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Satire Since 1993


Defend, er, De-Fund, The FBI

August 24, 2022  • Issue 167

Almost Washington State (WHN) August 24, 2022. In a surprising event, multiple Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) agents serendipitously all chose to vacation at the Mar-a-Lago estate of former President Donald Trump on August 9, 2022. According to the FBI, the agents visits were individually prompted by confidential Yelp© reviews praising Mar-a-Lago's accommodations, pool and, most importantly, the newly discovered (hush! but secret) Trump Presidential Library!  

However, upon attempting to check-in, the FBI agents were shocked to learn that Mar-a-Lago is a 'MEMBERS ONLY' club with a membership fee of $200,000 and an annual fee of $14,000. Angered by the cost and the rude treatment from a dimwitted reservation clerk (later identified by his bite marks on one agent as one Eric 'The Unloved' Trump) who refused the request of the agents to have a 'look about' the estates facilities, the FBI agents utilized their legal expertise to obtained a search, er, 'look about' warrant. This was done solely to determine if the facility, especially the much praised Presidential Library, met their expectations before the agents purchased membership. One FBI Agent, Mr. Ned Ander-Thal, was less than impressed with Mar-a-Lago, "Hell, the pool was small and a bit on the cold side.  I had to grab at least 10-12 monogrammed towels to dry off after my swim. But the biggest disappointment was the 'Presidential Library'.  It was just boxes and boxes of papers marked 'top secret' just stuffed in cubby holes here and there, and inter-mingled with packs and packs of Costco® and Charmin© toilet paper.  Hell, if one wasn't careful, you could accidentally grab a handful of nuclear secrets to use as toilet paper.  The library facility itself was also not impressive.  It looked like Trump just took a dusty storage closet and renamed it 'Presidential Library' as one of his tax dodges... you know, like Ivana Trump's grave at the Bedminster Golf Course. In fact, we were so disturbed by the poor state of the 'Library' that we took the whole bunch of documents back to D.C. to a much better library at the National Archives. As a whole, I can't say I'd want to pay the $200,000 Membership fee.... but, my wife really did like the monogrammed Mar-a-Lago towels I brought home."

Despite the innocent nature of the FBI's vist to Mar-a-Lago, once the Presidential Library arrived in Washington D.C., the curators at the National Archives were shocked: "How did nuclear secrets and Charmin© toilet paper get all mixed together? What's Trump doing, flushing America's documents down the toilet?"

F.B.I. 'Vacations' At Mar-a-Lago

Trump: "They were rude and uninvited! They stole towels, broke into rooms, my safe, and then pilfered some of my White House souvenirs."

Almost Washington State (WHN) August 24, 2022. Despite the claims of the Democrats and the 'Deep State', 50 years of precedent (see Nixon v. Democracy; 1972) supports the innocence of former President Donald Trump in his ongoing battle with the National Archives, F.B.I., Department of Justice, and Weight Watchers.

We at Dewey, Cheatum and Howe have studied the current situation in-depth. Our findings conclusively demonstrate that in European Christianity, hence European-based democracies, the Divine Right of Kings, Popes, Presidents and, possibly, Prime Ministers (we're not sure about Mr. Trudeau) is sacrosanct as their power is derived from the mandate of God alone - LEGAL voters being merely flawed earthly vessels of God's desires.  Indeed, as noted by Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, Old Testament Teachings and English Common Law have recognized the "RIGHTS OF KINGS" for millenia while 'voting' is only a recent fad in governing.

Super Spy Donny's Mar-a-Lago Edition Mystery Mission Spy Case

Only available at TRUMP.CON for:

ACT NOW Before The FBI Blocks

The Website Domain!

