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World Headline News
July 4, 2019 • Issue 116
Lèse-Majesté - The NEW Norm
Almost Washington State (WHN) July 4, 2019. In an impassioned 4th of July speech given from the steps of the former LINCOLN, now TЯUMP, MEMORIAL, a visibly angry Pяesident Tяump condemned the recent uptick in un-American activities. While many of his comments focused on 8 year olds crossing the southern border, his real anger was towards the un-American Democratic contenders for the Presidency: "HOW DO YOU LIKE THOSE TANKS! Great aren't they! I plan to have a tank on every street corner in America by November 2020! Can you believe it, there are people who actually want to replace me - how can they even think about that. I am the best President ever, that's why Kellyanne Conway, Mitch McConnell, Brett Kavanaugh and Mick Mulvaney had this fine memorial renamed after me. In fact, many fine people have told me that they should rename Washington D.C. to Tяumpville... though I prefer 'Tяumpistan'.... as suggested by my very good friends Vlad M.R. Poutine, a fine French-Canadian and my other bros' Kim (Kimie) Jong Un and MBS [Editor: Mohammad Bin Salman Al Saud]. BUT my reign, er, well.. reign, is under threat by these un-Americans. But I don't blame the simple minded candidates like Biden and Sanders, those guys from Colorado, and a couple of other low IQ guys... I DO blame Elizabeth Warren and that Kamala Harris - they are NASTY women who are simply stooges for Hillary. Hillary is the 'Wizard of Nasty'. I know this because Sean Hannity said so this morning. So to protect America, I will be issuing the "Keep America Safe-Lèse-Majesté Law" Executive Order. By issuing this order, criticism of the State, meaning me, will be a treasonous act. America without me would make this country Mexico... well maybe Canada. My FIRST act under this new Law is to announce a $10,000,000 Reward for the capture of the Nasty Bandido Hillary Clinton who, via her rabid cult members Elizabeth and Kamala, are attempting a, currently legal, coup. I encourage the fine people in my biker gangs, neo-nazi movements, and the Senate to claim this reward.... which will be paid by the Tяump Foundation in the form of charter school waivers to The New Tяump University."
Mr. Tяump acknowledges that aspects of his new Law will be objected to by some so-called 'civil libertarians'. To placate these few, he has promised that he will immediately revoke the HATED Sharia Laws put in place by the nefarious Barack Hussein Obama II. These laws, secretly implemented by Obama and Hillary Clinton, were, according to several Republican strategists, responsible for the 2012 "re-election" of Obama as well as the 2017 Charlottesville riots. Per Mr. Tяump, "From this day forward, TRUE Americans will no longer be subject to public whippings or summary execution by beheading for saying "Merry Christmas" or "God Bless America". These punishments will be solely reserved for individuals who violate the Keep America Safe-Lèse-Majesté Law. To protect America, we are, right now, investigating some 20 Democrates we saw on T.V. last week."
The WHN reached out to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi for comment, but she was unavailable due to her detention, er, residence, in the recently opened Tяumpistan Re-Education Charter School. Education Secretary Betsy Devos explained to the WHN that no expense has been spared as the new charter school has hired the quality, and previously unemployed, faculty from Tяump University. When contacted by the WHN, Head Master David "Grand Wizard" Duke explained that Nancy was on a field trip, led by Dean Rudy Giuliani, to a newly constructed wall on the 'south campus'... "the same place he showed Hillary".
...and promises "Hated Obama Sharia Law will be repealed!"
Democratic Candidates BEWARE
Secret National Association of Zoroastrian Infidels (N.A.Z.I.) Plan:
W.H. Announces TяUMP Makeover For 2020 Campaign
TяUMP Tweets: "It tickles more than the old 'stache...
... but I get to enjoy my milkshakes MUCH longer ..."
