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Satire Since 1993

Gravel Roadkill

WHN EXCLUSIVE: In a planned 'accident', Kevin McCarthy was 'retired' as Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives by his close GQP colleagues. Led by 'backseat' driver Matt Gaetz, and cheered on by Nancy Mace, a sad, yet visibly jubilant, Jim Jordan began chanting, "My precious, you WILL be mine!" while staring at the Speakers gavel still held in the cold dead hand of now former Speaker McCarthy. Mr. Gaetz stated that "McCarthy doesn't have a ghost of a chance at resurrection. He is no Donald Trump who has proven he can rise from the political dead. Now back to my dreams of 'educating' 17 year old interns." © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News


Almost Washington State (WHN) October 24, 2023. In a MAGA fit of madness, a small group of 8 Republicans in the US House of Representatives voted to vacate (fire) Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) on October 3, 2023. Following the revolt, a tearful McCarthy stated, " I don't know how they ran me over, I thought I was wearing my Jordans. What? Jordan was driving the clown car and Nancy Mace sprayed me with mace!?"

Subsequent to his firing, MAGA Republicans expressed confidence that they would rapidly fill the position with a stellar MAGA-Republican member of Congress. However, when no stellar Republican was found, House Majority Whip Steve Scalise and House Judiciary Chair Jim Jordan were eventually put forward as candidates. In a hotly contested vote, Mr. Scalise prevailed, but was again skewered by the MAGA Mob, who announced opposition to his candidacy. Mr. Scalise, lacking Santo-esque self-delusion, rapidly abandoned pursuit of the post leaving Mr. Jordan as the new GQP contender for the gavel. Despite Mr. Jordan's repeated outreach to moderate members of the GQP  ["Vote for me and your family is safe... I would hate to see what bad things could befall them if you cross me... McCarthy crossed me, well my golf cart, and you see what happened to him..."] he too failed to obtain the necessary majority after two, no, THREE rounds of voting. Seeing no route to victory, Mr. Jordan ceded the clown car steering wheel to another round of 8-10 hopefuls.  

When leaving the Capital building, a dejected Mr. Jordan stated, "If nothing else, just like 2020, this vote has proved to Republicans that elections do not work.  We need leaders who step in and TAKE power. Leaders who don't let the wrong voters get in the way of doing what they want. I blame the Demo-rats for why I'm not House Speaker... they could have, and should have, voted for me. Look at all I've done to them and the Biden Crime Family!  But don't worry, I'll get even... I AM Chair of the Judiciary Committee and we will be investigating them all. I'm putting Representative George Santos in charge - he says he was a 'persecutor', er, prosecutor, in Brazil."

Congressional Democrats are rumored to be cowering in fear of Investigator Santos (according to Investigator Santos). However, the WHN is unable to confirm this rumor as, without a Speaker, the House is not in session. We can report, that empty champagne bottles were found outside the Democrat conference room following the final defeat of Mr. Jordan. By chance, we happened across a rather inebriated Democratic Representative who, requesting anonymity, stated:"It is amazing, the GQP is playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun as they cycle through replacement contenders."

October 24, 2023   •   Issue 178 (of 200?)

Exclusive to the

World Headline News

McCarthy Retired As

Speaker of the House of Representatives

NY State Trump Fraud Case Explained

TRUMP: “The banks got paid, the insurance companies got paid!” and “ the way, I should add, it says in the contract, don’t go by our valuations because [lenders] have a fiduciary responsibility to do their own fiscal valuations. You’re not gonna take the word of somebody that wants to borrow that kind of money. That’s insane.”

Ned's Common Sense Legal Lessons 101:


The banks do not have access to your books, that's why you have to submit a full financial disclosure when applying for a loan. When you file the paper work you are attesting to the TRUTH of the information you provided. You cannot simply add a rider to that contract response saying, in essence, that your response may be a lie, despite attesting to its truth, and that the bank should not trust it.

Senator Melendez (D-NJ) and 'Gold-Digger' Wife State:

"You can't trust banks or laundromats!"

2024 GQP Presidential

Nomination Race UPDATE

Almost Washington State (WHN) October 24, 2023.  While the first primaries have yet to be held, smart money at GQP Downs has Trumpassosaurus rex as the heavy favorite. Colloquially known as the 'Trumpass' (to differentiate him from the extinct, democratic, T. rex) he rose to racing fame in 2016 with his surprising win and is now trying to recover the title it lost in the 2020 finale of 'The Amazing Race'.

According to handicapped WHN racing form wizard Ned Ander-Thal, "The Trumpassosaurus rex is already killing the competition.  If you look closely, the 'Trumpass' has already devoured the left leg of his former running mate Mike Pence [EDITOR: third from left, with symbiotic fly on head and missing left leg]. It is my appraisal that the 'Trumpass' will continue to feed on the rest of the field and we will see more contenders disappear from the field.  There are already questions as to what has happened to former Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson and Miami Mayor Francis Suarez. However, there are rumors that the 'Trumpass' held a fusion banquet of Arkansas Possum Pie and deviled crab croquetas at his Mar-a-Lago Game Preserve." Former Vice President Mike Pence's spokesperson Martin McFly confirmed that Mr. Pence (or his campaign) is hemorrhaging, "He's bleeding badly! He did say that he would give his left, but not RIGHT, leg for a campaign cash, the blood of campaigning, infusion...."

