Exclusive to the World Headline News
June 21, 2018 • Issue 105
OPERATION KIM-CHI: A shadowy operation reportedly orchestrated directly from the Kremlin offices of a Mr. Vlad M.R. Poutine; an obscure French Canadian expat previously exposed by the WHN. The code name was derived from the Russian codewords for Mr. Kim (Kim) and Mr. Trump (CHI; Child-Hostile-Idiot*)
According to intelligence sources, Mr. Poutine coerced both Mr. Kim and Mr. Trump into the meeting despite their mutual animosity. According to noted WHN Intelligence Agent Ned Ander-Thal, Mr. Poutine 's country, which shares a border with North Korea, threatened to withdraw economic aid and to block delivery of Kim Jong Un's favorite food... Spam® [EDITOR: a delicious meat-like product produced by Hormel]. Mr. Trump was more malleable than Kim and readily acquiesced to the meeting following a private screening of a video cryptically labeled "PP" followed by a look at some "election documents". Donald Trump Jr. also mentioned to the President that the Trump Financial Empire was a house of cards held together by Russian investments in Trump property condos. But why would Poutine and the Russians find this to their advantage? Mueller. Robert Mueller 007.
Behind The USA-Korea Summit
Singapore Summit photo of a besotted Mr. Trump revealing the signed agreement to an anxious world. Rumors abound as to what actually happened in the private meeting between the two global leaders. It is reported that Mr. Kim whispered into The Donald's ear his secret to GOOD press relations. In exchange for this secret, a tearful Mr. Trump promised to dump his other date (South Korea) and not attend their previously scheduled 'joint exercises'. South Korea reportedly feels jilted....
Surprising the world, "The Dotard" President Donald Trump met with His Excellency "Lil'Rocket Man" Kim Jong Un in a hug-fest in Singapore on June 12, 2018. "Camaraderie" (likely due to Russian influence?) rained as Kim and Trump spent time holding hands and hugging. A very, very, private meeting was held between the two in which Big Macs were consumed and an agreement was signed. Following lunch, Mr. Trump loudly proclaimed, "Kim's a great guy, very honest, very powerful. We will have Peace, or maybe it's Pence, in our time!" The Agreement, though devoid of any specific details or verification clauses, is, per Trump, "the greatest single achievement of any American President ever.... and that's saying a lot, because I've already done so much!"
But how did this historic meeting come about?
Not through traditional diplomacy, but through good
ol' traditional diplomatic intrigue and blackmail!
Kremlin sources (don't tell anybody, but it was Ned's distant cousin Ivan Ander-Thalovitch) stated that Mueller's FBI collusion investigation was gathering speed, as well as indictments and guilty pleas, thereby threatening the Russian hold on the White House. Poutine, fearing the worse, sent Ms. Breezy Danielovitch (August 1996 PlayBear of the Month), the Russian Commissar of American Presidential AFFAIRS, to Washington D.C. to determine if and how the situation could be saved. Domestically, it appeared that nothing could be done as Melania was unwilling to divorce The Donald under the highly restrictive conditions of the signed prenuptial agreement.... this left foreign affairs. Despite Breezy's most audacious and strenuous efforts, Mr. Trump ruled out affairs with Germany's Angela Merkel and England's Theresa May. It was time for Russian Hardball and a diplomatic 'red herring' to take the heat off Trump. A phantasmic Korean Peace Accord. Kim was hard to convince, but his love of Spam® [EDITOR: North Korean sources say that the West has confused supposed North Korea computer hacking with Spam®ing - i.e., the attempt to order Spam® and circumvent the Western trade embargo] and the North's dependency on Russian financial support resulted in his eventual acquiescence to the Russian 'red herring' plan. Trump was easy... very easy (at least according to Stormy Daniels). Poutine's armory included documents, mysterious video (code named PP), the cash prize (almost $1,000,000 US) associated with the Noble Peace Prize, and potentially pending indictments of Donald Trump Jr. and Sr. Victory in the East would distract the domestic masses and save the Presidency... and potentially be profitable. Time will tell if Poutine's plan is a winner.
* Mr. Vlad M.R. Poutine would like to make clear to the readers of the WHN that the Russian code word (CHI) for Mr. Trump was based on the fact that the President behaves like a spoiled CHILD, is HOSTILE to democracies, and is an IDIOT - all very good things from the Russian perspective. The Russians had no foreknowledge that USA immigration policy on the southern US border would be subsequently managed in a child hostile and idiotic manner. Mr. Poutine strongly condemns the inhuman policy of the American Administration. Per Mr. Poutine, "We do NOT separate families who enter my great Empire, er country; we make sure that they are all in the same gulag.... or grave ...."
Commemorative KOREAN SUMMIT KIMCHI
Available only from the Imperial Office of Vlad M.R. Poutine. (). Made from the finest Russian (formerly eastern Ukrainian) cabbage, this is the ONLY 100% Kremlin approved Kimchi available.
Hurry, Limited Supply!
(at least until we take over the rest of the Ukraine)
P.S.: People often want to know what Vlad's middle initials of M.R. stand for. According to the CIA Fact-Book, M.R. stands for Murderous Russian