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Satire Since 1993

2017 - Return to Glory

Surrey (WHN)  As the January 20, 2017 Inauguration Date approaches, President-Elect Trump has been busy assembling his Cabinet and filling Federal vacancies.  Despite the stress associated with these endeavors, Mr. Trump and several of his 'closest' confidants shared their hopes and dreams for 2017 and beyond with WHN Political and LifeStyle Reporter Ned Ander-Thal.

December 1, 2016

The Return to American Glory

Exclusive to the World Headline News

Exclusive WHN Report:


President TRUMP Declares

Donald Trump: This is my dream for America. A God-fearing American GI eating a nutritious breakfast with his loving family.  And who is MORE American than Elvis Presley and his father Vernon and his grandmother Millie Mae.  This may have been taken in 1959, but 2017 is the New 1959!

Melania says I look like Gran'ma Millie Mae...  she is a mighty handsome woman.

Rudy Giuliani: This is my dream for America. Law and Order so that I can properly punish the enablers of illegal aliens and other things I don't like. We've grown soft and need to put the lead to the wall. 2017 is the New 1959!

2017 is the New 1959!

Kellyanne Conway: This is my dream for America.  The Donald needs a proper 'domestically sourced' First Lady.

2017: it's time for the New, New FLOTUS!

Chris Christie: This is my dream nightmare for America.  This is all the thanks I get for being the first to support 'The Donald'?  Barely a Governor anymore and when my term expires I'll be back to the same job I had in 1959... Serving 'crow' at Bob's Big Boy. 2017 is the New 1959... and I hate it.

Historical Note: While 1959 was a lovely year, Indochina was turning from a French Fry to an American Hot Potato... and not the kind that Grandma Millie Mae made .... leading to the less than pleasant, but musically great, 1960s.

Now To


HOW DID TRUMP WIN? He Lost The Popular Vote...

BUT HE WON THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE - the vote that counts!


Understanding The Origins Of The ELECTORAL COLLEGE

                                  Summary as of Nov. 28, 2016

                      POPULAR VOTE              ELECTORAL COLLEGE

Clinton:          64,654,483  (50.9%)         232  (43.1%)

Trump:           62,418,820  (49.1%)        306  (56.9%)


            A:   SLAVERY and TAX BREAKS

Surrey (WHN) - It's 1787 and the fledgling United States (all 13 of them) are facing a North-South Crisis.  Originally it was envisioned that Congress would elect the President (i.e., the Virginia Plan) but some people feared that this would lead to a small group of people with special interests hijacking the process for their own purposes.  Other people wanted a direct election of the president by popular vote.  But there was a problem with direct elections...  

The Northern, 'non-slave'*, states (NH, MA, RI, CT, NY, NJ, PA and DE) had a lot more 'voters' than the Southern (MD, VA, NC, SC, and GA) states... despite near equal HUMAN populations (Northern States: 1,815,011; Southern States: 1,764,627).  The problem was that 36% of the Southern humans were 'property' (i.e., slaves).  Slave owners argued that the slaves should count (and would vote as the Owners told them to) while Northern 'Libertards' (to quote Donald Trump) said, "Hey, my draft horses, who are my 'property' don't get to vote so why should your 'property' get to vote?!" This impasse threatened to divide the nascent union.  

Fortunately, TAX-BREAKS came to the rescue. A compromise was reached such that 'non-free' humans would be taxed at only 3/5 that of a 'free' human; provided that the Southern states would accept that the 'non-free' human would also only count as 3/5 of a voter (despite not getting to vote).  As a consequence, the advantage of the Free Northern population (1,765,770) which vastly outnumber the Free Southern population (1,132,034) was diminished by the inclusion of 379,556 non-free, 'non-voting' humans (i.e., 3/5 of the 632,593 slaves) in the Southern states.   Why did the Northern states agree to this? Northern states with small populations (e.g., NH, RI, NJ and DE) wanted to diminish the power of the population-rich states (NY, PA, CT and MA) and this compromise gave these states additional power.

To account for the 'non-voting' human property, the ELECTORAL COLLEGE was established giving each state a specific number of ELECTORS based on the agreed upon formula [Free + 0.6(non-free)] who in turn would elect the President based on the popular vote within each state.  Hence, in the Southern States, each true voter (read: property owning white) was equal to about 1.5 Northern voters (still white, but a more inclusive white).**  Moreover, to maximize the potential IMPACT of a single state, the ELECTORS of a state were awarded on a "winner-take-all" basis.***

This agreement (The Three-Fifths Compromise) was hugely beneficial to the Southern states in both economic and political terms**.... and likely delayed the US Civil War to 1860.  

* Only Massachusetts was truly slave free.  Of the total population of the 'Northern' states, 2.7% (~49,000) were slaves!

** In 1793 the Southern states had 47 of the 105 members of the Electoral College versus the 33 they would have had based on the 'free' population.

*** Today, two States (NE and ME) actually award their ELECTORS based on who won the congressional district that the current generation of ELECTORS represents.     

This mini-history lesson is provided to the WHN's international readers as a courtesy to help explain the origin of the American Electoral College.

December 1, 2016   •   Issue 86