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Satire Since 1993

Aid To The Needy

October 13, 2017   •   Issue 96

T.R.U.M.P. Spells Relief*

Exclusive to the World Headline News

Exclusive WHN Report:

Natural and Unnatural Disasters Strike the U.S.A. and World

*According to the new U.S.A. core spelling curriculum implemented by U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos

Surrey (WHN)  Fresh off his 'foreign' policy victory in the ungrateful nation of Puerto Rico, Donald Trump has announced that he will now focuses on raining relief on Rocket Man Kim Jun Un.  Per Il Trumpe, "Korea, not sure if it is north, south, east or west, is a long way from Mar-a-Lago.  My very best Generals tell me it is too far to walk to deliver aid personally, so I've had to look at other options.  I considered flying there, but my arms get tired if I flap them too much.  I also thought about having Mikey Pence take the aid there, but he has a morning paper route and can't find anybody to take it over.  THEN, in one of my brilliant moments, but hey all my moments are brilliant, I said, 'I've got codes' and I can use rockets, which are just sitting underground doing nothing, to lob relief to the Rocket Man.'  So I thought I should take the time, during this 'calm before the storm', I mean there will be another hurricane because of fake Chinese global warming, to load up the rockets up and punch the button.  I've only got one complaint though, that meany Mike Kelly has hidden the damn red button and that moron Tillerson is showing me his key ring....ooooh, shiny.  Anyway, I'll be giving Rocket Man the BEST aide (Reince Priebus, yes he is slightly used, but he won't be missed), oh, AID, that the USA has.  I mean we have Paper Towel® branded paper towels and golfing trophies, just like I gave out in Puerto Rico.  I've also heard that they need electricity, just like Puerto Rico, but since I gave that Rico country all my diesel generators - but they need to buy their own diesel because all they want to do is take, take, take - I'm going to give Rocket Man NUCLEAR energy... I just need to find that damn red button.  Anyway, my Secretary of Energy Ricky Perry says that next to coal, nuclear is best... but rockets can't carry much coal, so nuclear it is."

Fresh off his 'foreign'* policy victory in the ungrateful nation* of Puerto Rico, Donald Trump focuses on raining future 'relief' on Korea.  Also seen in the photo are Vice President Pence, Chief-Of-Staff John Kelly, Kellyanne Conway and Korean "POP" sensation Kim Jung Un (a.k.a., "The Bomb").   Editor:  *Apparently unbeknownst to Il Trumpe, Puerto Rico is part of the USA and its citizens are American Citizens... a couple of whom may have even voted for him...but are unlikely to do so again.

I have Nuclear Weapons, Executive Orders and, most powerful of all, Twitter

     Despite of, or because of, Mr. Trump's generosity, a vast number of the world's governments are highly concerned that the USA could become a "major exporter of nuclear energy... especially of the 10,000 kiloton variety".  Retired General, and current (at least as of today) Chief of Staff John Kelly told WHN Whitehouse Correspondent Ned Ander-Thal, "Americans and America's allies, except Mexico, should not worry, as Secretary of State Rex Tillerson has an almost unlimited number of shiny new (non-nuclear) keys to distract lil'Trumpy.... in addition I'm really good at hiding the BIG RED BUTTON."  Mr. Tillerson chimed in to add, "It is really an honor to work with Trumpy as he is such a great M.O.R.O.N (Man Of Really Oblivious Narcissism) to work with and he also really appreciates my key collection."  When contacted by the WHN, Kim Jung Un said that he was looking forward to both his next Amazon delivery and the American Aid.  Mr. Kim also hoped "...that North Korea could also share it's nuclear energy with South Korea, Japan and the United States.  I see a lot of positive fallout coming from IL Trumpe and myself."



Ret. Gen. John Kelly

DONNY!  LOOK, SHINY KEYS!  Who's a good boy! Do you want to play with them?  Just drop the red button...

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson

Don't Tread

on Me!