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February 1, 2019 • Issue 112
The Battle of the Wall
WHN Brain Teasers!
TяUMP: "Build The Wall!" Barbarians, or maybe they're Democrats, are at the Gate!
Almost Washington State (WHN) February 1, 2019.
Inspired by the Old Gods (Gods of Greed and Pride) and the New Gods (Gods of Fear and Intolerance) a crazed prophet emerged from the swamp to proclaim, "I shall build THE WALL! Only I and my WALL can protect you, my servants, from thine enemies - but not me..." Thus came unto the 50 KINGDOMS their future Overlard, er, Overlord.
• THE BATTLE OF THE WALL
In the annuals of the 50 KINGDOMS, "The Battle of the Wall" will long be known as THE penultimate moment of the reign of Donald 'Little Fingers' Trump, Overlord of the 50 KINGDOMS. In a bitter battle with the traitorous Hand of the King, er, President ('Nancy' of the House of Pelosi), 'Little Fingers' and his co-conspirators (e.g., Mitch of the Rich and Linseed of Graham Crackers) experienced repeated failure in trying to secure the funds and slaves necessary to build the wall.
Indeed, Overlard Trump's cry of "BUILD THE WALL", though screamed throughout the 50 KINGDOMS, faced fierce opposition by the friends of 'Nancy' of the House Pelosi. But these opponents failed to understand the grand vision of THE WALL as envisioned by our 'Master Builder-in-Chief'. Indeed, opponents of THE WALL were, according to Architect Trump, "Confused and misguided or possibly even dangerous Democrats". To clarify to the readers of the WHN, the esteemed 'Little Fingers' spoke at length to us about THE WALL:
ANSWER: Imp-Peach-Mint = Impeachment
Per the visions of the RED WOMAN. Priestess and Consort to 'Little Fingers'
"WINTER IS COMING... or perhaps already here..." and
THE PROFIT, er, PROPHET: Painted by Ned Ander-Thal, this neo-classical painting documents the moment that Donald 'Little Fingers' Trump emerged from the swamp holding forth the single commandment as spoke to him by both the Old and the New Gods: "BUILD THE WALL". Despite the divine origin of the commandment, many enemies have tried to thwart the Prophet; most notably 'Nancy' of the House of Pelosi. Original Painting now hangs in the National Art Gallery of the 50 KINGDOMS .
How Angels and Walls are Made
"I've had lots of problems with my enemies... mostly that person from the House of Pelosi who I like to call 'Nancy'. She's old... I would never grab her. I wanted to build the wall of concrete, but 'Nancy' said "NO". So then I said I would build the wall of steel slats, but 'Nancy' said "NO".... also we could not afford the steel because I put tariffs on imported steel because it is made by not-so-nice people who I call 'bad hombres' and 'Canadians'. But I'm a stable genius and thought hard, or maybe it was hardly thought, and I cam up with a brand new man-made material. I call 'N-ice'. 'N-ice' is tremendous as it is impervious to all onslaughts. The 'N' stands for 'Nancy' and 'ice' stands for Imperial Construction Enterprises (I.C.E.) or maybe it just stands for 'ice'; I don't remember which because I was having ice cream, two scoops .... 'Nancy' gets only one scoop. Because I am a brilliant builder the 'N-ice' wall' will only cost $40 billion dollars. Our enemies will pay for the wall... some people think that means the wildings from the Kingdom of Mexico, but they are wrong, I always meant the House of Pelosi. She may say "NO!", but I know that means "YES". But even if "NO" does means "NO", I will declare a Kingdoms Emergency and place a tariff on all illegal wildings, bales of marijuana, and other drugs that those bad hombres want to smuggle into the 50 KINGDOMS. We can easily do this because my very, very, very TALL wall we will only have one doorway so the wilding Mexicans and their products will have to come through that door. 'Nancy' will be so jealous that she will prostrate herself in front of me and beg me build a Northern N-ice Wall. Those Canadians are clearly white walkers and are also a bit of a problem."
• WILL THE WALL BE BUILT?
