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Satire Since 1993

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World Headline News

August 1, 2019   •   Issue 118

Love It Or...else

Almost Washington State (WHN) August 1, 2019. “I have made America the greatest it has ever been! Now I’m going to make the World GREAT!”

With those humble words, President Tяump announced completion of his vision for the United States: “I’ve made this great country a UTOPIAN society in which all men, well, at least some men of proper ethnic vetting, and maybe a few select women like Ivanka, Kellyanne, and maybe Melania, can live free and prosper.”

Praise of Mr. Trump’s accomplishments have poured in from throughout the world. Senate Majority Leader ‘Moscow Mitch' McConnell agreed stating, “Trump is making sure that only the RIGHT people get to vote and only the RIGHT people get the big tax breaks.” Famed French-Canadian Vlad M.R. Poutine agreed, “I’m a big, very big, supporter of the big lunk.  I love what he’s done to the United States and now I look forward to what he will do to the rest of the ‘free’ democratic WORLD.  I may be… ‘russian’ …this, but I expect great things Il Trumpe.  I already have all my best people working to assure his 2020 re-coronation.”

However, although rare, pockets of resistance still exist in the United States.  A secretive group of women know as “The Squad” have dared to publicly challenge Trump, “While we love America, there are things that can be improved!"

A incredulous Mr. Trump hit back hard, “Improved? Impossible.  Didn’t they see my official edict that AMERICA IS PERFECT? They’re obviously crazy socialists!  I would say Communist, but my friend Vlad, doesn’t like me to say that “C” word. All ‘The Squad’ chicks want are government freebies, you know like health care and a living minimum wage for the poor and the middle class.  But you and I know that the poor and the middle class only exit to cover the costs of the very rich.... the ‘socialism’ I believe in is for the rich - tax breaks that make the rich richer and the US  bankrupt.  I learned all this at Wharton, a very tough school. ‘The Squad’ should go back to the squalid, crime infested, places where they came from! I SAY:  AMERICA, and soon the Trump World, LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT - and I personally would encourage them to LEAVE IT! SEND THEM BACK, SEND THEM BACK, SEND THEM BACK!”


Il Trumpe XLV: "The World is YUMMY now that I've put my special touch to it.  Just like in my beauty pagents, sometimes you just have to grab it by the %#!!& - and they let you do it because you're President.  Don't tell anybody, but I couldn't have done it without Vlad M.R. Poutine, my good  French-Canadian friend." .   PHOTO CREDIT: © 2019 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Almost Washington State (WHN) August 1, 2019. Loyal Trump supporters Moscow Mitch. (left) and Mikey (right) were given inside access to the Oval Office (named after the Mr. Trump's golden globe). A flabergasted Mitch gushed, "Man that Trump can spin not only a tale, but the whole World.  But he wouldn't be where he's at without that French-Canadian guy Vlad M.R. Poutine.  Vlad, while a bit of a mystery, is one hell of a fellow and has really helped out with the 2016 US elections.  He's practically one of us, God knows he ain't no Democrat.  In fact, he don't beleive in no democrat, or was that dem-o-crarcy.  Trump's our guy, and he also happens to be Vlad's guy... they make one hell of a team.  Trump said he and Vlad was 'russian' to change the world and that "The WORLD" would never be the same again...Them people who complain about us 1% gettin' a few billions more won't be allowed in this country of OURS or in this new WORLD of ours once the 2020 plan is implemented...."



One Chief Executive tweets:

"Everything I do is perfect and unchallengable."

Demonstrating a keen sensitivity to global climate change, Mr. Trump announced a bold new

"Green New Deal".

Per Mr. Trump, "As all of my closest friends know, I lover flowers... almost as much as I love non-disclosure agreements.  We can solve many of the world's problems by growing flowers - or having everyone sign NDAs.  Consequently, I have instructed the White House groundkeepers to grow flowers, lots of flowers. In fact, we've done such a good job that I am pleased to announce that I was awarded 1st Place by the South Surrey Horticultural Society.  Take that A.O.C." [EDITOR: A.O.C., Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-N.Y.]

It's Unpatriotic, and Treasonous, to Question My Vision of 'Perfect'

Loyal Trump supporters Mitch (left) and Mikey (right) shown in the Oval Office along with President Tяump and the man behind the throne, Vlad M.R. Poutine.  Mitch, known to close friends as 'Moscow Mitch', states he looks forward to 'russian' in and ridding America of  "those damn democrats who want to destroy the Republican way". PHOTO CREDIT: Ned Ander-Thal © 2019.


- Now For The REST OF THE WORLD....

Dear Donald and Moscow Mitch:



The 5 Day Work Week          Paid Vacation     Minimum Wage          Social Security

Employer Paid Healthcare          Public Education

Most  Americans (be they Democrats, Republicans, Independents or other) love America, both as it is and, of equal or greater importance, what it has the POTENTIAL to become.  Most people also recognize that there are things that could be improved - sometime we disagree on these changes, but the strength of America has been that we are allowed to disagree and, gasp (!), sometimes compromise....

