Exclusive to the World Headline News
A CAREER OBITUARY • The Royal Bastard of Albania
A Career 'Obituary'
Almost Washington State (WHN) January 18, 2021. As 2022 dawns across the world, fear and trepidation of the future abounds across the political, medical, sociological and, now, scientific communities as Dr. Mark Scott has announced his impending retirement from active research on Charles Darwin Birthday Eve (for non-Darwinians that is February 11). Per Dr. Scott, "It seemed a fitting time to 'evolve' into retirement and to prepare for my run for the Presidency of the dis-United States in 2024."
A distraught President Biden reacted to the news stating, "I had great hope that would have helped us turn the table on the raging coronavirus pandemic, but .... well this is nothing short of depressing... oh, the humanity..." Mr. Trump, when asked for his reaction simply stated, "Science, I don't care about that - I'm concerned because I heard he might challenge me for President in 2024..."
January 21, 2022 • Issue 162
To commemorate the scientific career of Dr. Mark Scott (who, in 1993, founded the World Headline News) current Editor Ned Ander-Thal commissioned a biography of Dr. Scott by the noted historian Dori Klowns Goodlost (Author of biographies on Elizabeth Holmes, Josef Mengele, and Jean-Baptiste Lamarck). While not yet released, exclusive excerpts of 'SCOTT: Genius or Grifter' are presented below to the readers of the World Headline News.
1955: Product of Selective Breeding Program?
Research indicates that Dr. Scott did not come from the haphazard primal instincts of random humans over the past centuries. Detailed genealogical analysis, as well as recently discovered documents at the King Joffrey Medical School, located in Lands End, shows that Dr. Scott birth in 1955 was the end product of a centuries long selected breeding program (see Diagram). While the initial purpose of the breeding program was to produce an all knowing Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, a misstep in the early 1400 (see Ironmonger) resulted in a slight divergence of the breeding program from "ruler" to "scientist". However, despite the breeding misstep, recent rumors suggest that post science, Dr. Scott may run in 2024 for President of the dis-United States [a collection of 50 Royal Houses currently more fractured than the Seven Kingdoms ever were]. Additionally, it should be noted, that the tyrannical tendencies crucial for nobility also prove highly valuable in the laboratory setting - threats of beheading are always motivational.
1957: Conquering the Magic Kingdom
Consequent to the highly honed instincts arising form the selective breeding program, even at an early age Dr. Scott was, in the absence of a functioning laboratory, born to conquer 'Kingdoms'. Indeed, archival photographs demonstrate this obsession when, at the age of 2, he conquered the newly founded (1955; auspiciously the same year of Mark's birth) Kingdom of Disneyland. However, like King Joffrey, the mastermind behind the 'Scott Breeding Program', young KING MARK's reign over the "Happiest Place On Earth®", was short lived and the young KING was deposed by a palace coup (see photo "Damn you King Walt and Goofy!") [and, more crucially, by his mother declaring that it was 'nap time']. According to Ms. Goodlost, the rejection of his despotic rule by Mikey & Friends helped shift the young Mark towards despotic science. Despite rumors that the overthrow of KING MARK led to his exile to Albania, they are false; it turns out he was exiled to Rawlins, Wyoming..... almost the same thing....
1964: Infectious Disease Research
“Zoonotic Canine Infections"
(i.e., DANGER! Dog!)
Exiled to Rawlins, Wyoming [a metropolis of ~6,000 inhabitants - at least outside the walls of the state prison] Mark's research moved away from cooties [rumor has it that he decided cooties from cuties were not so bad] to fungi. Using a specially trained beagle named Trumpet [Mark originally thought the dog breed was a 'bugle'... so he named the dog 'trumpet' - true story] pre-Dr. Scott embarked on a study of 'ringworm'. According to the Doctor examining Mark, he had the most extensive case of zoonotic ringworm ("Thanks Trumpet!") he had ever seen. These efforts earned Mark the Cub Scout Infectious Disease Merit Badge - and let him miss school for several weeks. But this valiant research effort was not without personal risk as noted by the significant scalp lesions observed in Mark's Third grade class photo. Some detractors of Dr. Scott claim that these scalp lesions are evidence of deeper fungal brain lesions which could explain his adult (or, more correctly, semi-adult) behavior and, possibly, the genesis of the WHN.
