Exclusive to the
World Headline News
March 2, 2020 • Issue 126
It's Corona Time
TяUMP: "Pence will lead the charge to defeat the 'covfefe-19' virus!"
Almost Washington State (WHN) March 2, 2020. As the world grapples with the continuing spread of the COVID-19 coronavirus, American President Donald Trump announced an aggressive effort to stabilize Wall Street, er, combat the viral risk... of a financial meltdown. In a nationally broadcast announcement, Mr. Trump stated, "We will spare no expense to save my voters in swing states. I have assigned the most qualified person in the United States Government, besides myself that is, to lead the project..... what's that, Jared's solving the middle east problem and too busy in the White House kitchen? Well then, I have assigned.... ah, ur, MIKE PENCE! to lead this crucial effort. I am confidant that Pence, he is Vice President right, I've always like vice... anyway Pence will successfully lead the charge to defeat the fake 'corn-no-wa-19', or is it covfefe-19, virus. No thats not right, ah, Stephen Miller tells me it's the corona 19 virus - must be another on of those 19 nasty Mexican threats that would have been stopped by my big beautiful antiviral wall that the Democrats won't fund... Those goody two shoes believe that I should follow the principals of Truth, Responsibility And Principle.... but I now that is simply T.R.A.P. If it is not good for me personally it's not good for MY America. Dr. Pence is clearly immune to T.R.A.P. - I mean he supports me right!"
While not widely known, in fact only known to the President and Founder of the prestigious university itself, the Vice President holds a Ph.D. in Science - bestowed by the universally acclaimed Trump University of Medical Thingies. 'Dr.' Pence has quickly set up a state of the art corona laboratory in his official residence at 1 Observatory Circle at the U.S. Naval Observatory in Washington, D.C.. In an exclusive visit, Dr. Pence, showed WHN Medical Reporter Dr. Ned Ander-Thal, formally of the infamous Albanian Medical College, around the laboratory. "Look at this place, it's perfect for my Christian research into the corona. I tell you science rocks - but we only do the Christian rock! I'm really proud of my staff, I talk to Dr. Joe over there all the time..... I've yet to talk to Dr. Sally because "Mother"* won't come into the lab. But I pray that once "Mother" comes to the lab, Sally and I, along with "Mother", can easily finish off the mysterious case of the corona! Trump willing of course..."
In spite of the Mr. Trump's confidence in 'Dr.' Pence, some concerns remain in the opinion of Dr. Ander-Thal: "'Dr.' Pence, you realize it's the coronavirus, you know COVID-19, not the case of Mexican beer behind you?" A clearly startled Dr. Pence could only respond: "It's that damn Jared Kushner; he always takes the easy things, you know like the solving the middle east problem or secretly enforcing the Donald's diet in White House kitchen. Me, I'm stuck with another damn virus . Oh well, I'll do what I did with HIV* when I was Governor of Indiana - ignore the problem.... It's the Christian scientific approach - after all, I DO subscribe to the Christian Science Monitor."
WHN EXCLUSIVE: 'Dr.' Pence gave the WHN an exclusive tour of his state of the art laboratory charged with addressing the 'corona' risk. Per 'Dr.' Pence, "We all know that God will protect us, so my lab is focused on good Christian based science. But even more powerful than God, we have Trump on our side as well!" Photo: World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal,
" In my world, 2 + 2 = 6 because my #2's are BIGGER and BETTER than everyone else's."
TRUE FACTS: Mike Pence never eats alone with a woman other than his wife, Karen, he won't attend events featuring alcohol without Karen by his side, and won't meet alone with a woman. This is known as the Billy Graham Rule. Mr. Pence also refers to his wife Karen as "Mother".
As Governor of Indiana, Mr. Pence was a vocal opponent of needle exchange programs to prevent HIV transmission. He claimed those programs only increased immoral behaviors - including encouraging drug abuse. Despite bipartisan support, Mr. Pence refused to fund a needle exchange program even as HIV infections sky rocketed. Only after a public outcry, did Mr. Pence eventually allow funding for the program.
Almost Washington State (WHN) March 2, 2020. Despite the near universal acclaim for 'Dr.' Pence's leadership of the global corona threat, skeptics of Mr. Trump remain unconvinced of his selection. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, a 'never Trumper' deviant, stated, "Seriously, the covfefe-19 virus? Where did he come up with that?"