Society, technology, and ethical standards evolve.  Does Donald Trump still want to live in a society that allows slavery, ride in a Model T, or encourage human sacrifices to the Gods? .... - ok, maybe he does want two of the three based on his recent tweets...

Americans must be open to change or we, and our system of government, will fail.

"We Ain't 'Russian' To Judgement, But There Ain't No Good Americans Who Are Democrats!"

Mitch and Mike, Trump Supporters

"My own personal 'Bite Size Tastes of Heaven' - You can't make America Great without GREAT NUTRITION!"

Donald J. Tяump



A subsidary of Poutine Foods

When contacted by the WHN, Senior White House Ground Keeper Mike Pencel stated, "Well, that's puttin' lipstick on a pig.  Ain't got no choice but to grow them 'flowers'.  Turns out that all my staff, as well as the ground keepin' staff at all the Trump golf courses, were hardworking illegals... that worked for next to nothin'.  Everyone was happy and them Immigration and Customs Enforcement (I.C.E.) showed up last Tuesday and rounded them all up and deported them to Mexico and a few to Scotland. The only good news was that they took Eric Trump as well because, to be honest, he was his Dad's least favorite kid and 'The Donald' just wanted him gone.  Anyway, they can't expect me to apply the RoundUp® and get cancer; much less mow the damn lawn in this heat... let Melania do it, I don't see her doing much around here and she claims to like gardening.  Let her "Be Best" at something...."

Meanwhile, the WHN has learned that Trump's golf courses have responded to the 'gardening crisis' by increasing the Par 3, 4, and 5 holes to Par 12, 18 and 25.  Hard to hit, much less find, the damn golf balls due to the changes in the grass length and weed growth on the fairways and putting greens.  When contacted by the WHN at his Trump International Golf Links course in Scotland, Mr Trump stated, "This change affects only our courses in the USA. We can still hire all the low wage illegals we want at our overseas properties - right Miguel, we hope you are enjoying Scotland - big change from Mar-a-Lago, huh?  Hey, 'Moscow Mitch', rake that sand trap out!"

White House Win Prestigious 2019 South Surrey Horticulture Award.  

The White House in Full Bloom: From Golden Blooms to Ethereal W.A.S.P.s of Love

Historical Note: In the 1850s pre-civil war period, "The American Party" (also known as the "Know-Nothings") rose to prominence in American politics.  The American Party platform blamed Irish and German immigrants for the rising crime and poverty rates.  It’s party members mostly came from working classes and had a strong anti-elitist and anti-intellectual bent.  They wanted to limit immigration and the influence of Catholicism, and employed ugly ethnic stereotypes to stir up hatred against the Irish and German immigrants.

Shockingly, despite the reasoned response of the President, some members of the FAKE Main Stream Media have called the ‘Dear Leader of America’ comments “Racist”. A visibly wounded President responded, “I am the least racist person there is anywhere in the world… What I’ve done for African Americans in two and a half years, no president has been able to do anything like it before…  In fact, I believe that the least races America has, the better it is.”  Support for the traumatized President has rolled in. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-California) stated, "We are the Party of Lincoln, how dare they call us racists.  We freed the slaves 150 years ago, and remember nothing could possibly change in 150 years..."  When WHN Political Reporter Ned Ander-Thal pointed out that in 1870 the Republican Party platform was for ‘voter expansion’ and ‘inclusion of minorities’, the suddenly traumatized Mr. McCarthy gasped, "You're kidding me right?  That won't work... it sounds socialist and would create an uneven playing field for us Republicans....”  Surprisingly, even ‘The Squad’ offered a supportive statement: “Trump HAS done ‘Lots of Things’ for Black people…..unfortunately, almost all of them are BAD things. Trumps tweets show we are in the throes of another ‘irrepressible conflict’ and he is the leader of the NEW ‘Know Nothings’." [EDITOR: see Historical Note below]

A clearly frustrated Mr. Trump fought back, “African-Americans, especially those in Baltimore, love me so much that they call me up all the time and praise me for all I’ve done.  Many blacks from Baltimore have told me, 'Sir, you're right to insult the city and Representative Cummings'.”  WHN sources within the White House have confirmed the truth of Mr. Trump’s claim, “Mr. Trump has received lots of calls of praise from the African-American community; but they were all from Ben Carson using an auto dialer and a Ronco Mr. Microphone® voice-changer.”

“I am not a Know-Nothing — that is certain. How could I be? How can any one who abhors the oppression of negroes, be in favor of degrading classes of white people? Our progress in degeneracy appears to me to be pretty rapid. As a nation, we began by declaring that ‘all men are created equal.’ We now practically read it ‘all men are created equal, except negroes.’ When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read ‘all men are created equal, except negroes and foreigners and Catholics.”

Abraham Lincoln

Trump Announces a "Green New Deal"

Steals A.O.C. Thunder

TRUMP 2020


and keep me out of jail...

"I Know Nothing"

They turn golden, just like everything

Trump Touches... and eats... fries anyone?

An EDITORIAL by Ned Ander-Thal