The World Headline News

Click on the page below that you wish to navigate to:

World Headline News

Satire

www.thewhn.com

Click on the page below that you wish to navigate to:

World Headline News

Satire

(placeholder)

Exclusive to the

World Headline News

(placeholder)
(placeholder)

November 6, 2018

Almost Washington State (WHN) Due to the deplorable state of the new broadcast television shows, the U.S. Senate was forced to take drastic action to provide the American public with "Supremely" entertaining television programming they deserve.  Hiring Rosanne Barr's former comedy writers, the Senate Republicans created a comedic (tinged with sorrow) Reality Show variation of the classic Milton-Bradley game (played and enjoyed by all) of "Beer Pong".   Starring Brett "The Mad Boozer" Kavanaugh, this mad capped comedy followed Brett's hilarious journey and hijinks on his way to becoming the "The Mad Supreme".   The series concluded with a surreal confrontation and vote in the Senate.  As the 114th Justice of the Supreme Court, Justice Kavanaugh has pledged (WHN EDITOR: no, not to Alcoholic Anonymous) to "...protect the rights of Republicans and beer drinkers, though I think they are the same, everywhere. Cheers!  But to you others, this whole two-week effort has been a calculated and orchestrated political hit, fueled with apparent pent-up anger about President Donald Trump and the 2016 election, fear that has been unfairly stoked about my judicial record, revenge on behalf of the Clintons and money from left-wing opposition groups.... but money from my right wing supporters is ok!"

Sept-Oct Trumprises...

"I LIKE Beer... and 'Ralph' Is my friend Who lives in the 'Bermuda Triangle'... and I have signed consent forms for every girl I have ever groped, er, dated.  They're filed with my calendars..."

(placeholder)
(placeholder)

SUPREME ENTERTAINMENT!

(placeholder)

WORLD MARVELS AT

TRUMP UN SPEECH!

'Trump Truly Brought Joy, well, laughter, to UN Delegates'

We don't need/want no stinkin'

14th Amendment

Der Trumpenfuhrer has proposed ending birthright citizenship by Executive Order stating that "Only the United States allows this".  In fact, at least 33 other countries have birthright citizenship (including Canada, and ironically, Mexico).  Moreover, citizenship is defined by the 14th Amendment of the United States Constitution, something that can NOT be altered by simple Presidential Decree.

Der Trumpenfuhrer's recent decree that he is a "Nationalist" has engendered support and encouragement of multiple civic organizations such as the Klu Klux Klan (KKK), Aryan Brotherhood, and Steve Bannon.  Recent U.S. Trademark filings by an unknown entity based on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C. have been made for the MAGA ("Make America Great Again") derivative of MAWA ("Make America White Again").  But to achieve MAWA, birthright citizenship must be curtailed and voting rights of all newly defined "illegal citizens" must be disenfranchised.  

Almost Washington State (WHN) September 25, 2018.  Today "Der Trumpenfuhrer" gave his long awaited speech to the assembled delegates of the world's nations at the United Nations in New York City.  According to those in attendance, Der Trumpenfuhrer brought tears to many of the delegates.... due to both side splitting laughter and heart wrenching fear. Much of Der Trumpenfuhrer revolved around, well himself, as he boasted of his often imaginary, but occasionally real, accomplishments: "I have accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country! So true!!" The height of Der Trumpenfuhrer American accomplishments has been his 2017 tax reform package:  "Thankfully, many American can now afford an extra pizza and a night at the movies, including 1 medium tub of popcorn, every month... at least until the cuts expire in 2025".

Trump invites CNN's Jim Acosta to

Saudi Arabia's Mar-A-Lago Consulate

Wishes to Improve White House Reporting

Almost Washington State (WHN) The increasing lack of civil discourse within America has become of increasing concern to Der Trumpenfuhrer as it has led to civil unrest among ~ 60% of Americans.  But what is to blame for the current situation.  While some (likely illegal aliens... or possibly just aliens) blame the ofttimes harsh rhetoric of Der Trumpenfuhrer, his spokes people are quick to refute those claims.  Ms. Sarah Sanders-Huckabee stated from the podium, "It is not Der Trumpenfuhrer who is fanning the flames of intolerance and race, it is the people who dare to question him and who are not born appropriately who are to blame!  In addition, people irresponsible journalists have the temerity to report facts and to question the "truths" as told by our Dear Leader.  But Der Trumpenfuhrer is not heartless - this was confirmed using a stethoscope - and wants to heal the divide enveloping the United States... except maybe California and New York, they can go to hell.  But this requires the 'good people' on both sides to act responsibly.  This means that the Press must not hide behind the First Amendment and must simply disseminate Der Trumpenfuhrer vision of  the NEW America.  One devoid of inconvenient truths and unnecessary color.  But the healing has to start somewhere.  Hence, Der Trumpenfuhrer has invited Jim Acosta to the newly constructed Saudi Arabian Consulate at Mar-a-Lago for a 'head-to-head' meeting.  Mr. Acosta should NOT be afraid as the meeting will be held under the protection of  Prince Mohammed bin Salman - a know champion of journalists everywhere."When asked about the planned meeting during a campaign stop in Florida, Der Trumpenfuhrer stated, "Reporting will be so much better once that Acosta is, shall we say, permanently grounded on the 18th hole..."

