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Satire Since 1993

January 6, 2023   •   Issue 170

Exclusive to the World Headline News

Read Issue #1 of the  World Headline News

"I knew all this would happen!"

VS.

!SEE THE EVIDENCE!

Ned Ander-Thal

EDITOR, WHN

Almost Washington State (WHN) January 6, 2023. When the World Headline News inaugural edition was published in January of 1993, no one anticipated that it would still exist in 1994, or 1995, or 1996, or.... well, gasp (!), 2023. But over the past 30 years, the WHN has become the 'BASTARD' ('Alexa' says that's Albanian for 'Bastion') of journalism in Albania and, now, Almost Washington State (Surrey, Canada).

Despite my deep shame for my past association with Mark Scott, the original Editor of the WHN, I am pleased that my WHN has served a critical role in educating not just Albanians, but Americans and Canadians as well. We at the WHN are especially proud of our Photography • Art Department  which has captured many truly exclusive moments of news, nay, of history!

2 Time Winner

SEXIEST JOURNALIST

ALIVE

Following String of Embarrassing Election Lawsuit Defeats, Trump To Sue WHN

Superior, Low Cost, WHN  TRUMP CARDS at Issue

WHN EXCLUSIVE: The WHN, in conjunction with Dewey, Cheatum and Howe Law Firm, has uncovered conclusive evidence that Donald J. Trump is a cereal litigator. © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Samples of the grossly overpriced OFFICAL TRUMP NFT TRADING CARDS. Originally offered at $99 (US) per card, these digital NFT (non-fungible token) digital trading cards are not the quality of investment that savvy WHN readers would invest in. While clearly inspired by the true adventures of Donald Trump, these cards only reside as digital art. While you may have missed out on these cards, you can still WIN by buying WHN NEVER TRUMP NFTs. © 2022 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

NEVER


While the upcoming legal battle is likely to take years to reach the Supreme Court, the WHN reached out to the legal minds at the law firm of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe for their opinion on the likelihood of success of Mr. Trump's pending suit. In an opinon from the law firm, they stated: "We is some of the bestest brains around in da law biz, and we's thinks dat da Former Guy, ain't got a snowballs chance in Greenland of winning.  Which of course means dat a snowball is doin' ok in Greenland, so maybe he can win.  But, on da udder hand, wit global warming, his goose is maybe cooked, along wid da snowball. Dat Alito guy, likes to gut things... like fish ROE, so the goose could be gutted, or da snowball could be gutted - but I ani't never seen a gutted snowball, so, we tree tink dat cousin Ned is gonna win, or at least lose. But we gotta say, dat Trump has got some crazy huevos, or are those snowballs, for filling lawsuits.  We's all tanks he is juice'n' on dem Trump Cuckoo Crazy Lawsuit Bites© dat he sells along wit dem TrumpCards. We's tanks he is clearly a cereal litigator.  Moreover, dis evidence suggests that dis litigation is ILLEGAL in Federal Courts cuz of da HIGH THC content of his pleadings.  Indeed, da people I know are "Q"uerying what he has been eating, smoking or snorting when filing dem lawsuits.  If you see him wit a bag of Ruffles, I tank we knows..."

Almost Washington State (WHN) January 6, 2023. In a shocking turn of events, Donald J. Trump has turned to the courts in an attempt to protect his grifting, er, 'retail', efforts in the newly emerging Trump memorabilia NFT market. In a prepared statement released on misTRUTH Social, Mr. Trump stated, "I will say that we, and by we I mean me, have released some of the most beautiful and lifelike NFT trading cards celebrating America's favorite President, me, that the world has ever seen.  These cards, offered at an astonishingly low $99 each, are sure to increase in value likely reaching the low to high six figure range. Many people have told me that they might even be willing to pay upwards, or even higher, $45,000,000 per card. But, as with Russia, January 6, Trump University, Trump Airlines, Trump Steaks, and many other TRUMP winners, 'TrumpCards©' are under attack by the neo-liberal con artists from CNN, er, I mean World Headline News.  These miscreants are producing low quality WHNTrumpCards© that are, frankly, less than complementary to my truly astounding physique, unparalleled intelligence, my many contributions to America, though not through taxes, and, I might add, the enjoyment that I have given to women everywhere - 'Hi Stormy!' - except of course my wives.  Because of this INJUSTICE! I have instructed my lawyer Michael Cohen, what, he was sent to Jail?, my lawyer Rudy Giuliani, what, he may be going to jail?, ah, a lawyer to be determined at a future date, or parole hearing, to file suit against Ned Ander-Thal and the World Headline News. I will be demanding damages in the amount of $10,000,000,000 due to the harm caused to the marketability of my NFT Cards and another amount of no less than $1.93 for harm to my reputation. My crack(ed?) investigative team has wasted no time gathering evidence in support of this case using the same skill set in my election, and ah, well erection [Editor: for example see, among others, Stormy Daniels and E. Jean Carroll lawsuits], lawsuits that are currently be disposed of in the courts."  When contacted by the WHN, the Department of Justice referred us to the White House stating that Joe Biden is personally handling the cleanup the former guy's legislative, societal, and judicial messes. A clearly exacerbated Joe Biden stated, "I'm always having to clean up The Former Guys' messes - you should see the ketchup stains on the walls of the Oval Office. From what I can see, his claims in these trashy lawsuits are all snake oil and malarky!"