Yes, my friends, it is true: today's high gasoline prices in the "LIBERAL" democracies are solely Sleepy Joe's fault... pay no attention to the reported 'effects' of the patriotic Russian invasion of Nazi Ukraine, record world oil demand, or OPEC's refusal to Biden to increase production...please also ignore the record profits by oil companies who have also shut down an unusual number of refineries for maintenance. It's Biden's boycott of Russian oil, gas and caviar that is the cause of inflation. If Trump were President (and, mind you, he still is the RIGHTFUL President), none of this would have happend. Biden is too busy riding his liberal unicorn to govern America. In contrast, the ever focused Donald Trump would have cheered on Mr. Putin's defensive war, bought MORE Russian oil, gas and caviar, and, in exchange for the heads of a few CNN and MSNBC journalists, convinced the Saudis to pump more oil.

Biden Destroys AMERICA'S Economy!

Guest Editorial By Fox 'News' Host:

#Tucker Carlson

Look around you, ONLY countries that have refused to submit to Biden's New World Order have been spared Biden's socialist gas price increase. You can buy cheaper gas in Venezuela, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, The Democratic Republic of the Congo, Russia and a very few other GARDEN SPOTS OF FREEDOM (FREE from expensive gas) around the world. I would even wager that gasoline prices are also cheaper in North Korea, but Kim Jong Un has not yet replied back to President Tump with his figures (obviously composing his love letters to Trump takes some time). The solution to expensive gas is NOT electric cars! The REAL solution is more, less efficient, cars burning more gasoline so that there is a proper profit incentive for oil producers to pump more oil. I feel sorry for Exxon, Chevron and other companies suffering from President Biden's underhanded release of cheap oil from the national reserve stockpile.

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Mr. Trump photographed waiting for the bus to Moscow (not the one in Idaho) at the Mar-a-Lago bus stop. Some in Mr. Trump's orbit suspect that the person sitting with Mr. Trump, now identified as a 'Mr. Gump', is actually an undercover FBI agent trying to entrap the President. In contrast, the Department of Justice is concerned that 'Mr. Gump' is an emissary of the mysterious French-Canadian Vlad M.R. Poutine. The contents of Mr. Trump's briefcase and 'Mr. Gump's' box is of particular concern to the DOJ attorneys who are, reportedly, hungry for a conviction.  © 2022 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Meet The Faces Of The "NEW" REPUBLICAN


Democrats Announce 2022 and 2024 Election Slogan!


"It's not illegal if the President does it!"


Per these millenia of legal precedence, the legitimacy of any government MUST rest on the unbridled authority of it's leader.  Hence, the retention of documents by Donald Trump, thought by many to STILL be the rightful President, can not be viewed as 'illegal' in light of the 50 year old Nixon Doctrine which states that "it can't be illegal if the President [or King, or Pope] does it!" WE AT DEWEY, CHEATUM and HOWE ARE CONFIDENT THAT THE US SUPREME COURT WILL NOT OVERTURN THIS 50 YEAR OLD PRECEDENT! Consequent to these fundamental findings, we are pleased to announce that the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe will now lead the Presidents defense team. At Mr. Trump's request, our first course of action will be to solicit donations for Mr. Trump's legal defense.  Minimum recurring donations of $500 weekly are requested. The first 50,000 donors will receive a Trump autographed (Eric Trump... sorry) copy of Roger Stone's pardon - once we get it back from the FBI.

So lets get back to when America was Great under Trump! GET RID OF LIBERALS AND LIBERAL DEMOCRACIES. Hungry, Turkey, Brazil, and now Florida have shown America how to govern.  America needs a STRONG leader and STRONG leaders can't be hindered by 'the rule of law' or 'liberal freedoms'. Republicans demand a ONE PARTY STATE so that America can be FREE:  FREE from masks, FREE from vaccines, FREE from abortions, and FREE from liberals.  But most importantly, as a land with FREE GUNS AND FREE AMMO!

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Carlson: A confused and unfocused 'less-than-average' Joe riding his AOC unicorn instead of dealing with real American problems like caviar prices. © 2022 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Do YOU Want To Be A


Just Like MR. TRUMP?

Well, Now YOU Can Be!

