December 10, 2020 • Issue 143
Almost Washington State (WHN) December 10, 2020. Despite Biden's 7,000,000+ more votes nationally, Mr. Trump continues to claim that he handily won the 2020 Presidential election both in the popular vote and the electoral college. "It's has to be fraud - I know this because I have committed more fraud than virtually any other person in the United States. Hey, look at Trump University, the Trump Foundation, Trump Airlines, Trump Casinos and a whole host of failed Trump condo projects. I've never been defrauded, I've only 'frauded'! I can't let this Sleepy Joe guy take my job..... and my temporary immunity.... Those 'Dominatrix' [Editor: Dominion] voting machines can't be trusted - why did the machine just punish me, but let the down ticket Republicans win.... those machines are so controlling! But I have a secret weapon: Rudy Giuliani and his ELITE STRIKE FORCE! This team of legal, political, and soft drink GIANTS will overwhelm the court system, legislatures, military might and vending machines of those states stolen by Biden and the DEMONcrats."
A NOTE OF CAUTION FOR THE REPUBLIC
FROM AMERICA'S FIRST PRESIDENT
World Headline News Editorial: Despite Biden's 7,000,000+ more votes nationally, the abject FAILURE of >50 lawsuits filed at the state and federal levels (including the U.S. Supreme Court) by the Trump campaign and its allies, the complete absence of any FACTUAL evidence (versus hearsay rumors arising from dubious characters) of actual voter fraud, much of the Republican Party has continued to refuse to acknowledge Joe Biden as President-Elect. It is clear that Republicans have placed the interests of the party, in the persona of Trump, over that of the country. ALL AMERICANS, and the democratic world, should be appalled at the undemocratic actions of the Republican party. The concerns of George Washington have clearly come to fruition. Donald Trump and the Republican party have attempted to "usurp for themselves the reins of government."
Mr. Trump's repeated phone calls to Republican officials in the swing states of MI, WI, PA, GA, AZ, and NV urging them to blatantly override the popular vote (i.e., will of the people) should be viewed as clear election interference and constituting, in essence, an albeit incompetent, coup attempt. The call from some Republicans to suspend the constitution and declare martial law is even more frightening. But most frightening is the utter failure of many Republicans (we are looking at you Moscow Mitch, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Ronna McDaniel and too many others to list) to condemn these actions. The common Republican refrain of "Mr. Trump has every right to pursue his legal options!", while TRUE, should also be balanced with the validity of those claims. As has been proven repeatedly by his failed lawsuits, the lack of credible witnesses, and the overt, DIRECT, attempts by Mr. Trump himself to subvert our democratic process, these same politicians should say in the same breath: "BUT President-Elect Biden won the Presidency fairly and we look forward to working with him to make our country a better place." The inability of most Republicans to do so does NOT bode well for the future of the United States.
WHN EXCLUSIVE: Trump's "ELITE STRIKE FORCE" Legal Team during a typical brainstorming meeting. Mr. Giuliani in particular is noted for his hard thinking - which occasionally results in the release of a brown cerebral matter. According to medical experts, this photographic evidence suggest that Rudy has "... sh#t for brains". World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.
BUT FIRST, a serious message to our readers.....
Trump: All I Want For X-Mas Is A Coup
"However [political parties] may now and then answer popular ends, they are likely in the course of time and things, to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people and to usurp for themselves the reins of government, destroying afterwards the very engines which have lifted them to unjust dominion."
FAREWELL ADDRESS • SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1796
Now, Back To Our Normally Scheduled Satire
Distressed Diaper Don Cries:
"Rudy, I need your ELITE STRIKE FORCE to reverse the 'will of the people'! "
Dear Subscribers and Innocent Victims,
The World Headline News can't exist without the support and subscriptions fees of our loyal, and disloyal, readers... as well as you people that only look at the pretty pictures. The WHN wants to assure our readers that Editor Ander-Thal is always at work to meet the unending demands of the news cycle. This workload has been further compounded by the multitude of subpoenas issued to Editor Ander-Thal by the Trump Administration. Not surprisingly, Mr. Trump's personal lawyer, the esteemed (or simply steamed) Mr. Rudy Giuliani, has forced the WHN to appear be before by the Georgia, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Arizona and Nevada GOP state legislators in an attempt to claim that supposedly biased reporting by our highly professional staff swayed the election towards Mr. Biden. Ned Ander-Thal denies any bias. Indeed, Mr. Biden's election threatens the very existence of the WHN. Without the rampant misbehavior of Mr. Trump, the milk toast Mr. Biden will bring back the bad ol'days of "No Drama Obama". In order to survive the next 4 years, until Mr. Trump is re-elected in 2024, we are dependent upon you, our subscribers, to make sure that the WHN can meet its rigid publication timelines…. [not that we actually have timelines…]
WHN Begins Its Annual Subscription Drive - We Say "GIVE TILL IT HURTS!"