Angry sources within the White House told the WHN, that 'Dr.'. Pence's appointment was a result of a "Super Secret 'G2' Meeting" held at Presidential retreat at Camp David, Maryland. At this meeting, Mr. Trump secretly met and plotted with Mr. Vlad M.R. Poutine, the mysterious French-Canadian who has previously been linked with Mr Trump's 2016, 2020, 2024 and 2028 Presidential election campaigns.
Almost Washington State (WHN) March 2, 2020. Consequent to the valiant efforts of 'Dr.' Pence, Americans, and the rest of the world, will be able to rest safely.....
...until they realized that Mr. Trump is also resting easy...
WHN EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump and Vlad M.R. Poutine were captured meeting at the Presidential retreat at Camp David Maryland where they drafted the plan to deal with the dreaded Mexican Corona-19 threat.!" Photo: World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.
SECRET 'G2' MEETING: Genesis of the Corona-19 Plan
TяUMP: "My Unconscious Genius...
Many People Say It's Unbelievable!"
WHN EXCLUSIVE: President Donald J. Trump resting easy in the Oval Office. At these times his "Unconscious Genius" is unleashed... In conjunction with Dr. Sigmoid Fraud and the WHN, using paranormal spectral detection, captured a photo of a somnolent Mr. Trump with his "Id" and "Superego" exposed. Uncertainty exists as to which is which! Mr. Trump when told of the study's findings stated, "I like Fraud, I could really work with Fraud."
Photo: World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.
China, Japan, South Korea, Iran, Italy and more...
"How do I do more TO the World?"
Fortunately for WHN readers, Dr. Ander-Thal's previous stent as a janitor at the White House also entailed visits to Camp David where he was able to secretly place multiple trail cameras. One of these cameras recently captured Mr. Trump's meeting with the infamous, and mysterious, French-Canadian Poutine. Mr. Trump, a well known outdoors man, and Mr. Poutine were captured discussing the Corona-19 issue while enjoying some freshly 'caught' filet-o-fish. Mr. Poutine, showing his European heritage, was also observed to use gravy on his fries while Mr. Trump enjoyed them with extra-extra salt. Mr. Trump and Poutine agreed to send the Corona-19 to Mr. Pence (and "Mother") for further analysis. In a joint commuique, they stated, "The future of the world depends on Pence... as well as some fresh limes..."
WHAT? It's Not Covfefe? ...It's Corona? Oh, So It's ANOTHER Mexican Threat!
When questioned by the WHN , noted psycho-analyst, Sigmoid Fraud stated that it is during these 'nap' times, Mr. Trump's 'unconscious genius' rears it two heads: the 'Id' and the 'Superego'. According to Dr. Fraud, Mr. Trumps 'Id' and 'Superego'. are responsible for virtually all of Mr. Trump's tweets, domestic and, especially, foreign affairs decisions. Dr. Fraud states that Mr. Trump's 'Superego'. is really more of a "Supercalifragilisticexpialidociously Huge Super Duper Ego"; "I've never seen a 'Superego' this big before! .... and the 'Id'; hell, just reading his tweets shows that Mr. Trump truly puts the 'Id' in 'Id'iot."
"Id" versus "Super Ego"
or is it
"Id" in COLLUSION with "Super Ego"
The shear scale of Mr. Trump' 'Id' and 'Superego' has afforded a unique scientific opportunity. In a study conducted jointly with the WHN, Dr. Fraud has actually visualized the 'Id' and 'Superego' for the first time using paranormal spectral detection hardware (discarded from 'Dr'. Pence's laboratory due to their "un-Christian" nature). As exclusively reported here, this research was highly successful as the physical manifestation of Trump's 'Id' and 'Superego' were actually captured on film. This unique photo clearly documents and visualizes the "little voices" that Mr. Trump hears... and tweets... and then issues Executive Orders from. Analysis of the 'Id' and 'Superego' on the film clearly show internal "Rudy Giuliani" and "Vlad M.R. Poutine" speaking to Trump. However, according to Dr. Fraud, "... it is uncertain as to which is which.... as their voices and messages are strangely similar. I can not be certain if it is 'Id' versus 'Superego', or 'Id' in COLLUSION with 'Superego'. All I know for certain is that the fries look really tasty...."
Upon hearing the results of the study, President Trump stated, "mmmm Fries, my little voices are saying I need more fries! Mike drop the Corona science and run to McDonalds and get me more fries. World peace depends upon it... oh, and I need more Depends®."