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December 31, 2018 - January 1, 2019   •   Issue 111

Wisdom of the Swamp

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VICTORY! TяUMP Drains the Swamp!

Almost Washington State (WHN) January 1, 2019.  WHN Environment Reporter Dr. Ned Ander-Thal reports that 2018 was a banner year in the White House Swamp Land Reclamation Program (SLRP; pronounced slurp).  Satellite analysis of the continental United States demonstrated that the  SLRP and subsequent action by the Federal Biological Institute (F.B.I.), has successfully drained the expansive Cohen, Flynn, Manafort and Gates swamps in Long Island, NY, Fort Meade, VA, New Britain,CT, and Fort Lee, NJ.  To accomplish this task, SLRP had the Army Corps of Engineers dig drainage canals from these locations straight to the White House thus allowing the both the putrid waters and slimy swamp creatures to drain directly into the White House collection basin.  After two years of efforts, SLRP has demonstrated promise.  Ecologically, these efforts benefited the targeted communities (e.g., a reduction in alligators, snapping turtles and swamp creatures) and, as a bonus, provided suitable staff for the Tяump White House.  Indeed, the relocated swamp creatures have fit in surprisingly well within the Tяump administration and now constitute the core of the administration and has led Mr. Tяump to declare SLRP a total success.  

Despite the claims of success, not all has gone according to plan according to some observers. Surprising Mr. Tяump, several of the most desirable swamp creatures (Cohen, Flynn, Manafort and Gates) demonstrated poor viability in the newly created White House Swamp One (using parlance similar to Air Force One).  Further investigation by Dr. Ander-Thal demonstrated that the common denominator in the low viability of these creatures was that they were all male.  It appeared that in the swamp environment, only one dominant male can exist, obviously Mr.Tяump.  Other males become emasculated and, if unable to adapted to their emasculated role (ala Mike Pence), male swamp creatures must escape the swamp or die.  However, due to the danger of these creatures, the F.B.I. has mandated that any escapees must be contained within Federal zoological facilities. In contrast to the male swamp creatures, evidence suggest that, just like with humans, the female of the species is more robust and seems to thrive better within the White House Swamp ecosystem. Indeed, the Swamp Women are viewed as the most effective of the swamp creatures.  Within the coterie of Swamp Women, two dominant females, affectionately named Sarah and Kellyanne, seem to surround 'The Tяump' at all times and aggressively protect 'The Tяump' from hunters and journalists.  In contrast, 'The Tяump's' mate, the elusive Melania, is rarely seen though some observers speculate that this may be because she is an invasive eastern European species and uncomfortable in the American ecosystem.    

Come on in, the waters GREAT!

Mr.Tяump has been highly encouraged by the successes to date of his swamp team stating, "We've done more to the environment and to the reputation of the United States than any other administration ever has!"  Indeed, his faith in swamp creatures, despite their often short longevity, has actually been bolstered and SLRP is actively recruiting additional low intelligence, amoral, fawning swamp creatures to White House Swamp.  In order to increase the creatures numbers in the White House Swamp, Mr.Tяump has been systematically removing all adult human in the room (Tillerson, McMaster, Kelly and Mattis) who could potentially impede further development of the Tяump swamp.  Applicant are wantedShould you wish to apply for a position, please submit your resume here.  

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO APPLICANTS: to be considered for a Presidential appointment, the applicant will have to take an ETHICS TEST.  Failure to FAIL the ethics test will result in immediate disqualification for all Presidential appointments.

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THE NON-ENLIGHTENMENT OF TяUMP:  a 2018 Painting by renowned artist Ned Ander-Thal detailing the precise moment that "The Donald" refused the wisdom and facts offered by God and a multitude of experienced cabinet members, intelligence agencies, and other world leaders (EDITOR: except Putin, who's advice is always followed).   Some conspiracy theorists point to evidence that the sources of Tяump's ignorance is captured within the details of the painting.

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* Birthplaces of:  Michael Cohen, Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort, and Richard Gates

Long Island, Fort Meade, New Britain, Fort Lee Now DRY!*

Washington D.C. Now Rife With Alligators, Snapping Turtles, toxic algae and lots and lots of swamp rats

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I suppose that Old Man Trump knows just how much racial hate

He stirred up in that bloodpot of human hearts

When he drawed that color line

Here at his Beach Haven family project


Beach Haven ain't my home!

No, I just can't pay this rent!

My money's down the drain,

And my soul is badly bent!

Beach Haven is Trump’s Tower

Where no black folks come to roam,

No, no, Old Man Trump!

Old Beach Haven ain't my home!


