or bad, to go to waste, the White House announced today that President Trump has authored a new book (according to a source in the Kremlin, it was ghost written by Mr. Poutine) following the Helsinki Summit entitled "The Manchurian President".  Based on Mr. Trump's election campaign and Presidency to date, the easy to read chapters contain no more than 140, er, 280 characters making it accessible to the average Trump supporter.  But, if you can't read, "NO PROBLEM"!  The Manchurian President is now also a scintillating new American, nay, WORLD Reality Series.  Produced by Ned Ander-Thal (see "How the Kardashians Saved Christmas") this reality series follows the zany daily antics, quips and tweets of America's Cheeto President.  Hilarity (NOT Hillary) ensues for all... except for NATO Members, former Soviet vassal states, and other countries not ruled by despotic leaders.

What's next for this overachieving President?  It's on to build the  Moscow Trump Tower.

The Helsinki Collision

FOX semi-NEWS host Sean Hannity warns Americans about FAKE TRUMP NEWS following his recent visit to Mar-a-Lago, Florida.   Exclusive screen Capture by WHN Television Viewer Ned Ander-Thal


Freezes Over!


Leaked Photo Shows Poutine's Moscow Parade Celebrating Trump's Election


CIA Reports One Small Problem:  It was held October 31, 2016

Vlad M.R. Poutine of Canada Russia celebrates American Dependence Day 2016 in Moscow's famous RED SQUARE with fellow Russians.   Exclusive Photo smuggled to the WHN Russia Bureau's Nedovitch Ander-Thalovitch via literal drop deads (typical outcome for Russian reporters who cross Vlad the Impaler) and a Russian Mail-Order Bride (google it...). [Congratulations Nedovitch!]  

Almost Washington State (WHN) In a WHN EXCLUSIVE, photographic evidence has been obtained confirming the Pro-Trump desires of the Tsar, er President, of Russia in 2016.  In the photo, Vlad M.R. Poutine, according to some sources an infamous French-Canadian only posing as a Russian,  is seen marching with other Muscovites celebrating "The Donalds" electoral college win.... on October 31, 2016.  Former Obama Director of National Intelligence James Clapper and former Director of the CIA John Brennan "unscrupulously" (per White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders) point out that the America election was not held until November 8, 2016. Presidential Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders further stated, "President Trump rejects these findings of former "intelligence" officials and states that it is simply a matter of the international date line.  Sad that Obama's intelligence officials can't figure out something as simple as the date line.  And speaking of date lines, the President denies that he ever crossed the line when dating... even when he was married.  He knows nothing about payments made by Michael Cohen, who the President thinks he only accidentally met with once or twice in the elevators of Trump Tower." Mr. Poutine further supports 'his' President by stating, "Some confusion is sure to arise between the use of the Gregorian versus Julian calendars...  In fact, depending on the calendar used, I think the 2020 elections have already been held - Congratulations to Mr. Trump on winning your SECOND term! Now that Ivanka has retired her jewelry and clothing line, I look forward to working with President Ivanka in 2024-2032!"

Almost Washington State (WHN) Sean Hannity today warned his viewers, nay the World at large, about the perils of FAKE TRUMP NEWS, "So few people know the REAL Donald Trump like I do.  I wake up every day thinking of him, I go to sleep thinking of him and I dream about him.  Life could NOT  be bitter, er, better.  But some degenerates, typically those crazy college educated liberals, M&Ms [EDITOR, Mexican and Muslins], Canadians, English, French, German, Puerto Ricans, and all females but for buxom blonds, find nothing better to do than pick on our GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER."  Highlighting his concerns was a recent report published in the World Headline News in which Mr. Hannity states that an unflattering picture of Mr. Trump was used (see photo above or story).  Per Mr. Hannity, "Editor Ned Ander-Thal should have used the official Trump campaign photo [Editor: see photo above or story] that shows the virility and physical superiority of my man-crush Trump!"  Other issues addressed by Mr. Hannity in his recent opening monologue covered Trump's assurance that "My and Vlad's  "collusion of beliefs" have saved democracy in America" and Mr. Trump's concerns at to Bernie Sanders birth certificate ("Is he a 'natural' born citizen?"), Obama's support of NATO and German Chancellor Angela Merkel  ("I hear Obama loves all German Chancellors!") and the political bias of main stream media ("Ned ander-Thal is unAmerican cause he criticized me!") .  In late breaking news, MSM reports indicate that Trump's apparent collusion with Russia may help the Democrats in the 2018 mid-term elections.  In response, @realDonaldTrump and FOX semi-NEWS 'respectively' reported: "SAD! Lock-'em all up! Start with disloyal retired Lieutenant General James Clapper.  I like Air Force people who aren't grounded!"; and"Russia helping Democrats in 2018 election!"  

Mr. Trump has announced plans to have his personal lawyer, a Mr. Micheal Cohen, sue the WHN for slander.  The WHN will, if needed, be represented by Mr. Michael Avenatti; lawyer to all those wronged by Trump. In response to Mr. Hannity, the WHN released the following statement, "We stand by our recent photos of Mr. Trump.  Should he wish to prevail in court, we will insist upon implementation of a swimsuit contest [Speedo's only] so that a jury of our AMERICAN (No Ruskies allowed; Canadians, OK) peers can judge for themselves if we have slandered Mr. Trump."

Sarah Huckabee Sanders, in response to the WHN, stated, "The President is too busy to address the FALSE claims of the WHN.  He is busy doing important collusion-ish things like dismantling NATO, hurting American industry and farmers by imposing illegal tariffs, and doing genetic testing to find the parents of a couple of hundred lost children currently still held by ICE.  But I want to make one thing clear, the President is a fitness fanatic and one BIG hunk of a man.  I personally swoon every time I am with him."

TRUMP-PUTIN: Hugs - Kisses - Collusion of Values

Cover of Mr. Trump's NEWEST and BEST Book Ever!

Buy your copy today today for a mere $45 dollars; subject to a tariff of 25-50% as it is made with Canadian wood pulp paper and printed in China.   Exclusive Pre-Release Copy provided to the WHN's Literary Reporter Ned Ander-Thal.  

Give 1-Finger Salute To US Intelligence Agencies and NATO Allies