Exclusive to the
World Headline News
April 1, 2020
"'My 'Chinese' Virus relief package is The BEST Ever! Did Obama ever give you anything like this..."
WHN EXCLUSIVE: WHN Reporter Ned Ander-Thal has obtained a sample of the actual check to be sent to American citizens in the near future. When shown to sveral House and Senate Democrats, the 'crazed' Democrats criticized Trump's relief check stating that the conditions tied to the aid is unconstitutional. Upon hearing the complaints, Mr. Trump stated, "I am the government, and IF they want money from the government, they need to support the Government on November 3, 2020. My lawyers and key Senate supporters tell me this is 100% PERFECT. As stated in the impeachment witchhunt, my interest are the nations interests." Nancy Pelosi stated, "This is crazy S%#*. His behavior has upset me so much, I think I need some 'EXECUTIVE TIME' to take a 'trump' !" World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.
TRUMP Condemns Toilet Paper Hoarding
"My Executive Time Is At Stake!"
Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, 2020. As the U.S. braces for the worst of the pandemic, a 'concerned' Donald tRUMP worked aggressively to protect the security of his "Executive Time". Key to this protection was his establishment of the U.S.A. Strategic T.P. Reserve (STPR) located in Butts, Georgia. Per Mr. tRUMP, "The Strategic Reserve is comfortably located between Washington, D.C. and Mar-a-Lago, Florida. This assures that I can fulfill my "Executive Doodies, er, Duties" without interruptions... DID YOU HEAR THAT MELANIA, QUIT BUGGING ME WHEN I'M, er, 'WORKING'!"
Senate Majority Leader Moscow Mitch McConnell praised the President for his foresight in forming the STPR, "As you can see by the Exclusive WHN photo, the President is truly a 'CHARMIN' guy. I've even heard 'his poop don't stink' - though Melania has told me otherwise..."
“A friend helps you move. A true friend helps you move bodies.”
THE FINE PRINT:
"This Generous Gift Is Given To You On CONDITION That Your Vote On November 3, 2020 Is Properly Placed For The Signatory Of This Check."
* Unless Thwarted By "Executive Time" Demands
Strategic T.P. Reserves To Be Tapped*
CREATION MYTHOLOGY: According to Ned Ander-Thal, noted theologian, toilet paper was made on the 7th Day of Creation. While officially a day of rest for God, angry rumblings from Adam and, especially, Eve in the Garden of Eden (reported to be near Mar-a-Lago, Florida) made God put down his popcorn bowl to fix an issue that those pesky humans had that none of his other creations apparentlyhad - messy derrières... Thus, god spoke to man: "This shall shall make life 'a pillowy softness that you can see and feel'". With their 'butts' now clean, Adam and Eve said, "You know, I could really go for Apple Pie".
Thus, while the now fabled T.P. has made civilization possible, it's absence may now lead to civilizations fall. In these desperate times, humanity chaffs with despair... and other stuff....
BUTT WHAT CAN WE MERE MORTALS DO?
Oh, Crap! ... "But, Please Don't, We Have NO T.P."
McConnell: "He Is Truly A 'CHARMIN' Guy"
Poses major risk to President tRUMP's "Executive Time"
Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, 2020. Key to the sweeping success (from only 15 cases to 180,000 cases in just over 30 days) of the pandemic response has been Mr. Trump's protected . But 'Executive Time' could not succeed without the nation's "Strategic Toilet Paper Reserve" (STPR). While the primary goal of the STPR has been to protect and maintain the proper functioning of the 'OFFICE' of the President (see photo above), the STPR may contain sufficient reserves to help alleviate the shortage of T.P. facing the American public.
To oversee the proper distribution of the T.P., Mr. tRUMP has once again turned to Vice President Mike Pence to oversee the proper distribution of the T.P.: "When I think of butt-wipes, I think of Mike. Mike has been brilliant in the battle against the Chinese [EDITOR: SARS-CoV-2] virus. My television ratings are better than anything else on T.V. today - so I must be even more brilliant than Mike. Mike has a real nose for these things." Mr Pence stated that he had personally devised a "Smart" T.P. Delivery System, "As our brilliant President has said, I'm pretty smart, so between now and November 3, 2020 I will be personally distributing T.P. to American citizens, who promise to vote Trump in 2020. This will allow the Administration to carefully monitor T.P. distribution and to assure that qualified citizens receive their fair share.."
WHN EXCLUSIVE: A visibly aggressive tRUMP defends the STPR from 'enemies of the state'. As defined by the President, these enemies include you, me, and anyone else without the last name tRUMP or a spouse with the last name of tRUMP (Except Eric... some sacrifices must be made). World Headline News © 2020 Ned Ander-Thal.
"Super 'SMART' Toilet Paper Delivery Service."
The 'OFFICE' of the President
"I've made a fortune on T.P sales!"
SAMPLE OF ACTUAL CHECK
Dear Subscribers and Innocent Victims:
To quote the great Nobel Laureate (2016 Nobel Prize in Literature) Bob Dylan, "The times they are a-changin". As the staff of the World Headline News hunkers down in our secluded BIO-BUNKER, humor is sometimes hard to find... ... kind of like toilet paper. But is the shortage of humor, much less toilet paper, real? Maybe not! We've heard rumors of a secret Strategic T.P. Reserve buried deep in the Butt, er, in Butt, Georgia (a real place!). Keep well, and as I now love to yell: "Hey you, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME... well by at least 6 feet!"
Ned Ander-Thal, Editor and Founder