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August 31, 2020   •   Issue 138

Republican Convention 'High'-Lites?

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WHN PHOTO EXCLUSIVE: President Trump walks from the White House to the podium to present his nomination acceptance speech. In his speech, the President preached patriotism, as narrowly defined by him, and 'Christian' values, as narrowly defined by the serial Adulterer-In-Chief: "Look I know sin, I've studied sin in depth and can say I know all the ins and outs of sin. Just ask Stormy...." World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

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Almost Washington State (WHN) August 31, 2020.  Arguably, and a very LOUD argument it was, the highlight of the 2020 Republican National Convention (RNC) was the, er,  impassioned 'screech' given by Kimberly Gargoyle, er, Guilfoyle. During her, ah impassioned, 'screech' she pronounced how Joe Biden, in the guise of a 'Chinese Serpent', will destroy the perfect Garden of Eden created by Donald J. Trump, Sr. Ms. Gargoyle's 'screech' was followed by the Presidents son, Donald Jr., who, in an apparent CDC*-approved trance, praised Trumptopia and fanned the flames against the Evils of Biden. In an analysis of all subsequent RNC speeches, the WHN found that they were, in effect, less 'perfect' variations of the overly stimulated dynamic Gargoyle-Trump duo....

Almost Washington State (WHN) August 31, 2020.  In another brake with tradition, the Republican party has opted to NOT adopt a 'Policy Platform' for the 2020 election. Instead, the party will defer to the 'Wisdom of Donald Trump'.  This has led to speculation as to what Mr. Trump's 2020 Election Agenda will be. Intrepid WHN Political Reporter Ned Ander-Thal, a part-time White House Plumber,  has uncovered secret documents left in the Oval Office Executive Washroom just prior to Mr. Trumps Thursday (August 28) acceptance speech.

Climate Change:  Never heard of it; it's all a big hoax. Hurricane Laura was not as terrifying as Kimberly Guilfoyle speech or Don Junior's 'blow'...

Budget: Charge more for Secret Service stays at Mar-a-Lago and all other Trump properties.

Deficit: I've built the BIGGEST deficit ever - WIN!! I say go BIG or go home... well, ok BIG and then bankruptcy... I've gone bankrupt 6 times so it does seem like home...

Covid: 180,000 dead... "It is what it is..."; but some early projections said 2,000,000 dead - see, I did a fantastic job....

DARK

Trump's Party Goes

Democrats Are Radical Krazies

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Secret Trump 2020

Platform Uncovered

• Help Trump Control America!

• See Democratic cities

• Inform on your Liberal Neighbors

• Put 'People' In Their Place


JOIN THE ALL NEW

FEDERAL T MARSHAL ENFORCEMENT FORCE

JOIN T-DAY

TO JOIN: You must be a registered 'Republican' with no more than two years of community college (but Liberty University graduates are accepted!). Preference given to individuals belonging to patriotic civic organizations including the National Rifle Association, Sons of Confederate Veterans, L-1L-1L-1 (KKK), Sons of Anarchy Fan Club and Turning Point USA.

Healthcare: Kill ObamaCare and  "Make TrumpCare Great Again" - what is TrumpCare? It is like medi-no-care... Plus, we are working hard to defund both Social Security and Medicare by claiming it will help Covid releif.

Income: Between the tax cuts for the 1%'ers and their Companies, as well as their government supplemented downsizing, my fellow 1%’ers have made billions over the last 6 months! .... though pretty much everyone else is in the dumpster... but that just makes employees even cheaper to hire.. Another WIN-WIN!.

Jobs: Everyone in my family has a Job - mostly in the White House.  I must keep them employed, so "Four More Years"! The 'other people', ok, so their employment levels are now below 2016 when Obama left office but I don't take responsibility for anything. The bright side is that it does make LARGE corporations more profitable because they can pay less. Some people will even "Work for Food"....

Foreign Alliances: Successfully wrecked! Looks like I'll be getting a HUGE bonus from Vlad M.R. Poutine - my mysterious French-Canadian friend.... I could use a couple of new Foreign Dalliances though.... Vlad will provide...

Election Security: Forbid the Director of National Intelligence from providing in person briefings to the House and Senate Intelligence Committees [TRUE!] - these meetings only serve to REDUCE my chances of re-election.

All thanks to Moscow Mitch and the Senate Republicans where oversight of the

Executive branch is considered a four letter word....

*CDC: Columbian Drug Cartel

In The aftermath of Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Breona Taylor, Jacob Blake, and more.

Trump Reaches Out To The Black Community

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Almost Washington State (WHN) August 31, 2020.  After hearing of his devastating Nielsen television rating loss to Biden, a dejected Donald Trump left the White House Friday morning to stroll through the Graveyard of Democracy. "I didn't, lose - some very fine people tell me that George Soros bought 10 million televisions and only turned them on during Biden's acceptance speech. That means I won by 8 million votes. Biden is cheating just like Hillary. Breitbart, InfoWars and One America Network will back me up on this... Nobody watched Biden on OAN!" a sour Trump grumbled.

BIDEN Whomps TRUMP

In the All* Important Convention Television Ratings Battle

Biden's 23,600,000 viewers vs.

Trump's 21,600,000 viewers

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Trump*: "I thought I was going to a white 'militia' meeting!?!"

Raging Bullsh*t

Almost Washington State (WHN) August 31, 2020. After a surprise, and potentially illegal, immigration swearing in at the RNC White House Convention, Mr. Trump then reached out to the 'pro-second amendment' members of the black community.  Unfortunately, Mr. Trump misconstrued a "show of guns" in a 'bad part' of Washington D.C with his typical "gun show" audience.  The Donald, the ever affable, though clearly nervous, politician was politely coerced to pose with the "Second Amendment Club of the Washington Highlands Neighborhood".  Strangely, the Secret Service was absent as they had been misdirected by Melania Trump to another location ("Please, enjoy Mar-a-Lago!").  Upon Mr. Trump's return, Melania was heard to say, "Damn it, he come back...

     ...Dey were not 'Be Best'!"

"Maybe there should be some restrictions on the Second Amendment..."

The nations NEWEST arm of law enforcement was personally created by Donald J. Trump to enforce effective domestic policing at the National level. These plain clothes officers travel in unmarked cars and aggressively shadow protestors and 'never-trumpers' through the streets of 'lawless democratic' cities.  Should the these individuals attempt to remain peaceful, these officers will actively ferment violence that allow them to arrest protestors and, subsequent to the ongoing passage of anti-protest laws, remove the voting rights of these convicted felons.  The nation can not allow, in the words of John Lewis, this 'good trouble' to happen in Trump's America. Law and Order must be maintained (except The Hatch Act and Obstruction) at all costs.

Party of TяUMP Crosses Any and All Factual, Ethical and Moral Boundries to Fulfill TяUMP's Every DESIRE!

*Following the Democratic Convention, Trump bragged that the RNC would beat their ratings by HUGE numbers. Nielsen measures viewers of the 11 major television networks.

*TRUMP:

Armed WHITE 'Militias' = GOOD

Armed BLACK 'Militias' = BAD

Erin Cruz (California)        Theresa Raborn (Illinois)

Mike Cargile (California)   Lauren Boebert (Colorado)

Jo Rae Perkins (Oregon)   Marjorie Taylor Greene (Georgia)

Republican 'QAnon' Candidates For House Seats

EDITOR'S NOTE:  The WHN apoligizes for the screeching nature of this article!