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Satire Since 1993


Ned's 2024 100% Guaranteed Predictions

January 10, 2024   •   Issue 182 (of 200?)

Ned's Explosive Predictions For 2024

Almost Washington State (WHN) May 4, 2024.

InFamous WHN Mystic Predicts The Major Events of 2024!

Ok, sure the Maple Leafs are/were a storied hockey team with 13 Stanley Cups, but when was the last time they won the Stanley Cup?

I'll tell you: 1967!

So, it is about time for the team to make a dramatic change. Ned predicts that, following a first round loss in the 2024 hockey playoffs, the team will immediately join the Canadian Football League (CFL)  and will power-play their way to the 2024 CFL Grey Cup Championship

under the leadership of freshman quarterback John Tavares. Bet of the Leafs to WIN in Vancouver, BC on November 17, 2024

Toronto Maple Leafs To WIN 2024 CFL Grey Cup

Strangely, despite all the revelations since the 2020 Election and January 6 insurrection, Mr. Trump's standing within the Republican party has increased.


Mr/Mrs/Ms. Republican?

Ned predicts that the rapid Republican 'goose-stepping' to the right will continue unabated as the 'MAGA-base' cements control of not only state organizations but the national party as well. Tump's current tally of 91 Federal Indictments, as well as his criminal and civil indictments in Georgia and New York, his guilty verdict(s) in New York civil trials, removal from the ballots in Colorado and Maine, and a host of pending indictments in other jurisdictions (on TOP of all his factually false, and unsuccessful, lawsuits and claims regarding voter fraud) has failed to reduce the fervor of Trump's cult members.  

Ok, so this was too easy a 'prediction' as it is already 96.732% completed.

USA Consumed By Trump's Legal Woes

[Not So Much A Prediction, But A Plea!]


Despite a plethora of candidates who declared for the 2024 Republican Presidential nomination, all but former Governor Chris Christie have refused to address the elephant in the room: Donald J. Trump. By failing to attack the integrity, and judicially, challenged Mr. Trump, the other candidates (again, except Mr. Christie) appeared to be auditioning for either the VP nomination or the 2028 Republican nomination.

As a consequence, one could argue that Mr. Biden might be facing a more difficult primary season against self-help guru Marianne Williamson and current Democratic Congressman Dean Phillips (D-MN) - both of whom WILL actively criticize President Biden.

However, Ned ( as well as Thelma at the laundromat) Predicts that a rematch of 2020 is at hand. Who will be crowned KING (or President) on

January 20, 2025?

The Not So 'Civil' War of 2024





Ned (Unfortunately) Predicts:

more of the same...

BOO! Subscribers and Innocent Victims want to know what this means... Does: 1) Biden win the popular vote, but loses the electoral college; or 2) Biden win both the popular and electoral vote and Donald tries to subvert the election (again) and foments an insurrection (again)?  Ned, just like Nostradamus, your prediction is too vague!




WHN EXCLUSIVE: Liberal use of the patented Ned's Mystical Delirium 20/24 Vision Juice allows the Mystic Ander-Thal to see fantastical visions of the future....

SHOCKING NEWS: However, Madame Wendora of the Fortune-Teller Association of South Surrey claims that the use of Prognostication Enhancement Drug (PED) cocktails, or 'Devil's Brew', to foresee the future is a violation of the Gypsy Code of Conduct!

And "we" thought the WHN was a drug-free workplace. SAD! © 2024 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Four years ago Ned used 20/20 Vision Juice, but now it's 20/24... and darker...

Sadly, Ned's prognostication

'juicing' [If you have a substance abuse problem, health professionals can help!]

yielded a horrifying vision of:

AMERICA 2024/5






Number One International Sport Rocked By Scandal

The wildly popular, and extraordinarily profitable, International Cornhole League (ICL) will be rocked by a cheating scandal in 2024. The ICL, unlike the newer American Cornhole Association (ACA), does not use bean bags but instead uses the traditional corn cob in competition. Ned foresees [following several gulps of Platte Valley Corn Whiskey] that the FUTURE 2024 Champions, the Hebron Corn Huskers of Hebron, Nebraska, will be caught using GENETICALLY MODIFIED CORN.  It is reported that the GMO Corn that has improved aerodynamics leading to higher rates of "Cob-in-the Hole".

However, due to the drunken stupor of the Judges, and cornhole players in general, the Cornhuskers will get away with the cheating scandal - though they will have really bad hangovers the next day....

Environmental Science - Bright or Blighted Future?


While Donald Trump and/or the Trump Organization already being found legally guilty of sexual assault and/or felony charges for falsification of business records, Ned predicts that Trump will still claim to 'SCORE A WIN'. Per sources at Access Hollywood, "It may cost the Trump Organization $370,000,000, but Trump will still 'WIN' in New York  .... just like he 'did' with E. Jean Carroll, Karen McDougal and Stormy Daniels ...because of his favorite attorney Alina Habba (or is that 'hubba, hubba'?; see birthday suit photo) and the fact that the Donald is a celebrity and, to many Republicans, still THE PRESIDENT!"