1967: Ecological and Embryogenesis Research
“Tadpole Science: Understanding Human Reproduction” (i.e., Swamps Creatures Are Sexy!)
Mark, reeling from the trauma of infectious disease research, and possibly a raging case of cooties, turned his attention to ecological/embryological research. Fortunately, living just a long bike ride away from the Valley-Hi Golf Club in Colorado Springs, he was provided the opportunity to learn about sex and baby development.... "I mean tadpoles are the same as human babies right?" Dr. Scott asked in a recent interview.
1976: Ecological, Social, and Infectious Disease Sciences
“Prairie Dogs Responses To External Threats" (i.e., Flee the Fleas!)
Western Colorado University [then Western State College; WSC] beckoned and it was there that Mark turned his attention from the swamp (both the Valley-Hi Golf Club and Washington D.C.) to much more civilized society - that of the prairie dog. This was fueled in part by his love of dogs and his confusion about the canine nature of 'prairie' dogs. But, as the old song "My Dog Has Fleas" goes, Mark's research was interrupted when there was a bubonic plague outbreak amongst the prairie dogs colonies he was studying. The outbreak was discovered when two campers, in the campground adjacent to the study site, became infected with the disease. Mark, despite flea bites, remained healthy but was ejected from the colony by jack-booted government agents....
1959: FIRST Scientific Presentation
“Understanding the Infectious Nature of the Cooties Pandemic” (i.e., Why Girls are Icky!)
Still reeling from the trauma of his exile from the Magic Kingdom, young Mark thus turned his attention to science - specifically the science of girls - a life long fascination, er, danger? It was during this 'research' that Mark published his first paper (in red crayon) entitled "Understanding the Infectious Nature of the Cooties Pandemic" or, as stated in the lay summary, "Why girls are icky!". Importantly, this study was the future Dr. Scott's first foray into the world of infectious diseases - also his life long fascination, and some would say, affinity to cootie vectors.
1979: The Extinction Mandate
"Gerbils Armageddon!" (i.e., Off With Their Heads!")
Despite the abrupt end of his university field work on those gosh-darn cute singing rodents, Mr. Scott's field skills were found to be in great demand because of an ongoing GERBIL-LED ARMAGEDDON! Niger, one of the worlds poorest countries [located in West Africa], was in the midst of a rodent insurrection in which delinquent gerbils were consuming the millet and sorghum [Bird seed in the USA] that were the main food crops. In light of this crisis, jack-booted government agents, er, Peace Corps recruiters enticed the newly graduated Mr. Scott to become a Rodent Control Biologist in Niger. Patrolling over 16,000 km2 Mr. Scott became the scourge of gerbils, and by his account, a local hero! Along with his fellow small-game hunter, Mr. Moussa Bouda, gerbil coats were provided to every child in Dakoro, Niger. While research suggests that is not true, he did provide free! ice cubes to the local kids when the temperature exceeded 100°F! [Mark had one of the very few kerosene-powered refrigerators in the town of 6,000] Mark was also generous in other ways; e.g., he helped Moussa save to buy a wife (hey, that is the local way - don't blame Mark!) and he gave a German scientist BIG jars of alcohol... filled with gerbil heads... The German scientist was studying gerbil sub-speciation based on cranial fusion patters. But, it was not all 'alcohol on the rocks'. Mark's predilection for studying infectious diseases once again blossomed, as did a life-long interest in malaria. Employing an easy to use in vivo model (himself), Mark repeatedly studied malaria both in Niger and, upon his return, the United States. As noted, self experimentation with infectious disease had became a hallmark of Mark's research methods (see: cooties, ringworm and bubonic plague).
1974: Investigative Journalism
“The Watergate Report"
(i.e., Tricky News!)
Having obtained extensive experience in handling slimy subjects (see Tadpoles), Mark turned his attention to Richard Milhous Nixon. The short-lived World Headline Gazette, the precursor to the World Headline News, published the DEFINITIVE 1974 history of the then ongoing Watergate scandal. SPOILER: Nixon was was much more innocent than Trump....
1982 - 1984: Ecological and Infectious Disease Sciences [Masters Degree]
“Muskrat Love, Giardia lamblia and You" (i.e., Oh SH#%!)
