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Satire Since 1993

Stable Brainiac

In the J. of B.S., Dr. Ander-Thal, in conjunction with Papua New Guinea scientist, and former (?) head hunter, Mr. Row B. Mule Air, has recreated the actual skull size needed to hold Mr. Trump's actual brain (see photo above).  As noted in the photo, Mr. Trump's brain is approximately the size of a 1958 Canadian Dollar coin or 1921 US Silver Dollar – but bigger than a British half-penny (thus convincingly disproving those who say he is a 'half-wit'; if anything, he is a 'full', or 'plus-sized', wit).  But if Mr. Trump's brain is so small, why is his head actually so BIG?  

The perplexing disparity between brain size and skull size initially stumped Dr. Ander-Thal's team of scientists until they talked to NASA scientists and factored in the human equivalent of the astronomical “dark matter”; a substance that accounts for most of the mass of the universe.  Per Dr. Ander-Thal, “Human dark matter manifests as Ego.  Analysis of the brain cavity of Mr. Trump suggest that his 'Ego Matter', i.e., vacuous space 'Dark Matter', is inordinately large for a human and, much like the universe itself, is constantly expanding causing the cranial cavity of Mr. Trump to expand.  As a consequence Mr. Trumps head has stretched out to its current enormous size… with some leakage to the lower body resulting in the bloating noted in his recent physical exam.”  Indeed, previous WHN reports had noted that Mr. Trumps head was well out of proportions with other aspects of his anatomy – perhaps the most obvious being Mr. Trump's tiny, tiny hands.  But was this a fault of bad reporting (i.e., “fake news”) or other nefarious or innocent explanations?

Fortunately for our readers, the integrity of the WHN remains largely intact.  First, Dr. Ander-Thal's findings state the HEAD has expanded due to the a "super ego build up within the cranial cavity".  However, the WHN is sorry to admit that we have previously used stock photos of the President, provided by the White House Press office, that implied that the brain of the President was both large and stable and capable of actually learning (see “Lessons Learned”).  Using Dr. Ander-Thal's B.S. publication, we have attempted to correct the previously manipulated White House photo to show the proper brain-body proportions of Mr. Trump.  As can be seen, relative to his true BRAIN (not head) size, Mr. Trump's fingers are normally proportioned.  But does Mr. Trump have other anatomical falsities?

'Stable Brainiac' or

'Dark Matter Maniac'

Renowned CBS Scientist Uncovers SHOCKING Truths Regarding Trump's Brain Size; Is Humanity At Risk?

Exclusive to the World Headline News

January 30, 2018   •   Issue 100

Almost Washington State (WHN) Renowned Canadian Brainiac Society (CBS) scientist Dr. Ned Ander-Thal today released new research on the brain of American President Donald J. Trump.  In a 'mind-blowing' paper published in a special issue of the Journal of Brainiac Science (J. of B.S.), Dr. Ander-Thal presents scientific evidence that “Mr. Trumps physical head is 5-6 times too big relative to the actual size of the brain encased within the cranial space.”  According to Dr. Ander-Thal, this worrisome finding is based upon state-of-the-art computer modeling using surreptitiously obtained whole body scans of Mr. Trump created as he went through airport security at Washington National Airport  (Mr. Trump's Spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders states, “Mr. Trump forgot where he parked Air Force One so he had to fly commercial to Mar-a-Lago.  Hence, this information was illegally obtained.  Prepare to be sued!”). Frighteningly for the American (World?) population, these findings, as well as the misplaced Boeing 747, raise the question of whether Mr. Trump is a “Stable Brainiac” as claimed by both Mr. Trump and the White House, or if he is a “Dark Matter Maniac” as reported in the highly respected scientific J. of B.S.   

Figure 1.  Journal of Brainiac Science  [J of B.S. (2018) 30:1-20.]. Ander-Thal et al. Dark matter expansion in confined cranial space:  potential Presidential catastrophe?. Reprinted with permission. Photo Credit:  Ned Ander-Thal

To uncover the answers to this question, the WHN turned to special 'under covers' investigator Ms. Stormy Daniels to fill in all the details regarding Mr. Trump's personal anatomy.  Per Ms. Daniel, an acknowledge expert in human anatomy, “I mean like everyone can see that his hands are so tiny, but who knew that his hands were sooo big compared to other parts of his anatomy…. I mean the guy wears baggy pants, but there is no real baggage to obscure.  Trump's blah.. it actually requires subatomic particle physics to describe the results of my investigative study!   For my next project, what I'd really like to investigate is my very, very favorite Doctor... Ned Ander-Thal, now there is some real anatomy…”.

