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Satire Since 1993

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World Headline News

March 3, 2019   •   Issue 113


Almost Washington State (WHN) March 3, 2019.

Despite the impression of many Americans, including Donald J. Trump prior to his election, being President is exhausting and requires significant time and effort to "think deep thoughts...".  This time spent in "deep thought" has been deemed as "Executive Time" by the White House and accounts for about 60% of the President's working schedule (see graphic).  Typically spent in the secluded refuge of the President's personal quarters within the White House, known as The Oval Office Gentlemen's Club, the public has been left to ponder what the President does during his extensive Executive Time.

Renowned WHN Investigative Reporter Ned "The Plumber" Ander-Thal went undercover in the White House to document the processes and actions of America's First Stable Genius President while in Executive Time.  Using surprisingly real White House documents obtained from a mysterious French-Canadian named Vlad M.R. Poutine, Mr. Ander-Thal presented himself as 'Billy-Bob', a NON-union plumber from Queens, New York. This position was carefully chosen based on recent reports that the White House has had recurrent sewage blockages following the replacement of the White House Kitchen with the 'White House Fast Food Court' containing a McDonalds, KFC and, initially, Fresh Choice salad bar [Editor:  the Fresh Choice franchise went bankrupt and was replaced by a Taco Bell but it is also in financial peril due to a 30 foot wall being constructed around it by Trump - with the help of his Fox & Friends].  In a statement justifying the hiring and top secret security clearance given to Billy-Bob the Plumber, White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee-Sanders states, "While there have been some problems with constipation of the..., er, White House plumbing, we are employing state of the art laxatives, I mean, tools to address these issues.  I will say that the President is 'on top' of the plumbing issues and looks forward to a return to a 'free flow' conditions.  The hiring of Billy-Bob was essential for the protection our country - normally the President would have had Jared do this, but he is currently interning with a Saudi Prince."

Once dumped into the White House pool, 'Billy-Bob' proceed to plant several hidden cameras and recording devices throughout the President's living quarters.  But this was not without complications.  According to Mr. Ander-Thal, "A big problem I had in secreting my cameras was that all the good hiding spots were already occupied with devices from a company called 'Red Square One' located in St. Petersburg ... Florida I assume [EDITOR: "Nyet!"].  Only once I removed those cameras and microphones I was I able to begin my surveillance of the Presidents Executive Time and what I found shocked even me... a hardened reporter with over 25 years of experience.  Let me just say, Executive Time STINKS!"


TяUMPS "Executive Time"

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: "Claims to the contrary are a load of cr..."


One Chief Executive tweets:


The Shocking Findings

Following only 2 weeks of investigation, an exhausted Ned Ander-Thal, was forced to flee the White House, "I could not keep up with the pace, Executive Time equalled plumbing problems... and plumbing problems equalled (gasp, gasp, gasp) visits to the Executive Throne Room.  He really should light a candle, or two dozen... the  entire White House Staff or being poisoned by the fumes.".   Indeed, former Chief of Staff John Kelly at one point attempted to call in the Environmental Protection Agency (E.P.A.) in to address the domestic gas attack but, the 'new' E.P.A. could only recommend Oil and Gas firms who proposed fracking the sources of the gas in order to recover the valuable gas ASSets.  However, these companies DID pronounce Mr. Trump to be an invaluable source of a "precious natural resource."  When informed of the situation in the White House, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stated, "This 'Executive Time' explains why most of his policies are real 'stinkers'.  The House Committee on UnAmerican Affairs, [Editor:  after all, both Ivana (wife #1) and Melania (wife #3) started off as Foreign Affairs] will be investigating this in-depth.  I anticipate that we will have some follow up questions for Mr. Michael Cohen."


Time allocation of the Presidential schedule Nov 7, 2018 to Feb. 1, 2019. [LINK] "Executive Time" accounts for ~60% of the schedule while Lunch accounts for ~8% - maybe more if he eats two scoops of ice cream...  According to Mr. Trump, meetings with staff and advisors are overrated and he 'trusts his gut' (see below) for governing the U.S.A. and he anticipates reducing the meeting component to expand the Lunch component - especially since the White Food Court now has a KFC.... which leads us to the "bottom".