!!In response to the National Archives, an indignant Donald Trump stated: "Hey, the top secret papers and toilet paper were mixed together on purpose!  Remember, my middle name is 'JOHN', and I know 'JOHNS'! Also remember back to 2020 when there was a national shortage of toilet paper! I, without the help of Fauci, came up with a truly brilliant scheme to solve America's toilet paper crisis.  In Washington D.C. we have warehouses of used paper sitting around. Now, I know from personal experience, that a sheet of 'nuclear missle specifications' is not as soft on the tush as Charmin©. So I came up with an initial 50:50 formulation of 'top secret' papers and Charmin© and named it "Top Secret Sh#& Paper" (TSSP). My plan was to give it out FREE to Americans along with new Covid Stimulus checks in my second term.  The beauty was that TSSP also addressed the national document storage crisis: too much paper, not enough warehouses. But the Democrats poo-poo'ed the idea and then stole the election. But, because of my love for America, I was not deterred. Using  TSSP along with MY highly efficient and  patented 'Flush-o-Matic Document Disposal System', we could flush away the worries of no more T.P. while also solving America's document crisis. What the FBI is calling my secret 'Presidential Library' is actually my development lab where I tested various formulations of TSSP with the 'Flush-o-Matic' disposal system. I can report, that I favor a blend of 40% 'top-secret' documents with 60% Charmin©.  Jared on the other hand, being a 'softy', only likes 20% 'top-secret'... but strangely he still took the other 20% of the 'top secret' raw material and recycled it with the Saudis earning himself a cool $2,000,000,000. Talk about deal making!"

In support of Mr. Trumps declarations, the WHN has obtained an exclusive photo of Mr. Trump using TSSP on the 'Flush-o-Matic Document Disposal System'.

However, despite all the evidence supporting Mr. Trump's testimony on the origins of the 'Presidential Library', the Biden Administration has implied more nefarious motives for the trove of government documents found in  the 'Presidential Library' and safe at Mar-a-Lago. Attorney General Merrick Garland has asked Mr. Trump, "Did you squeeze the secrets into the Charmin, or did you squeeze money out of others?" Mr. Trump, despite previously stating"Only mobsters plead the fifth!" simply replied: "I plead the fifth... Will no one rid me of these bothersome FBI agents? I'm looking at you Proud Boys! Oh, and Ned, I want my Mar-a-Lago towels back! I'm sending my people to 'collect' them - one way or another...."

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Mr. Trump testing TSSP with the prototype of the 'Flush-o-Matic Document Disposal System'. Per Mr. Trump, "It's a game changer... but it helps to have greasy burgers and fries before using it.". © 2022 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Shortly after his interview with the WHN and FBI, a photo of Mr. Trump was captured at the posh Mar-a-Lago bus stop waiting for the next bus to Moscow (reportedly NOT the one in Idaho). There, Mr. Trump was observed chatting with a 'Mr. Gump'. Conflicting reports exist as to whether Mr. Gump was an undercover FBI agent (likely seeking Mar-a-Lago membership) or an emissary of the mysterious French-Canadian Vlad M.R. Poutine. The contents of Mr. Gump's box is also of interest to the FBI.

WHN EXCLUSIVE: 'The Don' of the Trump Crime Family proudly showing off his personal safe,  "When I was President I had the Fort Knox vault moved to Mar-a-Lago! TSSP was top secret sh#& and I needed a secure place to store the early formulations." © 2022 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

See Special Offer Below!

NOTE: Spy Kit is subject to seizure by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Owners are subject to espionage charges

and an all expense paid vacation at lovely Guantanamo Bay*...

*'s now nicer than Desantis's Florida!

"We Democrats are not perfect, but the other party has gone completely insane! Keep sanity, not Hannity, in American Government!"

Gasoline: $5 a gallon in the United States, $7.75 in Canada, $6 in South Korea, $7.65 in Germany, $8 in Italy, $9 in the Netherlands and $10 per gallon gas in Denmark and Norway. WHY is this essential fluid so expensive in some countries but not others?




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Dear Subscribers and Innocent Victims: Due to a supply chain shortage of electrons, the WHN failed to publish in June and July (and ALMOST August). Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately for you the reader, we uncovered a stash of electrons in between the cushions of our sofa.

Funny where people stash things!

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