Well, SH#%! What do you do when you return to the U.S.A. with the sole skill set of beheading gerbils? Mark faced a dilemma. Deciding to use his previous experience in sociological studies (see prairie dogs), Mark initially worked as a youth counselor at a LOCKUP boys 'home' - however, having to daily pat down the few kids who attended public school was worse than beheading gerbils. He then turned to his comfort zone: SH#%. Mark began working in the laboratory of the Colorado Springs wastewater facility - but it was SH#% work. Mark decided to return to Western Colorado University in January 1982 to pursue a Masters degree. Because of his expertise in SH#%, Mark formulated the hypothesis that muskrats might be an alternative host for the protozoan parasite Giardia lamblia. Why Giardia? Mark was an avid backpacker in the Rocky Mountains and had (as usual) self-experimented more than once by ingesting Giardia cysts (middle panel) liberating the 'little suckers' and then completing (oh, SH#%) the transmission cycle (i.e., back into pristine mountain stream water). To investigate his hypothesis, and using his SH#% skills, Mark live-trapped wild muskrats, maintained them in the University biology lab, and collected their feces (i.e., SH#%) for laboratory examination for Giardia cysts. The END results (that's a butt joke, folks) were that muskrats are vicious creatures who can easily bite through even the thickest leather gloves. But gentle folks, rest assured, at the conclusion of the study all muskrats [except for 2 who died 'in custody' and who's fur were used to make fishing flies] were released back into the wild! Now that's what (1976) call "Muskrat Love!"
Remember: Drink Coors® Beer - It's Brewed With 'Pure' Rocky Mountain Spring Water
1984 - 1987: For Duty and Humanity ...and a Ph.D. in 'Mini-Soda' [Ph.D. Degree]
“The Pathophysiologic Role of Superoxide Dismutase" (i.e., Ain't Nothin' 'Super' About Superoxide)
Armed with an M.S. in Biology, Mark, not wanting/fearing to join the work force, decided to continue his education. Fascinated by the pathology of diseases, Mark joined the Pathobiology Ph.D. Program at the University of Minnesota (Minneapolis) and quickly joined the laboratory of Dr. John W. Eaton. When asked about his selection criteria for choosing the Eaton lab, a chagrined Dr. Scott stated, "He had a throne room (!), a dedicated beer refrigerator, the liquor store delivered straight to the lab, mortuary science lab (more ethanol) was two floors up, and Eaton was simply crazy." Highlights of the lab included the weekly beerfest, er, N.E.R.O (Near East Radical Organization) seminar series that covered a variety of 'radical', and truly interesting, scientific topics (potato storage, pigeon flight, porcine malignant hyperthermia, etc). Most N.E.R.O. announcements would comfortably fit into the pages of the WHN - but not the infamous 'feather' announcement. Fortunately, Department Chair Dr. Ellis Benson and Graduate Studies Administrator Linda Kenny worked overtime to keep Mark 'mostly' sober and grounded.
1988 - 1993: Antioxidant Defense in Red Blood Cells
“H2O2 - The Messenger of Death" (i.e., Building Model RBCs)
In January 1988, desperate to escape the cold of Minnesota, Mark accepted a job at the Childrens Hospital Oakland Research Institute (CHORI; Oakland, California) with the Institutes Director Bertram Lubin M.D. 'Uncle' Bert was a generous mentor and gave the newly minted Dr. Scott abundant financial resources to pursue whatever research he wanted "...as long as it involves red blood cells." Thus, Dr. Scott began work on RBC oxidant defense systems and eventually hemoglobinopathies. But infectious diseases still called Dr. Scott's name and he continued doing a bit of side research on malaria with longtime collaborator Steve Meshnick at City College of New York City. These studies utilized Dr. Scott's 'resealed RBC model' that he initially worked on with Dr. Eaton in Minnesota as a side project.
But, in 1989 (because of his addiction to French croissants) Mark accepted a visiting research position with INSERM at the Hôpital Henri-Mondor in Créteil, France (just outside Paris). A swap of his Oakland apartment for a downtown Parisian apartment (with a visiting French researcher at CHORI) for a year worked out well. Upon returning from France, Mark continued to woo a mystery woman who also worked at CHORI. In 1991, this foolish woman made the worst mistake of her life ...as would soon become apparent in 1993. But perhaps (at least to our subscribers) the MOST significant accomplishment at CHORI was the January 1993 founding of the World Headline News....followed by the February 1993 announcement of it's pending departure to Albania.