Ruling By FEAR And EXECUTIVE DECREE:  Rationality, Race and Constitutionality Be DAMNED

The Trump Presidential Toolkit:  Playing to FEAR!

(placeholder)
(placeholder)

Brett 'The Mad Supreme' Kavanaugh:  "Justice is a very fluid thing... I mean you need fluids for justice...and beer is a fluid.  Thus, Beer = Justice; hence I am an expert at dispensing and consuming justice."

Exclusive Photo By: Ned Ander-Thal; ©2018.

Senate Democrats, initially unhappy with the script, attempted to add drama to the show.  The script changes, authored by a Christine Ford, a west coast writer and academic, while highly believable to both Democrats and Republican Senators (per their televised hearing comments) and of interest to the general public were subsequently heavily edited by the Republican Directors and Producers.  According to Director Grassley, this was done to assure that a PG rating was maintained.  Hence, Republicans insisted that any and all allusion to "sex" was heavily discounted.  However, knowing how the general public loves a warm hearted and humorous drunk (See "Otis" in The Andy Griffith Show) Mr. Kavanaugh, through intensive 'study', played the role with gusto.  The future Supreme stated “Sometimes I had too many beers. I liked beer. I still like beer. But I never drank beer to the point of blacking out, and I never sexually assaulted anyone.  At least as far as I can remember...”  Democrats charged that these comments could be construed as perjury under oath, but that would have prolonged the series and this plot line remained unexplored (despite abundant evidence provided by Brett's high school friends and college roommates).....  

Der Trumpenfuhrer SPEAKS! at the United Nations.

Exclusive Photo By: Ned Ander-Thal; © 2018.

Almost Washington State (WHN) Exercising his in-alien-able rights to xenophobia, Der Trumpenfuhrer announced the relocation of up to 15,000 federal military personnel  to USA-Mexico border as a pointed pre-election publicity stunt.  Of some interest is that this 'military force' is comparable to the number of US Troops still stationed in Afghanistan.  Moreover, under US law (Posse Comitatus Act of 1878) , federal troops are NOT allowed to enforce civil law in within the US - that is something only the National Guard can do and they must be activated by the Governor of the state. Estimated cost of troop movement is estimated at $200,000,000 to $300,000,00 dollars.  These troops are being moved into place to 'protect' the US from an estimated 4,000-5,000 Guatemalan, Honduran and, to a much lesser extent, Mexican citizens - primarily women and children.  Currently, the bulk of individuals are still more than 800 miles from the border.  This works out to spending $50,000 per migrant.

However, The White House stated that this is NOT a political ploy to induce fear into the public prior to the the mid-term elections.  Per Sarah Huckabee -Sanders, "This is simply the Military parade that the Donald has always wanted.  Just like 'THE WALL' Mexico will pay for this parade."  

Protecting

Our ETHNIC Borders

But, of importance to developing nations everywhere, the really good news is the massive cuts in the Corporate tax rate and the maximum tax rate for the wealthiest individuals.  These savings will allow for larger offshore accounts, and benevolent payments to various officials in unnamed countries, that will 'obviously' aid the poor in those nations as well as within the USA.  However, the crown jewels, according to WHN sources within RUSSIA, in Der Trumpenfuhrer  list of accomplishments are the destruction of both domestic civility and the longtime partnerships of the USA with Canada and Western Europe. Der Trumpenfuhrer also spoke at great length about the peace and tranquility of the Korean peninsula - thanks to his man-crush with Kim Jong Un.

However, this side splitting hilarity (versus Hillary) was short-lived as Der Trumpenfuhrer then focused on how the world must bend to his will and put America first: "You can no longer take advantage of America, you will do as I say, or I will unleash the might of the American military on your puny countries."  But Der Trumpenfuhrer was not solely menacing, as he noted how his leadership has encouraged and emboldened leaders such as the Philippines' Rodrigo Duterte and Saudi Arabia's Prince Mohammed bin Salman to tackle difficult domestic issues such as freedom and life... "especially freedom of the fake press and removing problematic fake journalists" ... by encouraging these placid, all powerful, leaders to "go places they were previously afraid to go.".

* Freedom of the Press; ** Citizenship, Due Process and Equal Protection Clause;  

*** Passed in 1878, this act prohibits the use of federal military personnel to enforce domestic policies within the United States.

(placeholder)

First* and Fourteenth Amendments** and Posse Comitatus Act*** Under Siege

Obviously NO Adults In The Room

Beer and Justice, I can DO Both...

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You in Winter 2019: The Great President, er, Dictator, er, President

Starring Donald J. Trump, Bret Kavanaugh, Kelly-Anne Conway, Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, Mike Pence (who?), The Deep State and a bitter General John Kelly.  With Ned Ander-Thal as the Editor of the "Free Press".  A World Headline News Pictures and United Artists production. BASED ON A TRUE STORY!

(placeholder)
(placeholder)
(placeholder)
(placeholder)