In light of Dr. Ander-Thal's and Ms. Daniel's findings, the WHN asked whether Mr. Trump posed a danger to the American public and the world.  In response to this question, Dr. Ander-Thal responded loudly “Yes!”.  When pressed for details (but only after the sobbing stopped) Dr. Ander-Thal stated, “If you read the J. of B.S. paper, you would know that the evidence suggests that Mr. Trump's ego is continuing to expand.  This expanding 'dark matter' is trapped within a finite physical structure of the skull and has the potential to create a 'yuge' BIG BANG when the containment vessel is eventually breached.  Anyone within the surrounding vicinity is likely to be evaporated by the resulting explosion.”  Concerned by these findings, Democratic and, a very few, Republican Senators are calling for the Justice Department or the Department of Homeland Security to appoint a 'Special Surgeon' in an attempt to defuse the “ticking time bomb” that is Trump.  In a joint statement Senators Charles Schumer (D, NY) and Lindsey Graham (R; S.C.) state, “It is clear the Mr. Trump is a ticking time bomb.  We propose that the Department of Homeland Security quarantine Mr. Trump in the, as of yet, unused salt caverns of the nuclear waste repository of Yucca Flats.”  

However, not all individuals are concerned.  Mr. Rush Limbaugh of Florida states, “I too suffer from expansive dark matter and find that I can avoid catastrophic detonation if I simply 'blow off  some steam'  [Editor: steam is sometimes used as a vernacular word for 'dark matter'].  I spew this steam (NASA: radio wave energy) using my built in upper vent tube… ok occasionally some comes out my lower vent tube as well….  These controlled explosions are harmless to me and do not , typically, immediately kill those around me or receiving the radio waves… though the lower vent tube release may be toxic to other.”  Not all sources view Mr. Limbaugh arguments as convincing since the U.S. Surgeon General in the Obama Administration did label the Limbaugh vents as “potentially harmful to the listening public and the Republic.”  

While providing momentary relief to the public, Dr. Ned Ander-Thal cautions that “the cranial safety upper release valve is also commonly referred to as the 'oral cavity' or 'mouth'.  While the 'upper vent tube' can release tremendous amounts of vindictive 'dark matter', as evidenced virtually every time Mr. Trump speaks, the amount of 'dark matter' trapped in Mr. Trump's cranial space exceeds even the capacity of his rather large mouth – especially since said mouth is often obstructed by cheeseburgers, fries and diet coke.”

When asked about the dangers posed by Mr. Trump, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly states, “We are well aware of these dangers and the partial obstruction of the upper safety release value – though I can personally tell you that there is NO obstruction of the lower release valve…or... to be clear justice.  But, because we hear the 70% of  Americans, but only 2% of Russians, are concerned about Mr. Trump's potential volatility, we have implemented the tertiary safety release Twitter valve present on The Donald's thumbs.  Per the J. of B.S. paper, we learned that digital (i.e., thumb) movements can aid in the 'safe' release of dark matter.  Hence Mr. Trump is constantly using Twitter releases to supplement the partially obstructed oral and, uh, excessively active, lower release valves.  We have also added a LARGE RED BUTTON to his desk in the oval office that, should the chance of domestic explosion become too large, he can push to export the explosive charge to some 'sh#!-hole' country in Asia or Africa… someplace that starts with an A…. wait a second, America starts with an A…. Maybe we should rethink the button….  Oops, too late….”

Despite claims from Mr. Trump and the White House.  Mr. Trump may NOT be the "BIG Brain" he claims to be.  Scientific evidences proves that "The Donald's" brain is actually quite small and the the cranial cavity is filled mostly with vacuous "dark matter" similar to that seen in space.  This "dark matter" is scientifically called "ego".  Hence Mr. Trump suffers from a condition called "highly inflated ego" that could result in a catastrophic explosion.

Journal of Brainiac Science  [J of B.S. (2018) 30:1-20.]. Ander-Thal et al. Dark matter expansion in confined cranial space:  potential Presidential catastrophe?. Reprinted with permission. Photo Credit:  Ned Ander-Thal

Bedsheet-Gate Scandal erupts as potential campaign money is paid to Stormy Daniels by Donald Trump via false companies and identities.  Democrats compare Bedsheet-Gate to Watergate, Republicans state its "Normal operating procedures".  The House of Representatives Ethics Committee has stated they will investigate IF a quorum can ever be assembled for a meeting.  Due to the recent rash of resignations of Congressmen, we are currently short-staffed.  Mr. Trump, trying to head off another investigation, proclaims, "I'm not a Kook, I am a Stable Genius and I am Fantastic in bed… and I have a signed contract with Stormy so she can't say otherwise…..  Hush, hush Stormy, my secret is safe cause I paid you good campaign money."

Late-Breaking News

Stormy Paid $130,000 'Hush-Hush' Money

"I like Ike, but I ain't so crazy about this new fangled Republican Party"

A Moderate Republican

(an endangered species)

In a completely unrelated matter, Dr. Ned Ander-Thal is currently pleading, er, accepting money for "discretionary purposes" due to, er, 'stormy'  conditions...

Computer Model

3D Reconstruction