Arriving in Albania, Dr. Scott commenced teaching and developing the concept that would eventually become the core of his research for the next 30 years: the immunocamouflage of cells using PEG [of note, Mark had worked with PEG during his Ph.D. studies in 1986]. It was also at this time that Mark was universally crowned The Royal Bastard of Albania. Research into the origin of his Royal title has uncovered some dispute as to its genesis: Dr. Scott claims it is a hereditary honorific arising from the extensive selected breeding program that yield him, though most other information suggests it was due to his management style of his laboratory serfs, er, members (as previously noted, Mark has found threats of beheading are always motivational).
2002 - 2022: OH, CANADA!
"Foiling Bush, the Border Patrol, and the Immune Police" (i.e., Fleaeing the Draft)
Dr. Scott, accompanied by a 'mysterious woman' [remember: Witness Protection Program!], arrived in Canada in January 2002 to the cheers and applause of, well, nobody... In fact, evidence suggest that they were smuggled into the country in modified Molson® beer kegs by the nefarious master spy DVD. However, fear of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) made the 'hoppy'-couple (remember, beer kegs...) settle in SOUTH Surrey - a mere 'hop' (another beer keg?), skip, and a jump from the American border should they need to flea, er, flee at a moment's notice.
DISCLOSURE: Despite Dr. Scott's claims that his field work experience was key to his recruitment as a Rodent Control Biologist, Ms. Goodlost discovered that the only key requirement for the position was an "...ability to change a 75 lb. Land Rover tire."
Dana V. Devine, Ph.D.
Canadian Blood Services
In Albania, Dr. Scott recruited Dr. Amanda Bradley, a newly minted Ph.D. from the University of British Columbia, to his lab. Subsequent research findings suggest that Amanda (ensconced in the Big Bertha House) was likely a Canadian spy charged with recruiting renowned American scientists to Canada. However, Amanda, being so nice (she IS Canadian), was a terrible spy and, when reporting back to her semi-Canadian spy master (a mysterious entity originally code-name Laserdisc, but later updated to DVD) mistakenly suggested the abduction, er, recruitment, of Dr. Scott. In 2001, using advance psy-ops techniques ["Mark, we've got all you can eat Timbits®!"], DVD's reputed henchwoman, Dr. Dana V. Devine, offered Mark, and his mysterious bride (name redacted due to her 1991 placement in the Witness Protection Program), the opportunity to flee Albania to 'sunny', but never snowy, Vancouver. Surprisingly, a clever misdirection ploy by the mysterious DVD to have them visit Vancouver during the lone 2 week period in summer when rain and snow were unlikely, worked...
Albany was one of the most productive periods of time for the publishing juggernaut that the World Headline News had become. Hard hitting international crime reports (e.g., Mother 'Machine Gun' Theresa) and exposes on scandals enveloping the Albanian Medical College often threatened Mark's academic employment. But Mark's legal and bribery teams were well prepared. When an outraged Polish pathologist took exception to reports on Pope Hugh Hefner I [Issues and ], Mark's strategic personnel hiring decisions solved the problem (i.e., Mark had employed the Department Chairman's son). But the WHN was not the only publishing effort undertaken by Dr. Scott. In 1993, Drs. John Eaton, Simon Wolf and Nick Hunt founded the journal Redox Report. Dr. Scott was named an Associate Editor as well as the Editor of the Redox Report E-Letter. Dr. Scott also undertook designing the cover of the journal - which he did in spectacular manner. Surprisingly, Mark's cover (below), when submitted to the publishing house's English Overlords [I mean it is England and there are lots of Lords], was NOT warmly received. Upon reflection, Dr. Scott was heard to muse, "Perhaps I should have used Prince Andrew instead of Charles..." Dr. Scott later became Co-Editor of Redox Report with Nick Hunt from 2002-2005.
