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Satire Since 1993

June 15, 2020   •   Issue 133

A Pandemic of Protests

The 'Annual' Bunker Inspection

Tяump: "A PERFECT A+ Inspection"

Tяump Makes HEROIC Decision To NOT Go Golfing

Almost Washington State (WHN) June 15, 2020. With the dog days of summer beginning to bear down on the nations capital, the Presidential election still a few months away, and no pressing domestic or international 'fires' to put out, President Donald Trump has taken it upon himself not only to fulfill the duties of the numerous 'retired' Inspector Generals but to also assure the readiness of the National Security facilities.

First up - The stately Man Cave known as the Presidential Bunker.  Located 5 stories beneath the White House, this one-of-a-kind Man Cave needs to be ready at all time to protect the President and his family from Russia, China, North Korea, Canada, Democrats, er the Antifa hordes.  

WHN EXCLUSIVE: The first Family inspects the White House Man Cave.  Well stoked with all the essential provisions (hamberders, KFC and kkk...caned water, the White House Bunker can easily withstand the most determined nuclear attack. However, concern has been raised as to its ability to withstand sustained Antifa attack. Mr. Trump' most precious artwork decorates the walls of the bunker. Unfortunately, the inspection uncovered one glaring issue - Melania glued the channel dial to CNN. Good thing the bunker is well stocked with Covfefe-19! World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

Almost Washington State (WHN) June 15, 2020.  Despite the Cherry Blossoms and the well manicured fairways (maintained by essential workers), Mr. Trump has bravely, according to White House Spokeswoman Kayleigh McEnany,  decided to forego his near-daily golf outing to address the George Floyd protests sweeping the nation. "despite sunny weather and temperatures in the upper 70's, Mr. Trump turned back from the golf course with tears in his eyes due to the George Floyd protests." Indeed, to support Ms. McEnany's claims, the White House released an official photo showing an obviously focused President turning back to the White House bunker.


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Of concern to Mr. Trump, when not used, or inspected, regularly Man Caves rapidly deteriorate into Metrosexual Caves making them an attractive target of and prone to Antifa attacks. .To address this issue, Mr. Trump took it upon himself to recently inspect his the White House Man Cave (i.e., bunker). When asked about the bunker inspection, Kayleigh McEnany stated" "As I've told the press corps when I took this job, I will never lie to you. I just want America to know that President Trump is the most perfect poltroon to ever occupy the White House. Thus, he was also the most qualified inspector to examine the Antifa-preparedness of the bunker. Especially since Lafayette Park was filling up with THOSE 'undesirables'." Using the secret elevator located in the Presidential toilet, Mr. Trump flushed the toilet 10-times to lower the first family into the bowels of the earth 5 stories beneath the White House. Together, the family sampled the saltines, kkk..canned water (obtained from a 'special' water fountain in Birmingham, Alabama) and ate hamberders and KFC. Mr. Trump has also made sure that a stock of his favorite beverage, Covfefe-19, has been sequestered in the Man Cave. "If we ever get baseball playing and if I can get the superglue of the TV tuner so that I can switch from CNN, I'll be tossing back a couple of these!" Stated the President. But beyond these nutritious delicacies, Mr. Trump has taken care to relocate America's artistic masterpieces to the Man Cave Bunker. As shown, a 2002 poster of Ms. Stormy Daniels can be seen smiling down at the President. "Best $130,000 ever - much cheaper than a prenuptial...." sighed 'The Donald'. Mrs. Trump is said to be less pleased about the "artwork" though Barron was reported to be admiring the "art".

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Mr. Trump bravely turns back to the White House Bunker, er, Oval Office to promote, despite his disdain for 'Con-cast', 'Law and Order' (NBC Television). Mr. Trump was reported to be crying "the fog, the fog, it hurts!' as he left the playing field World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

"Just like my coal miners, I am working underground!"

"On the golf course, white balls are best."

In speaking to WHN reporter Ned Ander-Thal, Mr. Trump stated,  "I mean it started off as a perfect day - coronavirus had been eliminated, I was leading Biden in my polls by over 300%, and Stormy gave me a call saying she was willing to work for another $130,000 cause Michael Avenatti had stolen the first $130,000. But things happen.  On the way to the 9th tee, I was overcome with a sense of nausea and I had tears coming down my cheeks and then it dawned on me - George Floyd. It was then that I thought of my hero and said, what does a hero do at times like this? They flee to their bunker. Plus, I couldn't really golf with the strange fog that rolled in... maybe I go to church to pray for sunny skies before I retire to the bunker...."


"There are times to play and times that you can’t play. It sends the wrong signal.... You know when you’re president you sorta say, like, ‘I’m gonna give it up for a couple of years and I’m really gonna focus on the job.’”

Biden Campaign Cries "Foul'

"We can't afford these types of ads!"

Almost Washington State (WHN) June 15, 2020.  During the chaos of early June, intrepid WHN reporter Ned Ander-Thal infiltrated the Washington D. C. Antifa paramilitary forces. During the courses of his 'investigations', Ned secured a new Armani suit, an Apple iPhone, and several designer neckties but, sadly, had to run away from the Foot Locker empty handed as all the size 11 shoes had already been looted. Disappointed, but still on the prowl, Ned focused his attention on the nondescript, and unguarded Trump 2020 Campaign Office located next to a bible laying on the ground next to St. John's Episcopal Church [Editor: located almost next to the Presidential Bunker; see story above].

While rummaging through numerous secret documents within the campaign office, all strangely in Russian, Ned discovered the new 2020 Trump Campaign ads. When shown the ads, a bewildered Joe Biden, Antifa General and presumptive Democratic candidate for President, stated: "What the hell? He has ads targeting all the key demographics. These ads will clearly STOP the protests cold.... How can my campaign compete with these ads - they sum up Trump's Presidency perfectly. America is doomed if he wins!" Mr. Trump has threatened to label Mr. Biden a domestic terrorist and "Barr" him from running in the coming election, "He has those new Nike shoes and can run much faster than me! UNFAIR!!!"

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