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Satire Since 1993

August 23, 2020   •   Issue 137

Are You Ready To Rumble!


Are You Ready To


WHN SPORTS EXCLUSIVE: The 'TRUE' Champ speaks up, "I was robbed!" World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.


But Is It Even A Legitimate Battle?

'Some People Say' TRUMPE Is A Heavy Weight

(even obese) Pretender To The Championship Belt

Almost Washington State (WHN) August 23, 2020. The countdown has commenced to the 2020 AMERICAN RUMBLE  being held on November 3.  Joe 'The Decent' Biden won his bracket and will be facing off against the current, overly heavy weight, champion Don 'The Punisher' Trump.

Despite 'The Punishers' beatdown of Nancy 'The Nancy' Pelosi in a recent title fight, 'Trump is currently the underdog. But 'The Punisher' doesn't buy that, "Duh, dat can't be right, ain't nobody better dan me at hittin below da belt; I'se also pretty good at gouging out da eyes. Biden do't got no chance - I mean jus look at deze hands; ya, dey is small but I can still hold da Sharpie® and, using both hands, I can drink a cup of water. Ain't nothin 'civil' about da November battle - my team is gonna pull out all da tricks - cops, batons, rubber bullets, and da post office. When dey go light, I go dark."

The contender Joe 'The Decent' Biden stated, "I only punch above the waist, but with 'The Punisher' it's a little hard to tell where the waist is. Some people say 'The Punisher' is gutless, but I assure you that is wrong; look at him, he's all gut!"

On the Fight Undercard, Mike 'The Ghost' Pence will be fighting Kamala 'The Ghost Buster' Harris. Harris is a heavy favorite. Attorney General William Barr was to officiate the fights, but Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts has replaced him.

Las Vegas bookmakers (Publisher of fine books such as "Stormy Daniels Does Trump Towers" and "Getting Your Degree: The Trump University Story") currently rates Biden as the favorite but state this could change depending on the deployment of Federal troops to polling stations, post office disruption, and the efforts of the mysterious French-Canadian Vlad M.R. Poutine.  

“Normally I hate taxes, but I've heard VERY GOOD THINGS about


WHN SPORT EXCLUSIVE: The 2020 AMERICAN RUMBLE is set: Joe 'The Decent' Biden versus "Don 'The Punisher' Trump. World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.

Almost Washington State (WHN) August 23, 2020. Despite America's rapt attention to the upcoming November 3 battle, WHN Sports Editor Ned Ander-Thal has discovered that  'Some people say'* that the 2020 AMERICAN RUMBLE may not be a legitimate battle for the Championship. Indeed, one resident of Chappaqua, New York claims that the incumbent Champion is illegitimate. An enticing (?) Hillary Clinton with her own (unofficial) championship belt stated "I was THE favored contender in 2016 and I should have been the champ. Look we went a full 12 rounds and, at the end of the night, I had 3,000,000+ more hits than 'Trumpe'. But, because of the rules of of the AMERICAN RUMBLE, the fat bastard was awarded the belt by the electoral college - probably part of Trump University.... While I accepted the technical loss I can only hope that  'The Punisher' will  be so gracious should he lose in November. But that does not look like the case as 'The Punisher' is already claiming that the fight is fixed.... mostly by him and the Russians, but it still looks like he might lose...."

When 'The Champ' was asked about the 2016 battle, 'The Punisher's' cut-man (person, woman, man, camera, tv) Kayleigh McEnany stated, 'Da Champ ain't gonna give 'Da Nasty Woman' [Editor: 'according to some', i.e., Trumpe, 'The Nasty Woman' was Ms. Clinton's moniker in the ring] da time of day... mostly 'cuz da Champ can't tell time. Butt, and I mean dat!, as da Champ likes ta say, 'some people think' he is the greatest of all time and da Champ agrees. Ain't nobody dat can beat the Champ in da ring... His fight manager, a Mr. Vlad M.R. Poutine from Canada, sez da fight is in da bag. Ain't no chance dat 3 or even 5 million votes from da 'wrong states', we'ze lookin' at you New York and California, will see the light of day. But to be sure you get da straight dope, ya gotta watch da fight on da 'One America Network' or 'Infowars' cuz dey is da only ones dat tell da real truths. I knoz dis, cause I went to da Harvard... ...I really did, but the Trump Crime Family requires that I talk like this...."

All Set For Nov. 3, 2020

'The Champ' states that he plans to request that Federal 'police' be dispatched to all 'at risk' polling stations in selective states (California, Oregon, Washington, Colorado, Nevada, New Mexico, Florida, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio and Pennsylvania). When Kayleigh was asked what defined an 'at-risk' polling station, 'The Punishers' cut-man (person, woman, man, camera, tv) stated, "Dey is da places where da dangerous people vote at - your know, da blacks, da browns, and da liberals. Biden 'Da Decent" is popular wit dem folks and we can't have dat."  Moreover, to insure that the vote is legitimate, Postmaster General Louis DeJoy stated that "'The Champs' team will be steaming open all mail-in, and even absentee!, ballots to make sure that the were filled out correctly. I mean we want the Post Office to get this election RIGHT... hard right!"  Attorney General William Barr has already started preparing challenges to state voting returns, "Our stance is that 'some people' have lost the right to vote by participating in protests against the President and AMERICA. Their votes should NOT be counted."

Democracy is a fragile thing and can be rapidly destroyed by the unwillingness of some to restrain the behavior of people in power.

POLL TAX: also known as head tax, is a tax levied on every eligible voter as a precondition for voting. Historically, in the United States, poll taxes were used to disenfranchise non-white and poor voters (especially post Civil War in the southern states) assuring political control by a select (i.e., white) minority of the population.

TRUMP: "They need more ME!"

In Honor of


Postmaster General Louis DeJoy Announces the NEW


Forever Stamps!

Almost Washington State (WHN) August 23, 2020. In advance of the Republican Convention, Postmaster General Lous DeJoy has announced the issuance of 6 new FOREVER Stamps to commemorate "THE GREATEST HUMAN EVER". Per Mr. DeJoy, "Normally you have to be dead for 5 years before the Post Office will issue a stamp in your honor. 'Some people' say we have violated this rule with the TRUMP 4-EVER Stamps but I assure you we have not. Based on the start of his 2015 Campaign for President and his 4 years in office, we obtained a ruling by the renowned neurologist Dr. Ned Ander-Thal, that Mr. Trump has been brain-dead for at least 5 years. We at the Post Office encourage the readers of the WHN to print these stamps and use them when you mail in your ballots for the November 3 election. Remember use ONLY these stamps so that we can assure the President FOUR MORE YEARS 4-EVER!"

To Be Announnced At The Convention!

Use ONLY these stamps for your 2020 Mail-In Ballots!"

"It is aMErica after all..."

Exclusive to the

World Headline News