"So what if he technically owns the WHN. He is always broke and he hasn't paid me once in the almost 30 years I've worked for him - that's partially why he is know as the Bastard of Albania! So frankly, him losing his paycheck isn't going to impact the WHN at all. Hell, it's a good thing that the Ander-Thal family made a fortune with our Jurassic Park amusement operation, at least until the escaped... If I wasn't independently wealthy, I would have shut the news operation down a long time ago... like in the Cretaceous age.... But the WHN serves a critical role in educating not just Americans but Canadians and Albanians as well. So, I shall soldier on single-handedly saving the world... sigh"
* Except for those operations not covered by the Provincial Health Plan
WHN Editor Ned Ander-Thal States Loss of Potential Funding to Have MINIMAL Impact on his Operations*
Ned Ander-Thal or Jeff Bezos?
Dr. Scott Has Significant Ownership Stake In the
WORLD HEADLINE NEWS
For A Complete
visit Dr. Scott's laboratory website
By Dori Klowns Goodlost
SCOTT: Genius or Grifter
An ILLUSTRATED Obituary of The Scientific Career of
Mark D. Scott, Ph.D.
During a contentious editorial board meeting in 1993, founding Editor Mark Scott was deposed and WHN janitor Ned Ander-Thal was elected (by a vote of 6-1) as the new managing editor of the WHN.
Almost Washington State (WHN) January 18, 2021. While Dr. Scott's biographer Doris Kerns Goodwin, er, Dori Klowns Goodlost, has done an excellent job unravelling the career of Dr. Scott to the end of 2021, we at the WHN wanted to know what the FUTURE holds for our founder (now junior janitor).
To answer this question, the WHN consulted with noted Mystic Ned Ander-Thal (left panel; ok, Ned holds a side-gig because Mark hasn't paid him for almost 30 years). According to Mystic Ander-Thal, the former Dr. Scott will adapt exceptionally fast to retirement ("Mystic camera' photo; middle panel) and will continue to break (oops...) exclusive news stories for the WHN (right panel) that will clearly win another coveted:
BEST NEWS SH#% AWARD
NOW WHAT: What Does the FUTURE Hold For An Unemployed Mark Scott?
1993 - 2001: The Albanian Medical College Era
“Ironing out the Problem with Thalassemic RBC" (i.e., Hiding Out From The Laws of Immunity in Albania)
Things were going swimmingly in Oakland. Mark had received his first grants (a NIH Program Project sub-grant and a NIH First Award) when Svengali came calling. John W. Eaton had left Minnesota for the beguiling burg of Albany, NY and the Albany Medical College where he was heading up the new Experimental Pathology program. Using a hard sell tactic ("Hey Mark, want to come to Albany?"), Mark abandoned Oakland for what would become the Albanian Medical College ...dragging the reluctant victim of marriage with him.
"Off With Their Heads!"
"Just like the gerbils..."
Due To The Length Of This Article, 'Chapter'
Links Are Provided.
Dr. Scott has conducted a variety of research scams, er, projects encompassing microbiology, hematology, virology and immunology. Ultimately, all these seemingly diverse areas of study resulted in a cellular bioengineering approach that Dr. Scott has coined "IMMUNOCAMOUFLAGE". Immunocamouflage is induced consequent to the chemical gluing of nanoscale inert polymers to the cells surface. The resultant immunocamouflage of the modified cells inhibits recognition of foreign cells by the immune system.
Employed by the Canadian Blood Services and University of British Columbia, Dr. Scott (and hostage, er, wife) settled into life in Canada. However, research was not without challenges. To finance the lab, Dr. Scott found it necessary to extort money from Cilla Perry, commonly referred to as 'Cilla The Cruel', the Chancellor of the CBS Exchequer. Cilla and her loyal apprentice, Hedy '!JACKPOT!' Dopson, resided in the mythical city of Ottawa and, due to the great expanse of Canada, claimed that sending research funds to Vancouver was problematic. To solve this problem, Dr. Scott turned to an old Albanian smuggling trick: Carpathian Mountain Goats and Nigerian, er, Albanian, Scam Letters. Using this time tested technique, Dr. Scott requested the simple transfer of his late father's retirement funds - $430,368,742,351.23. Strangely, this request that was met with concern by some at CBS. Despite their protestations, 'Cilla The Cruel' did eventually funnel money to the Scott Lab; but not, for some odd reason, the full $430,368,742,351.23. By happenstance, one cold 'cruel' day [brrr!] shortly after (days or was it years?) the problematic fund transfer, 'Cilla The Cruel' mysteriously 'retired' from CBS.
