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60 Days of the UNICORN

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Biden's First 60 Days

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UNICORN Spotted In D.C.

Almost Washington State (WHN) March 31, 2021. Using advanced mathematics, Chief WHN Political Reporter Ned Ander-Thal reports that President Biden has now been in office for slightly over 60 days.... sadly we are not sure how many days over 60 as we only have 60 fingers and toes amongst the home office staff... 4 hands, 4 feet and 4 paws....

Despite his mathematical limitation, Mr. Ander-Thal has been able to confirm reports that Mr. Biden has accomplished much during this time.  Indeed, since January 20, the US has administered ~100,000,000 doses (~5,000,000 hands, feet, and/or paws) of the COVID-19 vaccines. Indeed, rumors persist in the White House that Mr. Biden has personally vaccinated more than 2,000,000 of those individuals... though, again, the WHN's Science Reporter Ned Ander-Thal can only confirm that Mr. Biden may have administered more than 60 doses... again due our previously described computational challenges.   

WHN EXCLUSIVE: A jubilant President Biden announces, "Vaccines for everyone!" Eschewing the Presidential limousine, Mr. Biden rode through the streets of Washington D.C. on the Presidential Unicorn; prompting people to ask, "What is that masked horse?"   World Headline News © 2021 Ned Ander-Thal.

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Is it 'Saint' Biden?

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In light of his selfless service, it has been rumored that Mr. Biden, well known for his strong Catholic faith, is being vetted by the Vatican for Beatification, the first step for eventual Canonization (Sainthood).  However, there are some concerns that Mr. Biden does not qualify for Beatification because, well, he isn't dead.  

According to the Archbishop of Surrey (Canada), the esteemed Monsignor Neander Thalensis, "While the Church normally only proceeds with beatification and canonization after the death of the individual, Mr. Biden's case is moving forward based on the claims of multiple Republicans that Mr. Biden IS dead, or at least brain dead.  Indeed, these Republican claims of Mr. Biden's death, but his continued work in battling the COVID-19 plague is ONE of the two required miracles, post death, that must be confirmed upon the road to Sainthood. The second miracle, while still being vetted, may be the restoration of America's world standing. Only a true Saint could repair the damage done to America by the former President tRump!"  

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Will this be Mr. Biden's official Presidential portrait. According to sources, The portrait, painted by the renowned artist and Renaissance man Ned Ander-Thal, is in stark contrast to the portrait that Mr. Ander-Thal painted of Mr. Trump ( February 17, 2018  • Issue 102).   World Headline News © 2021 Ned Ander-Thal.

Senator Lindsey Graham, as well as other GQP party members have expressed outrage at the Catholic Church: "Why us Southern Baptist are appalled, I say very appalled, at the actions of the ROMAN Catholic Church.  Why are ROMANS involved in AMERICAN affairs.  President Trump understands Affairs... Mr. Biden doesn't.  While the President Trump has had, at last count, three wives and lots of proven and alleged affairs, Mr. Biden does NOT have the same level of experience... I mean he has only had two wives... and the second wife only because of, shall we say, unfortunate events... Just because Mr. Biden goes roaming around Washington on his godd*mn unicorn does not mean he is a Saint.... though he did conjure up a mythical unicorn... that must mean he is a GODLESS COMMIE committed to the destruction of the United States cause only Commies have unicorns. Though, truth be told, I do like the rainbows... they somehow speak to my true inner self. That said, I'm buying and AR-15 so that I can shoot me a unicorn! There is no place for unicorns, or universal voting rights, in MY America." Senator Ted Cruz was particularily incensed by the 'politically correct' unicorn: "Hell, the things even wearing a mask... Texas unicorns, like Texas Republicans, don't wear masks. If Biden rides that thing down here, well, let's just say that we've got lots of 'grassy knolls'."

In related news, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp signed legislation outlawing unicorns in Georgia. In addition, people caught feeding or watering unicorns.... or Democrats... will be stripped of their voting rights. Per Governor Kemp, "Unicorns and THOSE PEOPLE who support unicorns, commonly reffered to as democrats, socialists, or progressives, undermine the integrity of our election. You know, I'm pretty sure I saw Stacey Abrams riding one..." When contacted by the WHN, Ms. Abrams stated, "Based on the recently passed Georgia election laws, fair elections in Georgia will become as rare as a unicorn! By the way, is it a law that unicorns have to be white?" When this question was posed to Governor Kemp, he replied: "Only white unicorns, like white voters, count."

Exclusive to the World Headline News

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March 31, 2021   •   Issue 151

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