When WHN Editor Ander-Thal was contacted by, well, himself, he stated: "While I would like to congratulate Mr. Trump on another 'Quality Legal Filing', I can't. We had previously published many of the themes found in the NFT TrumpCards© well before Mr. Trump grifting, er, creative team produced his clearly derivative cards... We feel confident that the fair minded US Supreme Court will uphold the legality, if not tastefulness, of the WHN Cards. If not, the WHN is actively investigating countries with no extradition treaties with the U.S.A.  We hear nice things about North Korea, oh wait, those things were said by Mr. Trump..."

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Intrepid reporter, and defendant, Ned Ander-Thal captured this exclusive photo of the Trump Legal Defense Team acquiring evidence for their newest lawsuit against the WHN Never TrumpTrading Cards. As noted, this is the same team, minus several now disbarred lawyers, responsible for Mr. Trump's mountain of previous election related lawsuits. Mr. Ander-Thal was somewhat surprised to see that President Biden was assisting in the legal cleanup of Mr. Trump's legal challenges: "He's made a real mess of the National Archives, the Electoral Process and, on January 6, the Nation's Capital.  It's been keeping me busy as you can see." © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

January 6, 2023

SECOND Anniversary of America's 1st Coup Attempt

The GOLD STANDARD of YELLOW JOURNALISM

Almost Washington State (WHN) January 6, 2023 marks the Second Anniversary of the Capital Insurrection. But the insurrection of January 6, 2021 was only the tip of the iceberg with regards to Mr. tRumps efforts to ILLEGALLY remain as President.  Aided and abetted by individuals (many of whom had sworn to protect the constitution) Mr. tRump efforts included, but were not limited to, the following actions:

• Filing of >63 Federal and State lawsuits to overturn the 2020 Election in multiple states. These lawsuits were rapidly rejected by the courts as they lacked any factual evidence of election fraud. Some lawyers have been sanctioned.

• Despite repeated losses in the courts, spread malicious LIES in order to sow distrust and doubt about the democratic institutions and processes of the United States.

Click this box to get the EXECUTIVE SUMMARY of the

Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack

on the United States Capitol

Coming Soon To The

WHN  STORE!

Despite all the lawsuits, perhaps the MAIN component of the attempted coup was the conspiracy to disrupt or prevent the official counting of the Electoral College votes by Congress on January 6, 2020. This constitutionally mandated count is the formal process from certifying the winner of the 2020 Election.  IF no winner is declared after this formal count, or the count can not be completed, the election of the President is sent to the House of Representatives.  In the House, each state (not each representative) votes. In January 2020,  the Republicans controlled 27 states, thereby making it likely that Mr. Trump would be declared the "Winner". To Achieve this aim, Mr. Trump and his allies:

• Pressured election officials and legislatures in multiple states to declare the election was fraudulent and to have the legislature declare the public vote void thus have GOP controlled legislatures selection the "winner" of the states Presidential election.

• Creation of FAKE elector slates in an attempt to disrupt the proceeding of the certification of the election by Congress.

• Pressured Vice President Mike Pence to subvert the counting of the electoral college votes in order to send the 2020 Election to the House of Representatives.

• Encouraged and induced members of the public to march on the Capital in order to disrupt the certification of the Electoral College vote by Congress. The supposition being that IF the count was not completed on January 6, the 2020 Election would be decided by the House of Representatives.

It was an inside (the White House) job....

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So, "for duty and humanity"*, I shall soldier on single-handedly (ok, Mark does do the janitorial work, and Mrs. Ander-Thal does feed me, and Cooper does walk me) in hopes of saving the world... well, at least to the end of THIS issue. It couldn't possibly reach 31, or 32, or, gasp (!), 40 years of publication could it?! "OH, the humanity"**...

WHN EXCLUSIVE: In a photo captured Christmas Eve, Santa was caught after buying some TRUMP NFT cards and eating a bowl of Trump's Cuckoo Crazy Lawsuit Bites at Mar-a-Lago. Santa: "Good thing Trump was stocked up on Ruffles - God, knows I've got the munchies and a thrist to overthrow democracy!". © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

*1934 "Men in Black" - The Three Stooges     ** 1937 Herbert Morrison during the LZ 129 Hindenburg Disaster @ Lakehurst, NJ

That's not to say all of 2022 was horrible. In fact, 2022 ended on a positive, well technically a NEGATIVE, note.  Santa stuffed Ned's Christmas stocking full of brand new, ethically sourced, premium quality, electrons!  Ned was VERY excited to try those babies out and to compare the results with the old, recycled, conflict electrons, used on the old site!!!! Hence, our punishment of you, the reader, ... and boy have the new electrons have made the appearance of the WHN more 'premium'!?

.... just like the wonders of lipstick on a pig!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2023 has GOT to be better

than 2022.....right?

2023 - to infinity and beyond...

Virgin Electrons

2012 - 2022

Recycled Electrons