EXPERIENCE THE MAGIC OF
as a purse disappears into Dr. Scott's office carpet!
Sir William Sheffield, Ph.D.
Canadian Blood Services
His Lordship, CBS Associate Director Sir Dr. William Sheffield on a typical 'Work' day.
But most the rewarding aspect of the past 40 years for Dr. Scott has been the people he has had the opportunity to work against, er, with. Dr. Scott wishes to express his gratitude to you all.
While initially wanting to do malaria work (but this time avoiding self-experimentation), Mark instead was enticed by French E. coli. that over expressed superoxide dismutase (SOD) - Mark mistakenly thought they came with free croissants. His affinity for all things French would again rear its 'tete de moche' in a few years time. Working hard (necessary to stay warm in Minnesotan winters and to avoid the summer mosquitos), Mark completed his Ph.D. in a mere 3.5 years and was awarded the . Beyond the Ph.D., perhaps the most important thing Mark earned at the University of Minnesota was the friendship of John Eaton and Diane Konzen; ....in contrast, the lifelong addiction to Ruffles® was not something Dr. Scott wished to discuss.
WARNING: Cootie Cutie
Approach With Caution!
Only with some fancy footwork did Mark capture his Ph.D.
The WHN has discovered that 'Cilla The Cruel' splits her time between equestrian sports and lounging on a Caribbean island while '!JACKPOT!' Dopson was last seen in a casino... Coincidence, we think not!?
“He's not a nice man! He makes fun of me and he didn't vote for me....”
Brought to you by the fine folks at
"It's time to RE-TIRE your car!"
SEMI-inFAMOUS 'ALBANIAN' SCIENTIST TO
Some 20 plus years ago, Canada had the benefit of being able to recruit/kidnap Dr. Mark Scott from Albany, New York. At that time I was the R&D program director, and a former graduate student of mine was a postdoctoral fellow in Mark's Albany lab. Mark had invented stealth erythrocytes and this seemed like a great product for patients who had so many antibodies that they were not transfusable. So, we managed to talk Mark into moving to Vancouver. I'm not sure I will ever live down telling him to sell his snow blower because we rarely get snow in Vancouver and when we do it changes to rain within a few hours. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule and Mark could always remind me that he had left his snowblower in Albany at my recommendation. Sorry, Mark!
I think that a couple decades in Canada have benefited Mark and the World Headline News! No worries about US Homeland Security stopping by for a little visit….. And he's still allowed into the US!
We'll miss you Mark, but hopefully you will come visit on a regular basis! I'll even buy the coffee…..
All the best,
Well, fortunately, Mark did bring his snow 'thrower'....
HISTORICAL MARKER: ON THIS DATE IN 2002, DR. SCOTT JOINED CANADIAN BLOOD SERVICES
It’s hard to believe it has been twenty years since Mark Scott joined our merry crew (also called 'The Crack Team') at Canadian Blood Services, the seekers after truth and enlightenment in the research and development program. We quickly learned that Mark has a sharp scientific mind and an even sharper wit! Some kindred spirits were even introduced to the World Headline News in all its glory. Before long we learned that Mark was not actually Albanian (resolving the mystery of how a man with such an Anglo-Saxon surname could be from the Balkans), but was instead paying homage to his former scientific gig at Albany Medical College by calling himself “The Bastard of Albania”. Sharp wit notwithstanding, Mark was never a “bastard” but was instead an innovator with a keen eye for novelty, a patient and effective mentor, and an engaged and dependable collaborator. He adopted the polar fleece vest with enthusiasm, sporting his CBS one or his CBR one as appropriate…and probably even wore one in his secret “stealth” domicile in a town codenamed “White Rock” (close enough to the border if he needed to make a run for it?). While apparently not the owner of any neck ties, Mark always had the best tech, and used it to advantage to watch movies when compelled to fly across North America to the Canadian capital of Bytown, long before this was commonplace (the tech that is). As of February 2022, Mark will join Britney Spears in freedom (why did the WHN not mount a “Free Mark campaign” before now?) Fly like an eagle, Mark, and enjoy the next chapter of your life – I will miss you and will come looking for you and Wendy eventually, stealth domicile notwithstanding.
Yours in science and humour, uh, humor,
Famous Small Game Hunter
It's time to go...