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Satire Since 1993

Hillary Is Dead??

September 16, 2016

Hillary Health CRISIS:

Brain-Numbing Mortuus Vivens Diagnosis

Against the protestations from the Clinton Campaign and the Democratic National Committee, future US Surgeon General (and current personal physician of Future U.S. President Donald Trump) Harold M. Bornstein, M.D., F.A.C.G has, following an intense 5 minute virtual examination of Ms. Clinton via VHS video, successfully and definitively diagnose Ms. Clinton's shockingly frightening health issues.  Per Dr. Bornstein, “I have been the personal physician of Mr. Donald J. Trump since 1980. Over the past 39 years, I am pleased to report that Mr. Trump has had no significant medical problems (outside of vixens erectus) and if elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.  I CAN NOT say the same thing regarding Ms. Clinton.  I was Ms. Clinton's third party reality show video physician for about 5 whole minutes and can say she will be, if elected, the unhealthiest President ever.  As shown in my diagnostic photo, Ms. Clinton is suffering from tertiary 'mortuus vivens'.  Only through the sad and devious efforts of PAID Democratic cosmetologists has this serious and INFECTIOUS condition been hidden from the American public.  While some people may be concerned that mortuus vivens is life threatening, do not worry, as Ms. Clinton has already died – she is just working through it.”  


Hillary Clinton is suffering from the dreaded mortuus vivens.  

Diagnosed by World Renowned Physician Dr. Harold M. Borstein, M.D., F.A.C.G.  

What is mortuus vivens?

To answer this question, the WHN consulted with Dr. Ned Ander-Thal, an internationally famous medical researcher and President of the MV Society of Forrest Lawn*.  Scientifically, per Dr. Ander-Thal, mortuus vivens (MV; or as its victims are often called vernacularly 'The Living Dead'; or even more crudely ZOMBIES!) is an acquired syndrome that is transmitted via the bite of an infected individual.  With disease progression the patients present with a lack of purposeful control over their actions, lethargic and fatigued movements (akinesthesia), loss of pleasure (anhedonia), general language dysfunction (aphasia), and memory impairments (amnesias). Crucially, the infected individual has an inability to suppress aggressive “fight-or-flight” behaviors and has suffers from severe hunger.  The characteristic appetitive actions of an MV patient are focused on obtaining and eating cerebral matter. Patients with MV often present with severe difficulty in recognizing familiar objects or individuals (agnosias) and persistent sleep disturbances reflected as chronic insomnia that results in a subsequent waking delirium state. MV patients also present antisocial behavior patterns (e.g., trying to bite or consume people brains thus transmitting the disease to new individuals) and these typically violent behaviors are strictly targeted at living humans. Surprisingly, MV infected patients exhibit very strong pro-social behavior toward other infected individuals, as evidenced by the clustering and 'swarm intelligence' of herds of infected individuals.  

However, MV can be difficult to diagnose in some situations.  Analysis of politicians demonstrates that they exhibit many, if not most, of the same symptoms as MV with the single exception of 'swarm intelligence'.  This latter finding was documented in both the House and Senate Republicans of the United States Congress over the last 8 years as NO evidence of 'swarm intelligence' was noted during this time despite Dr. Bornstein's assurance that Republicans are immune to mortuus vivens.

Surrey (WHN) America, indeed The World, is teetering on the edge of panic due to the dramatic health crisis afflicting the Democratic Candidate for President, Ms. Hillary Clinton. Despite the WHN's previous in-depth ogling, err, examination of Ms. Clinton's physical condition during the Democratic National Convention (see story), emergent events have undermined the confidence of the WHN and its readers with regards to Ms. Clinton claims of 'normal' health. The most recent evidence of this emerging health crisis became apparent on 911 as 911 was dialed following the collapse of Ms. Clinton at the site of the collapsed World Trade Center.

Future Surgeon General Dr. Harold M. Borstein, M.D., F.A.C.G.  Personal physician to Donald Trump for over 30 years.  He's the one who prescribes 'The Donald's' drugs....  

Doctored Photo

Un-doctored Photo

Mortuus Vivens - Does It Matter?

Surprisingly, the answer may be an emphatic "NO".  World Opinion (but not necessarily American opinion) is that despite bearing the blight of mortuus vivens, Hillary is still the better choice over 'The Donald'.  One marginally respected unnamed 'World Leader' (ok, the infamous yet regal Royal Bastard of Albania; so what if his family was deposed in 1939) was quoted as saying "... at least Hillary recognizes brains, 'The Donald' only recognizes buxom Eastern European blonds.... and his daughter....OK, so that may NOT be such a bad skill set...".   Democratic sources also feel that "it does not matter" though they have gone to great lengths recently to "humanize Hillary" as victims of MV often come across as 'inhuman'.  Republicans vehemently argue that it does matter and that " is better to have a narcissistic and  lying Republican in Office than anything the Democrats could ever offer.  Party First, Country (Club) second and USA somewhere down the line."   When contacted by the WHN, future President Trump would only say, "I prey for America!"  What will the American public think, we will frighteningly find out November 8.

*Forrest Lawn:  Internationally acclaimed cemetery in Glendale California.  'Home' to innumerable Hollywood celebrities.

The Royal Bastard of Albania

Former World Leader and Current International Playboy

It's Already Too Late For Hillary,

But Is It Too Late For America!

Exclusive to the World Headline News

Exclusive WHN Report:

President Hillary Clinton:  Searching for the Best Brains to Run America On

September 16, 2016   •   Issue 81