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Satire Since 1993

Blame Canada

November 6, 2016

Exclusive to the World Headline News

Exclusive WHN Report:

In a paper published in the esteemed Compendium of Really Amazing Politics (C.R.A.P.) Dr. Ander-Thal states, "The malevolent nature of Canada towards the United States will be seen as THE central feature of this years Presidential contest.  The initial Canadian threat was in the form of Mr. Ted Cruz, a Canadian posing as an evangelical, fundamentalist, Republican.  However, Mr. Cruz was a 'red herring', a devious misdirection of the American electorate.  No self-respecting American would ever think about voting 'Canadian'; except for those small-brained liberals...  Anyway, Mr. Cruz was NEVER meant by the Canadian Intelligence Service to become President.  Canada has been playing the long-game since 1898 when "The Donald's" grandfather Friedrich Drumpf (who had changed his last name to Trump upon immigration to New York City from Germany in 1885) travelled from Seattle to Skagway and then over White Pass (also known as Dead Horse Trail)  to Bennett, British Columbia.  In Bennett, "The Fred" as he was now known, opened the "New Arctic Restaurant and Hotel".  As noted in the C.R.A.P. article, the original Hotel in Bennett, and it's 'second coming' in Whitehorse, were the dubious and immoral basis of the Trump fortune.  Indeed, per Dr. Ander-Thal, "Family first was NOT a signature of the New Arctic Trump Tower, as a significant portion of the Trump fortune was derived from the illicit 'female companionship' that the New Arctic Hotel offered.  Something that the current Mr. Trump still has a keen eye (and lips and hands?) for."   But what about Donald J. Trump, would he have been successful without the Yukon Gold?  Using web-based analytic tools, Dr. Ander-Thal was able to confirm that, "Without the intervention of the Canadians, Donald J. Trump would be a retired plumber in Queens, NY.  It is only because of his Yukon gold, that he is able to keep his butt crack covered in $10,000 suits.  Americans should not blame themselves, but(t) should blame Canada."

Operation Beaver Tail

Historical records document that it was the illicit services of Grandpa Trump, and an 'unsatisfied visit to the New Arctic Hotel by future Prime Minister Laurier',  that inspired the 1898 REVENGE PLAN.  Still angry about his recent visit to the New Arctic, and 'maybe' the repeated invasion of Canadian territory by the United States [see the 1775 Invasion of Quebec by the US Continental Army; The War of 1812; The Patriots' War of 1837; and Fenian Raids (1866-71)], Laurier and other senior Canadian politicians devised the clever, but polite and very patient, plan Operation Beaver Tail.  The basic steps of the plan were to: 1) make Drumph, er, Trump, rich; 2) deport Mr. Trump back to New York;  3) wait for the prophesied "The Donald" to ruin the United States; and 4) Invade and conquer the United States.  

According to informed sources within the Canadian Military, Step 4 of Operation Beaver Tail involves a military thrust into the heartland of the United States.  Crucial to the success of the operation, is the pre-positioning of Canadian special forces within the United States under the disguise of 'snow birds' fleeing the cold northern climate. Indeed, WHN readers within the USA have reported large concentrations of R.V.s (cleverly disguised tanks; see photo below) in multiple locations including Phoenix, Arizona, Palm Springs, California, New York City and Sarasota, Florida.  Using USA-trained make-up artists from the film studios of Vancouver and Toronto, the Canadian special forces members have been cleverly disguised as 'aging retirees'.  The "GO!" signal for commencement of the military strike is said to be "Great Gretzky".  Prime Minister Trudeau has expressed utter satisfaction with the progress of the plan to date: "As a Canadian, and future overlord of the new lower 49 and upper 1 provinces of this great country of ours, I salute our past great leaders Prime Minister Sir Wilfred Laurier and Governor General Gilbert Elliot-Murray-Kynynmound, the 4th Earl of Minto.  Their ingenious plan will finally unite most of North America into the long envisioned Greater Canadian Commonwealth thus "Making Canada Great Again®".

Will A President Trump Backfire On Canada?

More recently, some individuals within the Canadian Secret Service have become concerned that the "Trump Card" so eloquently planned in 1898 might backfire.  The highly disreputable Burrard Street Journal (A "Canadian" news source) has reported that Mr. Trump stated in a Fox News report, "Giving Canada their independence was one of the biggest mistakes America ever made."  These comments have raised fears within the upper echelons of Canadian government to reconsider the final implementations of Operation Beaver Tail; namely the invasion of the American heartland (reported to be Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana and Texas).  Sources close to Trudeau have stated that Canadian forces may stop the invasion after occupying Washington, Oregon, California and New York - states very willing to be conquered should Trump become President.  Secret negotiations between Ottawa and confidants of future President Trump have suggested that this will be acceptable to the new President as it will ensure his re-election in 2020.  This agreement is further predicated, on one further condition: all buildings over 40 stories in Canada must be named in honor of Mr. Trump, pay a $100,000,000 naming fee and be managed by Trump Management.  This has already occurred in Toronto and Vancouver where Trump Towers® now dominate the skylines.  Saskatoon, you're next.    

Photo:  The original "TRUMP Tower" in Bennett, British Columbia, CANADA.  Donald Trump (foreground) can thank Laurier's 1898 secret plan "Operation Beaver Tail:  The Conquest of North America above the Rio Grande" for his run for the presidency.  Canadian Special Forces are currently prepositioned in the USA to create the Greater Canadian Commonwealth of North America.

WHN Analysis:

Canadian Special Forces "RV" tank.  Sighting have been confirmed throughout much of the USA.  Analysis of the turret suggests that the Canadian's have underestimated the firepower of the US militia movement.  Sources within the NRA state that the average pickup truck driver in Texas carries 10x more firepower than the disguised Canadian tank.  

Thank GOD (who, by the way, is American) for the Second Amendment.

Canadian Special Forces Tank?

Surrey (WHN)  While rumors abound as to Donald Trump's ties to Russia and Russian oligarchs, little attention has been paid to the real culprit behind Trump, Inc.  To bring the secret power and master plan behind the man and the myth to light, the WHN hired noted historian Dr. Ned Ander-Thal of the internationally renowned Histrionics Institute of Blame.  Dr. Ander-Thal has identified the origin of the world's number 1 fear (i.e., a President TRUMP) and his findings will astound you:  BLAME CANADA!

President TRUMP:  


If not for CANADA Donald Trump would

be a retired plumber in Queens....

Historical Fact:  The genesis of the Trump Fortune was indeed earned in British Columbia and the Yukon Territory in Canada.

For More Details Click Here

November 6, 2016   •   Issue 84