With a semi-steady hand 'Little Fingers' has continued to press forward, by threatening to go backwards: "If the 'Nancy' does not give me my money before the wildings do, I will shutdown the 50 KINGDOMS AGAIN. I'm not fooling around... at least that is what I tell the Melania, the RED WOMAN,.... so don't make me mad because I will send Mike 'The Mountain' Pence to 'Nancy's' House to burn it down. I will also scream "Give me da money, gimme da money, I want some money" cause that always worked on my Daddy." While 'Little Fingers' success is uncertain, the WHN has spared no expense and has consulted with the RED WOMAN, the finest clairvoyant, or perhaps charlatan, known, to ascertain the future of THE WALL.
TRUMP'S WALL: In a vision conjured by the RED WOMAN, 'Little Fingers' stands before the finished wall. Protecting the 50 KINGDOMS from invading hordes of wildings, TRUMP'S WALL is Tremendous, Unbreakable,N-ice, Naive, Elegant and Litigious. According to the architect-in-chief 'Little Fingers' Trump, the wall is unbreachable - except perhaps by very tall ladders (shown). However, according to 'Little Fingers' the enemies of the 50 KINGDOMS do not possess the advanced ladder technology necessary to climb OVER the wall. Per our Overlord, "The wildings know nothing of climbing, or timber construction; they are simple cave dwellers who dig big holes in the ground to live in. I've heard that some of these holes are covered with earth, I think they are called 'tunnels', and they can apparently stretch for miles."
The RED WOMAN: a mysterious woman known in some kingdoms as a clairvoyant but in others as a charlatan from across the Narrow Sea. This shape shifter helped 'Little Fingers' in his conquest of the 50 KINGDOMS. BELOW: The mysterious red forest, home to the RED WOMAN. PHOTOS By: Ned Ander-Thal, illegal wilding from North of the Wall.
In a seance conducted by The RED WOMAN for the WHN, an apparition of TRUMP'S WALL appeared before us and an eerie, strangely 'blue tinged' 'Little Fingers', praised THE WALL and told us of its construction.
"This glorious wall was built with the finest materials and paid for by the White Walkers, or as I call them Wilding Mexicans - what they didn't pay for the Wall? Then it must have been paid for by the evil House of Stark, or as I call them Democrats - what, they refused to pay! This wall was paid for by me through my Trump Foundation - what, my Foundation was forced into dissolution due to numerous counts of fraud by it! This wall was paid for by, er, let's not worry about that....
Look at it, tall and shiny! The N-ice TRUMP WALL will last forever - because as we know, climate change is a Dothraki hoax. It's called PERMA-frost because it is permanent! This N-ice wall will keep the invading hordes of the southern wildings at bay. I spared no expense in building the wall. We've used the finest materials available - primarily the tears of immigrant children - to build our wall of solid N-ice. Why N-ice? To both make our hearts impervious to the plight of others and to discourage invaders from warmer climates. The rumors claiming we used N-ice because 'Nancy' the Hand of the King, er, President, would not give me money for concrete is 'fake news'. I thought about using iron, but the is sacred' plus it's welded together with Dragon Breath - I wish my henchman Mike 'The Mountain' Pence would start using breath mints.... But tears, the secrete ingredient of N-ice, we have a virtually unlimited supply. Wilding children separated from their parents provide a boundless stream of raw material...."
HOW IS N-ICE MADE? N-ice can only be made by the tears of the innocent; a commodity that is typically in short supply. Declaring a Kingdom Wide Emergency, 'Little Fingers' sacrificed his personal comfort, to literally tackle this problem. Chasing down wilding mothers carrying small infants, 'Little Fingers' captured small children to provide the crucial 'tears of the innocent'. Moreover, due to the size of his brain, 'Little Fingers' discovered that the yield of tears and the strength of the N-ice could be enhanced if the 'tears of Angels' were blended in. Fortunately for Trump, according to Monsignor Ned Ander-Thal of the Archdiocese of Western Albania, captured wilding infants can be magically transformed into Angels. Using the unsung heros of the special services division of the Imperial Construction Enterprises (I.C.E.), sufficient Angels were 'constructed' for 'Little Fingers' allowing for completion of TRUMP'S WALL.
Shown is the exquisite ceiling mural celebrating 'Little Fingers' discovery of the 'Tears of innocents and Angels' found in the Room of Tears (Formerly Lincoln Bedroom) of the Trump Cathedral in the capital of the 50 KINGDOMS. Painting by Monsignor Ned Ander-Thal.
One Chief Executive tweets: "They are impossible
to solve.... SAD!"