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Satire Since 1993

Exclusive to the World Headline News

June 21, 2018   •   Issue 106

Almost Washington State (WHN) U.S. President Donald Trump declared WAR on Canada following the recent G6+1 Summit held in Quebec, Canada. Trump and his loyal Cabinet minions deemed Prime Minister Trudeau as the new center of the infamous "Axis of Evil".  This surprising turn of events was precipitated by the clear radicalization of the Canadian Prime Minister as evidenced by his hateful and aggressive statement following the Quebec Summit when he addressed Trumps tariffs on Canadian steel and aluminum, "Canadians are polite, we're reasonable — but we will not be pushed around..." Such aggressive language by Canada is "NOT acceptable" to the USA stated Mr. Trump.  Sarah Huckabee-Sanders stated in a press briefing, "We believe that the Canadian Prime Minister has been radicalized during his foreign trips to Quebec, California, India and other places with strange foods. One can see this by both his strange mode of dress and his temerity to even question US actions.  We will destroy Canada. As noted by all the rest of the world, all  Canadians are smugglers, all they do is dare to enter countries such as the USA and buy goods and gas that do nothing but inflate the pocket book of Americans who, un-loyally, dare to live close to the border.  The President has instructed the Secretary of Homeland Defense Kirstjen Nielsen, fresh off her resounding success of incarcerating 3-5 year old Hispanic terrorists, to establish a demilitarized zone (DMZ) between the US and a rogue, out of control, Canada.  As Mr. Trump just demonstrated in Singapore, a DMZ has worked well on the Korean peninsula for over 60 years and should work on the American peninsula as well.  The USA will, of course, annex part of Canada in order to have easy access to Alaska.  Mr. Trump has established a beachhead in Vancouver using the local Trump Tower."

H-Bombs for Peace

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada celebrates an early Canada Day 2018 with a military parade in front of our WHN Toronto offices in order to showcase Canada's new nuclear weaponry.   Developed with the aid of Canada's close friend and ally North Korea, these weapons can reach at least as far as Mar-a-Lago Florida.   Exclusive Photo by Ned Ander-Thal

Consequent to American trade sanctions, a radicalized Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau restarted Canada's Chalk River Nuclear Reactor to produce plutonium for hydrogen bomb production.  Per Mr. Trudeau, "Only with a strong nuclear deterrent can peace be achieved with Donald Trump....  America were ok with, but we need to deal with "The Donald".  To jump start the long stagnant Canadian 'H-Bomb' program, Trudeau has worked closely with celebrated Nuclear Diplomat Kim Jong Un.  Fresh from his nuclear diplomatic success in Singapore, Mr. Kim provided Prime Minister Trudeau with 20 topflight nuclear scientists in exchange for 20 cases of Spam® (Hormel Meat-like Product) and season tickets to the NBA Toronto Raptors.  A ranting President Trump stated that the transfer of Spam® and Raptor tickets to North Korea was in clear violations of the U.N. mandated North Korea trade embargo thus "...proving Canada is a rogue state and a key member of the 'Axis of Evil'".  Sources within the Prime Ministers office have reported that Mr. Kim actually wanted season tickets to the Toronto Maple Leafs, but there are some things beyond the power of even the most despotic Prime Minister in Canadian history.  

To the astonishment of the Americans, Canada has made rapid progress in rearming its depleted nuclear arsenal.  The Chalk River Nuclear Reactor under the guidance of North Korean immigrant scientists rapidly produced sufficient plutonium to produce a minimum of two high yield hydrogen bombs.  To celebrate this achievement, the Canadian Nuclear Forces held a parade in Toronto that passed in front of the World Headline News offices (see photo).  Astoundingly, the parade has resulted in a thaw in Canadian-American relations (as predicted by Mr. Kim Jong Un).  As captured in the exclusive WHN photo, President Trump had snuck across the border to watch the parade [EDITOR: Trump is a known fan of military parades].  President Trump, despite previously calling Canada a rogue nation and threatening the country with nuclear obliteration, apparently gained a new found respect for Trudeau and Canada rated the parade of military might with "two thumbs up".  Per Mr. Trump, "Hey, it was a GREAT parade...  I like the marketing slogan of 'H-Bombs' for Peace -  good stuff.  I also like how Justin, a truly honorable and STRONG man, he's a boxer right, consolidated power via execution [Editor: we believe Mr. Trump confused the words 'execution' and 'election'] squads.  Maybe we can be friends again...  let me check with my good French-Canadian friend Vlad [Editor: Vlad M.R. Poutine, a shadowy figure currently residing at 1 Kremlin Place, Moscow, Russia]."

Meanwhile, rumors are circulating that Kim Jong Un is enjoying a 'working vacation' in Mexico...

... the salsa is HOT and so are the nuclear reactors.  Welcome back NAFTA?

USA Attacks Canada (Just like in 1812)

& European Allies  

(But Russia Is Safe)



The Canadian Nuclear Dream Realized

USA: A Radicalized Canada Must Be Stopped

Per American reports, a clearly radicalized Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has conferred with celebrated Nuclear Diplomat Kim Jong Un on restarting Canada's Chalk River nuclear reactor in order to produce plutonium for hydrogen bomb production.  Per Mr. Trudeau, "H-Bombs for Peace are crucial tools when negotiating with President Trump.  I think that is where he gets his hair color. As you can see, in the spirit of detente, I am trying to mimic his hair color as well... but I just have too much hair... so I have to cheat."  Photo by Ned Ander-Thal.

Late Breaking News!  

Canada unveils state of the art public defense measures to protect residents from American H-bombs.  

Shelters are for sale in the Vancouver and Toronto housing markets only.  Prices begin in the low $2,500,000's (15% Foreign Buyer Tax applies). Be the first on your block to support the H-Bombs for Peace Plan B.

The War of 1812 2018 Continues!