In December 1950, American folk singer Woody Guthrie moved to an apartment building in Brooklyn – Beach Haven Apartments.  His landlord was Fred Trump, father of Donald Trump. During this time, Fred Trump did not allow blacks to live in his apartment empire (He and Donald were later sued by the US Justice Department).  During this time Woody was inspired to write many of his most bitter songs and lyrics including: "Old Man Trump"

WHN HISTORY LESSONS

TяUMP: The Not So Divine Idiot!

"Knowledge or inspiration, Divine or otherwise, is not needed or wanted - I only trust my gut!"

Almost Washington State (WHN) January 1, 2019.  The ART World and Political arenas gasped in unison as the latest masterpiece by infamous artiste Ned Ander-Thal was unveiled as the New Year dawned on January 1, 2019.  Entitled "The Non-Enlightenment of Tяump", the painting was surreptitiously painted (inspired by the secrecy of Banksy) on the interior ceiling of the Capital Dome during the recent (and currently ongoing) government shutdown.  Per Mr. Ander-Thal, "It was easy to do, the building was empty because all the congressional staff members were on furlough - as they are obviously non-essential government employees.  Similarly, the Congressmen and Senators were either in their home states or with their D.C. mistresses, so the building was absolutely empty.  I just pulled up my U-Haul van full of paints and ladders and went to work.  I did see a few people  - all Republicans - who were cleaning out their offices and loading up with as much stationary as they could carry.  A few even offered to help me (Thanks Senator Flake!) while others simply said 'who gives a %#$*." When asked as to how the location was chosen, Ned stated, "I hoped it would inspire the House and Senate to fulfill their duties as an equal arm of government to the President.  For example, it is explicitly stated that Congress is the arm of government that initiates legislation and makes laws - NOT the President."    

Despite American politics, foreign policy and the government itself being in a state of self-flagellation and seclusion, the WHN was able to contract noted Art Critic and Constitutional Scholar Senator Marco Rubio (R-Florida) to ask his opinion of the latest Ander-Thal.  After several minutes of inspection of a high resolution photo of the massive artwork (roughly 25 ft high, 50 ft wide), Mr. Rubio pronounced, "This nuanced work of art is a masterpiece, note the howl of indignation of the face of Tяump as he rebuffs both Divine inspiration and rational thought.  But the agony of the howl is not merely anger at God and smart people, but the anguish of tiny hands.  In fact, as I pointed our in the 2015-2016 campaign, all of Mr. Tяump's insecurities tie back to the size of his hands.  In a closeup (LEFT) of the potential moment of inspiration and knowledge we see that  Mr. Tяump's TINY hands fail to connect with the BIG hand of knowledge and inspiration.  Adding to the rage, also evident (EDITOR: though needing a strong magnifying glass) is the relationship between hand size and, er, 'manhood size'. Indeed because of his small hands, Mr. Tяump is unable to grasp much of anything....pizza (he uses a knife and fork to eat it), trade strategy, alliances, good advice, friend or foe, or marital vows."    

Come on in, the waters great! Sacrificing personal comfort, President Tяump announced that he has succeeded in draining multiple American (and Ukrainian) swamps providing a better quality of life for residents in the drained areas.  But this has necessitated converting the White House and Executive Office Building properties into a catch basin for all the vial swamp creatures that previously resided elsewhere.    

Exclusive Photo By: Ned Ander-Thal; © 2019.

Do small hands equal small brains but inflated egos? Science and politics both suggest

"YES!".

When asked by the WHN for his comments on the Ander-Thal masterpiece, Mr. Tяump, stated, "Paintings don't lie - look at my physique...Melania can vouch that I look just like that after my bubble bath. Look at my hair, all real by the way, see pull on it... Ander-Thal captured it perfectly... and my gut, I like how he put it up front and center. Outside knowledge or inspiration, or advice ...Divine or otherwise... is not needed or wanted - I only trust my gut! I base all my decision on what my gut says; farts mean 'YES' and burps means 'NO'.  But I do see a potentially fatal flaw in the painting... it needs a wall!  How else can I keep the obvious horde of invading migrants from touching me and contaminating me. I think all of those people are either illegals or Democrats... who should also be illegal anyway.  In fact the painting proves my point, Democrats are in bed ....I mean that looks like a bed right.... with bad hombres like compassion, science, rationality and intelligence...."

I'm calling out my welcome to you and your man both

Welcoming you here to Beach Haven

To love in any way you please and to have some kind of a decent place

To have your kids raised up in.

   

Beach Haven ain't my home!

No, I just can't pay this rent!

My money's down the drain,

And my soul is badly bent!

Beach Haven is Trump’s Tower

Where no black folks come to roam,

No, no, Old Man Trump!

Old Beach Haven ain't my home!

OLD MAN TRUMP

Woody Guthrie

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Arcane