July 2024:  As Election Race Heats Up - So Does Climate

The 2024 ICL Championship will be held simultaneously with the selection of the Presidential Cornhole on

November 5, 2024 in Hebron, Nebraska!

Nebraskas Porch Swing Capital!


Cob-in-the Hole

Because Everyone Wants To BET BIG & WIN BIG, Right?

"Look! I won a new suit by a vote of


"I have a good lookin', er, ah, court case!"

"GREAT! In 2025 I'll likely have new Federally supplied housing!*"

* The White House or

the 'Big House'

Trump Will Claim To SCORE a 'BIG WIN'

In All Legal Cases

Despite the clear prospect of Mr. Trump occupying 'some form' of Federal Housing in 2025, Ned predicts that Melania will not be a presence in Washington D.C. Ned claims that Melania, "Vants to BE BEST und she BE BEST vhen she be away from Donny!".

However, just like in the Cornhole finale, Mr. Trump's supporters have 'drank the kool-aid' and will still vote for the Orange Felon, er, Mr. Trump in November regardless of his future housing plans.

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump and 'generic' supporter at recent court hearing. Trump: "They call this a court hearing?! I could hear a word because of all my supporters cheering me on. Bet you won't see that at Hunter Biden's court hearings!" © 2024 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

NED VISION EXCLUSIVE: Attorney General Rudy Giuliani will oversee the execution of Ned Ander-Thal's sentence.  Ned's future crime: the violation of a newly passed (January 21, 2025) Lèse-Majesté Law enacted by the GQP gerrymandered super majorities in the House and Senate designed to protect Mr. Trump from past and future impeachments as well as all past and future Federal and STATE charges.  Editor Ander-Thal will be the test case for determining the constitutional legality of the law.  In a 9-0 vote, a newly revamped Supreme Court, composed of Chief Justice Clarence Thomas and current Justices Samuel Alito, Brett Kavanaugh, Neil Gorsuch, Amy Coney Barrett, and the newly appointed Justices Lauren Boebert, Jacob "Qanon Shaman" Chansley, Ivanka Trump, and Mike Lindell, will reach their unanimous decision after a lengthy 8 minute debate. Chief Justice Thomas will state that the debate took so long because Justice Boebert had difficulty spelling "guilty" [is it 'gill-T' or 'gil-tea'?] while Justice Shaman, er, Chansley was polishing his horns and, after their morning beers, Justices Kavanaugh and Lindell fell asleep on the comfy pillows provided by My Pillow  - now the sole supplier of pillows, towels and linens to the United States and Russian militaries.... and Mar-a-Lago.

© 2024 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

$10,000 on the Hebron Cornhuskers!

They got a lot of swing!

$1 on the CFL Leafs!

They never win the

big one..






Ned's PED Aided Predictions On:

IS DEMOCRACY'             -Rated

in 2024

RIP Democracy

January 6

3rd Anniversary

of the

Trump Insurrection

A Day of Shame in American History


by the GQP

TRUMP FIRST, Nation ... fourth or fifth?

TRUMP'S ENVIRONMENTAL PLEDGE: Trump Praises The Prospect of YEAR ROUND GOLF in Nome, Alaska: "It will be great, the TRUMP Glacier Bay Golf Course will be laid out on the site of a former glacier - how cool, or should I say 'How Hot' is that. Now some people say that heat is bad - those people are democrats by the way, but I say it's great because you can play golf all year round.... And it will be a dry heat - not that humid crap like in Florida - it's so bad there that I refuse to stay there in the summer. Sure, in Alaska the winter the nights last like 23 hours, but I promise to build big, beautiful, coal-fired powered power plants to light up the golf links 24/7. Even better, this will eradicate the danger of caddie eating polar bears! How can that be bad?"

BIDEN'S ENVIRONMENTAL PLEDGE: "I like mowing lawns and smelling the roses, so I promise all Americans that they can have both a lawn and a rose garden.  This will be the cornerstone of my 2025 Infrastructure Bill. Now some, like Mr. Trump may take that grass and make it a putting green, but most Americans will enjoy it for what it it is: a wilderness refuge for gophers, worms, and croquet. BUT, and there is always a butt (I mean just LOOK at Trump's butt), some states will remain seasonably cold, even freezing! Moreover, there will be rain... but that lets the grass grow so that you can mow it for the fun and enjoyment that mowing brings.  Also the rain and grass lets cows eat which leads to more ICE CREAM. How can that be bad?"

Because They Want Us To Forget What REALLY Occurred...

Alina Habba Wikipedia



US Supreme Court Agrees to hear Trump's Challenge to his exclusion from the Colorado and Maine Ballots in February 2024



NY State requests penalty of $370,000,000 as fine following the Trump Organization's civil trial CONVICTION for business fraud.



The GQP is now claiming that Jan. 6 was a false flag, FBI led, operation and the LEGALLY convicted insurrectionist are 'hostages'.


Future Supreme Court Justice Jacob Chansley and America's Future, and last, Elected President

And Captured on the Exclusive WHN Mystical Delirium (MD) Camera!

A World Headline News