In a surprise finding, WHN Reporter Ned Ander-Thal documented (unfortunately with photographic evidence) that "Executive Time" involved lots of time on the porcelain throne.  According to the evidence obtained by the WHN Mr. Trump tweets and reads virtually all of his briefing materials and correspondence on the 'throne'.  For inspiration, within the this Temple of Solitude, referred to as "The Oval Office Gentlemen's Club, Mr. Trump keeps a small bronze of "The Thinker" by Rodin, a collection of the all time greatest issues of Playboy© and his "TO DO While DooDoo-ing" list.  Photo:  Ned Ander-Thal © 2019.

Breaking News

Trump-Kim Romance Falls Apart

Trump Suffers Broken Heart

Self-Awarded Purple Heart for Vietnam Service     

Despite multiple educational and a devastating medical deferment (incapacitating 'bone-spurs'), Donald  Trump has finally achieved his long sought desire to serve America in Vietnam.

Bravely battling the evils of (North Korean) communism in 'North' Vietnam, Trump single handedly took on his friend and bromance partner Kim Jong Un (a past winner of the Il Trumpe Medal of Valor).  Anticipating a quick victory, Trump was shocked when Kim announced that he loved his nukes more than Trump.  Shaken by this revelation, and still suffering from the lingering effects of those darn bone spurs, Mr. Trump collapsed in aguish due to a broken heart.  Kim had betrayed him.  With broken heart, and in a scene eerily similar to the evacuation of Saigon in 1975 (Operation Frequent Wind; April 29-30, 1975; also see Trump's 'Executive Time' which also is an Operation of Frequent Wind...) The Donald fled Hanoi - even skipping dinner and the promised two-scoops of ice cream. A visibly upset Melania stated "Why can't he love me like he loves Kim, Duterte, Mohammed bin Salman and Putin? Instead he treats me like Hillary..."  

Purple Heart INSTEAD of Noble Prize

Mr. Trump was awarded the Purple Heart Medal due his severe broken heart arising from his military (he is Commander in Chief) service in Vietnam - though he had been anticipating a Noble Peace Prize....

.... Kim received free Amazon Prime

Almost Washington State (WHN) March 3, 2019.  Taking advantage of an absent President (who was traveling to Vietnam; see below story), a desperate Michael 'Da Rat' Cohen was questioned by the Senate and House Committees investigating the claims of 2016 Russian collusion in the election of President Trump.  In his public testimony 'Da Rat' stated that Mr. Trump was guilty of multiple civil, criminal and moral crimes [see previous story].  According to Da Rat, "Big Boss Trump grew up on the streets of da Bronx and Queens and only survived by his street smarts.  I mean he took da mere few hundred million dollars his Daddy first gave him and turned it into... well ... ok, he lost most of it on casinos, a fake university scam, airlines and hookers.  But Daddy Trump saved him over and over.  But Daddy's gone now and it's Mueller Time.  I want da public to know it was Trump who hired me, and all da so many, many other convicted and indicted rats, while bragging dat he hires 'only the best people' We was da best.. da best at ignoring da law. Remember, the lie I got convicted for telling was to say that TRUMP HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG...."  

When asked by reporters in Vietnam about Cohen's testimony, a visibly angry Trump responded, "An economic miracle is taking place in the United States - and the ONLY thing that cans stop it are foolish wars, politics, ridiculous partisan investigations or the Putin pee-pee tape....  IF there is going to be peace and legislation, there cannot be war and investigation.  But if it is war you want, it'll be war you get, are you listening Kim Jong Un... you cold hearted bastard, you hurt me, and my Noble Prize, in Hanoi.  But I'm a tough guy, you hit me, I hit you back 3 times as hard.  Cohen will be punished in the joint... once I get sentenced....  I mean. Mueller did say he had 4 new walls for me to look at... and on an island...." Anticipating the profit to be earned by such a showdown, the Trump Cineplex Corporation has already released a live action short filmed at the new TRUMP TOWER ALCATRAZ.  An exclusive photo of the key climatic action sequence as been obtained by the WHN.

Trump v. Cohen at the new TRUMP TOWER ALCATRAZ

Cohen Sings Like A Songbird

To Mueller, Congress and The Public

TRUMP: "You Dirty Rat, you killed my Presidency!"

see also

Sept. 6, 2018 Story