Bashing Albania Royalty
Citizens of Albania 'Celebrate' the Birth, er, Exile of
THE ROYAL BASTARD OF ALBANIA
September 6, 2021 • Issue 1955
Almost Washington State (WHN) September 6, 2021. In THE Society Event of the month, the WHN was granted exclusive access to the birth celebration of the exiled Royal Bastard of Albania; or, as he is known to his consort, The Princess of Berkeley (the ex-Queen of Albania) and friends: THE BASTARD.
An intimate party was held at the world headquarters of the WHN. However, for security reasons, the location remained undisclosed to invitees; hence the lack of such notable attendees such as Justin Trudeau, Jo Biden and Ashraf Ghani. WHN Editor Ned Ander-Thal served as the Master of Ceremonies. The event featured fun hats, exotic beverages [EDITOR: remnants from our very heavy drinking days during the tRump administration] and leftover cake from the Kim Jong Un Birthday Party (Issue 103; 2018). The menu was chosen, well, because what dictator (current, former or future) doesn't like hats, booze and cake! Also served at the party was the traditional feast food of Albania, the EGGIZZA .
Surprisingly, when preparing for the celebration, the WHN discovered that no reputable chef in Canada knew how to make the EGGIZZA. In order to create this culinary delight, Ned Ander-Thal plied THE BASTARD with significant quantities of Cult 45 (Issue 147; 2021) to learn its secret recipe. Once obtained, the EGGIZZA was then crafted in the WHN Test Kitchens (see the recipe in this issue!).
Attendees (see photo) all 'claimed' they had a good time..... though rumors persist otherwise. The Princess of Berkeley has found it necessary to obtain a restraining order against Editor Ander-Thal and THE BASTARD was reportedly disappointed by the gifts offered him by the attendees: "While it's always good to turn 39 (again!), I didn't receive a single nuclear weapon! Hell, how can I ever regain the Albanian throne.... and, ugh, ...the cake was horribly stale and NOT gluten free. I think I need to go to my 'throne' room....".
From The WHN TEST KITCHENS:
Ned Ander-Thal's AMAZING EGGIZZA
Almost Washington State (WHN) September 6, 2021. Many of our readers are unaware that the World Headline News has a secretive 'Food Section' run out of the WHN Test Kitchens. When the mystery of the EGGIZZA was disclosed to Ned Ander-Thal by The Royal Bastard of Albania, Ned turned to the WHN Test Kitchens to re-create this mysterious delicacy of far off Albania.... NOW WE GIVE THE GIFT TO THE WORLD.
And Now A Word From Our NEW WHN Sponsor:
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WHN EXCLUSIVE: Wild celebrations arose as WHN Editor Ned Ander-Thal (left) hosted The Royal Bastard of Albania (right) and his consort (center) at the secret headquarters of the World Headline News. What dictator (current, former, or future) doesn't like hats, booze and birthday cake!
The WHN hopes that this photo will also dispel the persistent rumors and conspiracy theories that Ned Ander-Thal and The Bastard of Albania are, in fact, the same person. Despite the clear similarities, THE BASTARD does not have a mustache. World Headline News © 2021 Ned Ander-Thal.
Party was a 'BIG BANG'
The ONLY issue marring the party was an unexpected firework show provided by THE BASTARD's former Albanian serfs who apparently wished to 'participate' in the celebration. Who knew that lobbing fragmentation grenades was a traditional Albanian birthday greeting. I guess we all still have a lot to learn about other cultures....
The Traditional FEAST FOOD of Albanian Saints and Royalty
2-3 Large Eggs
6-10 Rounds of Pepperoni
1 Medium Mushroom
Diced Black Olives (to taste)
Chopped Chives (to taste)
Add most of the diced pepperoni, mushrooms, olives and chopped chives to the eggs and lightly mix.
Salt & Pepper (to taste)
Pepper Jack, Mozzarella and Cheddar Cheeses (thinly sliced) 1-2 oz; or to taste.
Pour the egg mixture into a hot buttered (can use oil) fry pan and layer the thinly sliced cheese over the egg 'crust'. The pepperoni oil aids in the frying of the egg crust giving it a unique pizza-like flavor!
Sprinkle the remaining chives, olives, mushrooms and pepperoni bits on top of the cheese.
Cover (!) and let cook on medium-high until the egg crust is done (slightly crispy!) and the topping cheese has melted.
Plate and serve!
Sausage, Bacon, Scallions, Peppers, and/or Thyme! For additional flavor add a smidgen of Boursin Garlic and Fine Herb Cheese to the cheese mix!
WANT AN EVEN CRISPIER CRUST! You can separate the whites from the yolk for a crustier base. If using the egg whites mode, layer the yolks on top of the partially fried egg white crust and then layer the cheese on top of this. OR, you can opt to completely leave the yolks out to achieve a truly crusty EGGIZZA!
BELIEVE IT ...OR... NOT
The Religious Experience That Is The EGGIZZA:
The origins of the EGGIZZA are shrouded in mystery. According to legend, a medieval Saint, St. Markus of Albania, made the first EGGIZZAs to celebrate his victory over 'the enemy'; though historical research indicates that 'the enemy' was far too often a large mug (or two or three) of mead....(or, more likely, gin martinis). For the most historically 'honest' rendition of the dish, the eggs must be purloined from a neighbors chicken coop in order to assure the 'guilty pleasure' nature of the meal. However, be warned, Canadian, and even American, authorities are insensitive to this cultural tradition and frown upon poultry theft.
In more recent times, The Royal Bastard of Albania ate EGGIZZAs following his victories over successive waves of 'democracy dreaming' insurrectionists, damn graduate students (!), and they in turn celebrated with EGGIZZAs following the exile of the The Royal Bastard of Albania to Canada in 2002.
Today, however, EGGIZZAs have been lost to the shadows of time in Albania. A just completed 'cultural study' (FINDINGS: EGGIZZA are safe and were found to have very low bacterial counts) concluded that the loss of this culinary tradition occurred when the last 'laying hens' were stolen by the The Bastard on his way to exile in Canada thus leaving an egg-less Albania. Today's Albanians must be content with goat cheese fondue and, of course, their very large and plentiful mugs of mead.
TRUTH POLICE: ok, ok, it just a stinkin' , er, tasty, take on a frittata...
WHN EXCLUSIVE: Saint Markus of Albania, the ancestor of The Royal Bastard of Albania and purported inventor of the EGGIZZA. World Headline News © 2021 Ned Ander-Thal.
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