Democrats Claim: " 'Adolf' to 'Stalin' is MINIMAL Change"
WHN EXCLUSIVE: Investigative Reporter Ned Ander-Thal has uncovered a secret White House plan conceived by John (not Michael) Bolton to remake "The Donald's" image prior to the 2020 Campaign. Per Mr. Bolton, "we want to soften his image... but not too much... Immigration Welcoming Camps, not concentration or internment camps..." © 2019 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News
Almost Washington State (WHN) July 4, 2019. Following months of whispers in the back corridors of Washington D.C., WHN Investigative Reporter Ned Ander-Thal has uncovered a secret White House plan to remake "The Donald's" image prior to the 2020 Campaign. The architect of "Project 'Stache'" was National Security Advisor John Bolton. Per Mr. Bolton, "We wanted to soften his image... but not too much. We want happy 'Immigration Welcome Camps', not Concentration or Internment camps..." .
Mr. Tяump, while expressing regret at the loss of his infamous toothbrush mustache stated that there were some positives as well, "Reminds me a bit of Stalin's. [EDITOR: see photo insert] Great leader by the way - very powerful - built a whole chain of hotels in Russia... I think the chain was called The Gulag Inns. But I do have to say that it tickles more than the old 'stache... but I can enjoy my milkshakes much longer and the sticky ketchup from the fries is always a pleasing surprise to Melania..." A well rested Nancy Pelosi, fresh from her recent camping excursion stated: "The Adolf to John Jr./Stalin look is not much of a change... Adolf vs Stalin...where's the upside?"
Rumored Executive Order
Tяump To Declare
One Chief Executive tweets:
"Nothing will make me more HAPPY than Hillary in stripes ..."
W.H. Issues 2020 Reward and Arrest Warrant for 'Nasty Bandido Hillary Clinton'
"She's still a 'bad hombre' and a threat to me, er, America! 2020 is the new 2016! Those 20+ Democratic Presidential contenders are nothing but Hillary's stooges.... She'll govern by proxy... Lock-Her-Up! Lock-Her-Up! Lock-Her-Up!"
"It works for Putin and Kim Jong Un"
According to Ned Ander-Thal, Project 'Stache was actually devised by Bolton along with other members of the National Association of Zoroastrian Infidels (N.A.Z.I.). The secret ties between Bolton and the N.A.Z.I. was uncovered when it was observed that Bolton was wearing a secret symbol of the Zoroastrians (see yellow circle in photo) as the "NEW" Tяump was unveiled to the American public, and Vlad M.R. Poutine, during the recent G20 in Japan. But who are the N.A.Z.I.? Zoroastrianism is the world's oldest monotheistic religion that is still practiced today. It is centered on a "dualistic cosmology of good and evil with a belief in the ultimate destruction of evil". The one GOD is a personal GOD and, perhaps similarly to Tibetan Buddhism, is passed from individual to individual - in this case to Donald J. Tяump in 2015. Based on these beliefs, some ("Obviously deranged" per John Bolton) individuals have confused with N.A.Z.I. with THE NAZI. The basic tenet of the NAZI movement was "monotheistic religion centered a dualistic cosmology of good and evil with a belief in the ultimate destruction of good." But, despite these gapping differences ("good vs evil") it is the definition of "good" and "evil" that becomes problematic due to the almost limitless scope of human rationalization. Indeed, as discussed by the Dolly-Llama of the Church of Bubba-ism, these monotheistic religions share significant similarities and may be, in fact, the same. Analysis of their symbolism may support this contention (see box below).
National Association of Zoroastrian Infidels N.A.Z.I.: Who Are They?
"Did somebody say 'Margaritas'!
NAZI or "NAZI"
To find out more about Bolton and the N.A.Z.I., the WHN talked to the Dolly-Llama, Supreme Leader of the Church of Bubba-ism. According to the The Dolly-Llama, evidence uncovered by famed Vatican researcher Robert Langdon on the symbology of the Zoroastrians and German Nazi suggest that they may, in fact, be closely aligned. According to the Dolly-Llama, "Ya'll gotta admit, dem bird feathers look a lot alike. I also gotta say that that orange guy on the 'Zoroastrofarian pin, got the same damn color as Tяump's tan and, by the way, my '63 Chevy pickup - though that's mostly rust - maybe Tяump's is rust too. Dem white rings also gotta mean something... I know they do in my 'red' neck of the woods...."