While most of the other competitors so far appears, at best, weak or, at worst, moribund, former Governor Chris Christe, who is running to the Trumpass's right (Editor: first on left) and, unlike most of the field, is in favor of preserving the American Constitution, is however, willing to attack the 'Trumpass' while most other candidates appeal is centered on being mini-'Trumpasses'. Butt, and Mr. Christie does have a big butt, according to Mr. Ander-Thal, "Mr. Christie, you make good cookies, but an unappealing candidate to the MAGA crowd. Your belief in the constitution and democracy are not appreciated by the GQP base. It makes you sound like a Democrat."

The ever hungry Trumpass, looking beyond the GQP Downs roadkill, has recently focused his voracious appetite on the California electorate: "I've heard it California, or as I like to call it, Sodom and Gomorrah, is overrun with a pestilence - demo-RATS! Now, as a non-drinker, I blame the scourge of demo-RATS on wine.... many people have told me that Sodom and Gomorrah is flooded with wine, or as we hear in Mar-a-Lago, WHINE. But they have no water. That's why their forest are burning and hundreds of thousands of people are fleeing the state to God's greener pastures - places like Waco, Texas; Tulsa, Oklahoma; and Biloxi, Mississipi. IF they vote for me, I have the power to turn that whine into water. More water then they can ever imagine. All the currently dry canals will be brimming and used to irrigate everything, including their homes and bathrooms and everything -  they're going to be happy and I'm going to get it done fast [EDITOR: just like 'THE WALL' and Mexico is going to pay for it!] I will dampen their forests because if you dampen the forests, you're not going to have forest fires that are burning at levels that nobody's ever seen before."

WHN EXCLUSIVE: GQP Presidential candidates vie to win the nomination race at the Iowa fairgrounds. Like horse racing, Presidential Primaries are often a 'blood sport' with deaths commonly occurring during the race. The favored 'Trumpass' is the overwhelming favorite and, due to his voracious appetite for red meat, is expected to devour the field well in advance of the 2024 Republican convention. © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Victim of GQP 'Hit & Run' and Mace Attack Expected to be Permanently Disabled

2023 Legal News UPDATES

Grossly inflating assets to get loans that you don't qualify for is a crime - even if you eventually pay off the loan. Similarly, grossly devaluing the same assets in order to pay less taxes is also a crime - with real monetary costs to the taxing agency (and ultimately other taxpayers). These are in fact, "material misrepresentations, concealed facts, and material omissions” that underlie most fraudulent banking/rel estate crimes.

The court has already ruled that the Trumps (Don, Don Jr. and Eric) and the Trump Organization did both. The current trial is now determining the fine and any penalties that the entities will be charged for breaking the law.  Because this is a civil crime, no jail time is at risk, just financial risk. The state is asking for upwards of $250,000,000 as well as barring the Trumps from doing business in New York State. They are already banned from running charities in New York state for their previous fraud involving the Donald J. Trump Foundation which was dissolved in 2018.

Mr. Trump's complaints that the trial is being determined by the judge only (i.e., no jury) is also his fault. Trial by Judge are common in civil trials where the parties can choose between having trial decided by a judge or a jury. Either the prosecution or defense MUST request a trial by jury otherwise civil trials are decided by the sitting judge. Mr. Trump's legal team FAILED to request a jury trial within the timeframe stipulated by the law.

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Haven't gone to Law School? Well, neither has Ned, but just like a lot of Trump's now disbarred lawyers, Ned is now offering legal advice. © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News


GEORGIA Election Interference Case

In December 2020, 'still' President Trump discussed appointing Ms. Powell as a Department of Justice Special Counsel to investigate voter fraud in an attempt to bolster his efforts to delegitimize the election before the counting of the electoral votes on January 6, 2021. At the same meeting Trump considered declaring martial law and having the military sieze voting machines to further the narrative of an "illegal" election. However, perhaps due to the abject failure of her earlier 'Kraken' lawsuit Mr. Trump did not inflict this injury on to the American legal system. Instead Mr. Trump enlisted Mr. Kenneth Cheseboro to assemble fake elector slates in multiple battleground states (including Georgia) and to convince Vice President Pence that he should reject the OFFICAL Electors ballots from battle ground states and send the election to the House of Representatives where Republicans (led by Speaker Designate Jim Jordan and Speaker Destroyer Matt Gaetz) could overturn the 2020 election in Mr. Trump's favor. Jenna Ellis was the (we assume) sober half of the Giuliani-Ellis judicial tag team responsible for filling incomprehensible and legally dubious lawsuits in Federal and State courts - all of which were rapidly denied.