The more it hurts you,
the better we feel!
Despite rumors that Editor Ander-Thal has lost focus and become a member of the jet-set partying in exotic Vancouver, Surrey, Wenatchee, and Point Roberts, the staff of the WHN wants you to know that Ned, at this very moment, is in the DARK…er room…. er, darkroom, and will have new exclusives in time for Christmas, New Years, and beyond - provided our subscribers "Give Till It Hurts!". Who knows, there are rumors that there will even be a 2021 sequel to our 2017 subscriber contest.
However, the WHN can’t do its mission without the support of our readers. Electrons continue to increase in price and Editor Ander-Thal's gin consumption has sky rocketed over the last four years. Hence, the WHN would very much appreciate the prompt payment of your annual $345,612.78 (Canadian!) subscription fee by our December 25, 2020 deadline as our subscription fee will !CHANGE! on January 1, 2021.*
Thank Your For Your Generous Support of the WHN....
* Effective January 1, 2021 the annual WHN subscription free will be 2¢ ...which may be way more than what it is actually worth…..
WHN EXCLUSIVE: IGNORE THIS PHOTO. Ned Ander-Thal and staff (well, technically a Christmas tree) holds the annual WHN Holiday Party at our World Headquarters. Rest assured that all of our subscriber fees will be used to support the core mission of the WHN... once we figure out what that is.... World Headline News © 2020 Luxi Wang and Ned Ander-Thal.
WHN EXCLUSIVE: As a fully paid subscriber to the WHN, you too can experience the same serenity and 'joy de vive' as long time subscriber Don B. of Toronto. Per Don B. "I'm much more serene now that I have a trusted news source!" World Headline News © 2020 D. Branch and Ned Ander-Thal.
UPDATE ON THE KEY 'SUCCESSES' OF THE ELITE STRIKE FORCE
Exclusive Interview with RUDY GIULIANI by Ned Ander-Thal
"Despite the less than zero successes of our more than 50 lawsuits filed at the state and federal levels, the complete absence of any legally FACTUAL evidence of actual voter fraud, but some great hearsay rumors from some very interesting 'witnesses', and great, but unproductive, meetings with a lot of brave GOP state legislators - hey they had to be brave because I'm a walking COVID-19 factory - we still feel that we have a great chance of turning this election around. I have my staff, er, Donald, calling every Republican official he can in the swing states of MI, WI, PA, GA, AZ, and NV to urge them to usurp the popular vote because, if Donny lost, it had to be fraud. I mean look at my guy, how can you ignore that cute little smirk on his face! If that doesn't work, General Flynn has a cool plan to suspend the constitution and declare martial law! I just want our money donors to know we've won.... Donny needs to payoff $400,000,000 in debt soon and I need my $20,000 a day to pay for my scotch! So even if the fake news shows Biden being sworn in on January 20, 2021 don't believe it... it's an apparition.... and I know something about apparitions because I drink 5 of these bottles of scotch a day. Gotta go, I have to 'toot' outta here and spread more misinformation, er lawsuits, and coronavirus. I promised Donny I'd get this done before his mysterious French-Canadian friend Vlad M.R. Poutine unfriended him on Facebook."
Senior Republican officials in House, Senate and Republican National Committee applaud the seminal (EDITOR: see Borat Subsequent Moviefilm) work of Rudy and the ELITE STRIKE FORCE.....
"Alex, I'll take farcical coups for $200!"
RIP Alex Trebeck
Exclusive to the
World Headline News