When asked for comments, Mr. Trump's campaign stated: "Mr. Trump denies knowing any of these individuals. It is clear that these individuals must be ANTIFA instigators. Mr. Trump is a deep believer in elections that he has won... and he has won them all in the biggest and best manner ever seen... except in Russia and North Korea where Putin and Kim Jung Un are even more popular with their electorates."

Almost Washington State (WHN) October 24, 2024.  On October 19, 2023, Lawyer Sidney Powell, a key member of Trump's Elite Strike Force, surprised Mr. Trump and many others by agreeing to plead guilty to six misdemeanor counts of conspiracy to commit election interference in Fulton County Superior Court. This 'shocking' admission of guilt was rapidly followed by the GUILTY pleas of Kenneth Chesebro, who directed Trump's 'FAKE ELECTORS' schemes in multiple states and Jenna Ellis's who made and abetted false statements to the court and Georgia legislature. All three lawyers were central to Donald J. Trump and Rudy Giuliani efforts to use the courts and the US House of Representative to overturn Mr. Trump's 2020 election loss. As a condition of the GUILTY pleas, all three lawyers must TRUTHFULLY testify in the ongoing prosecution of the remaining 15 defendants - especially a defendant with the name of Donald John Trump.

Almost Washington State (WHN) October 24, 2024.  Witch hunts are, apparently, not just for Republicans. For the second time, Senator Bob Menendez and his much younger 'gold-digger' wife Nadine Arslanian have been indicted on Federal charges - largely because of the $500,000 in cash and numerous gold bars discovered in the couple closet during a FBI raid of the couples residence.

WHN EXCLUSIVE: 'The Trumpass' promises to end California's suffering: "IF they vote for me I'll turn wine into water, IF they don't vote for me, I will let loose a plague unlike any other ever seen before. Either way, I SOLVE California's problem." NOTE: Text in white is actual quote of Donald Trump in a speech given on September 29, 2023. © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News



WHN EXCLUSIVE: Trump's "ELITE STRIKE FORCE" Legal Team during a typical brainstorming meeting. Mr. Giuliani in particular is noted for his hard thinking - which occasionally results in the release of a brown cerebral matter.  According to medical experts, this photographic evidence suggest that Rudy has "... sh#t for brains".  World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Sidney Powell was the FIRST domino to fall in the Georgia Election Interference Case.  World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

However, Senator Melendez state that it is all entirely explainable: "I grew up in a Cuban household and we didn't use banks because the communists would steal our money, so I keep money, like squirrels keep nuts, cached in hiding places like my closet.  The gold bars are also easy to explain. I use to keep my cash and gold in my socks, but this frankly ruined a number of good pairs of 'gold toe' socks.  And, as you can see, both my wife and I are fastidious dressers - a deformed socks suck. I could take the socks to the laundromats in Washington but they are expensive and in New Jersey they are run by the mob. So to keep our clothes, and especially my compression socks, both clean and pressed, we go old school by washing them at home and then use gold bars to get that crease that we so love.  Because we use Egyptian cotton, we have found it necessary to use Egyptian gold to press them. My much younger wife is such a gold-digger that she was able to find us Egyptian friends who have been so kind as to provide us with Egyptian gold for the Egyptian cotton socks.  Unfortunately, I have LOTS of socks, so I need lots of gold and Nadine has been fantastic at digging the gold... they even gave her a Mercedes to haul the gold!. WHAT A WOMAN."

Surprisingly, former President Trump has rushed to the Democrat's defense: "I feel for Bob. The FBI raided my closets as well and found my secret stash of toilet paper that, as a ecologically minded individual, I had handcrafted out of 'mentally declassified' super top secret documents. My only difference from Bob is that I like to sit on a gold throne as I find it compliments my bronzing cream. Also, I press my socks between stacks of indictments.... and I do have a lot of socks and, fortunately, lots of criminal indictments. Now, some people say that Nadine is a gold-digger - as if that was a bad thing.  All of my wives have been gold-diggers but none have been as hard working as Nadine. Nadine went out and FOUND the gold to be dug. She, not Bob, was the driving force in acquiring the lovely Egyptian sock presses that the FBI found in their closet. I could only hope that Melania would bring in more than she costs me in maintenance..."

A 'dirty' New Jersey Politician? Well, that makes sense ONLY if he and his spouse are snappy dressers, have a pathological fear of laundromats, and love Egyptian cotton!

Almost Washington State (WHN) October 25, 2023. In a surprise (?) move, the GQP pointed their fully loaded Russian Roulette gun at the American Constitution and elected Rep. Mike Johnson (R-LA) as Speaker of The House. In 2020, the newly elected SPEAKER was a key architect of Trump's electoral college objection in the attempt to cancel the 2020 election and send the election to a House vote. At the time, Mr. Johnson called the vote rigged and spread bizarre conspiracy theories about communist-controlled voting machines. Despite this, Mr. Johnson received UNANIMOUS support from the Republicans.  Speaker Johnson is an opponent of aid to Ukraine, has frequently sponsored anti-abortion bills and is against same-sex marriage. Importantly, the House Speaker determines which bills will come to the floor for a vote.

UPDATE: Republicans ELECT A Speaker